QueryTracker Community
October 16, 2018, 11:25:44 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: PB Elevator Pitch  (Read 3221 times)
Jackskellington
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 4
Offline Offline

Posts: 45


« on: December 26, 2017, 12:11:46 PM »

Hello. For those of you who celebrate it I hope you had a merry Christmas. I am attempting to create an elevator pitch for my picture book, which is a wip. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. If there's a particular pitch you like (or elements of each pitch that you feel could be combined to be more effective) please let me know! [I'm debating between referring to the protagonist as 1) serious young boy 2) Serious schoolboy 3) Serious Seymour. I like referring to the crocodiles, dragons, and pirates (to me they are a big element of the hook) but I also don't want to spoil the book by revealing too much upfront. Thanks.

1) [A serious young boy/Serious Seymour] sneaks away at a magical bureau where silly ideas [come to life/spring to life] and must [the] evade cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow fighting pirates [he's upset along the way]

2) A [serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must tap into his inner silly to evade [the] cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates [he's upset] at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life.

3) [A serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must evade cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life [by tapping into his inner silly].

4) [A serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must find his inner silly as he evades cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow fighting pirates a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life.

5) [a serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must [tap into/find] his inner silly [to evade/as he evades] cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life.

6) When he [breaks the rules]sneaks away] at a magical bureau where silly ideas come to life, [a serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must tap into his inner silly to evade cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates.

7) When he sneaks away at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life, [a serious young boy/Serious Seymour] must tap into his inner silly to evade  cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates.

8) Serious Seymour scoffs at silliness. But when he breaks the rules [and sneaks away] at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life, he must [find/tap into] his inner silly to evade [the] cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates [he's upset along the way].

9) Seymour, or "Serious Seymour" as his schoolmates call him, scoffs at silliness/anything silly. But when he breaks the rules [and sneaks away] at a magical bureau where silly ideas spring to life, he must [find/tap into] his inner silly to evade [the] cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates [he's upset along the way].
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 07:10:18 AM by Jackskellington » Logged
GVonCarstein
Full Member
***

Karma: 32
Offline Offline

Posts: 93



« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2018, 07:35:39 PM »

Elevator pitches or so difficult to REALLY nail down, I think providing a list of them hindered grabbing a response so far. Doing it for a picture book is also difficult because where an elevator pitch for a YA/Adult novel is condensing a lot into a very small space, a PB is already a condensed story so is harder to finesse while also getting your voice right.

I would focus on #3 I think. Maybe the following..

"A serious schoolboy deals with cupcake-cooking crocodiles, disco-dancing dragons, and pillow-fighting pirates in a land where silly ideas spring to life."

Evade doesn't feel young enough a concept, which was also why I dropped Bureau from the line (I think Bureau might be ok in the story itself, but not the elevator pitch). My only other up-front thought is that cupcakes are baked and not cooked, so I hesitate on that alliteration when I stop to think about it.
Logged
Jackskellington
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 4
Offline Offline

Posts: 45


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2018, 02:03:52 PM »

Thanks for the response. "Evade" is a word I'm not crazy over either - it doesn't feel appropriate for a pb. Thinking of alternatives for "bureau" in the pitch. I had the same thought about the difference between baking and cooking. I still like it thought (but am still thinking it over). And baking is a form of cooking (though baking is generally used when referring to foods that are not already solid when cooked in the oven e.g. cupcakes).  Thanks again for the help. Appreciate it.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2018, 02:06:08 PM by Jackskellington » Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!