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Author Topic: Untitled Dream Romance.  (Read 1112 times)
Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« on: May 02, 2018, 10:31:22 AM »

trying out something.   does this work as an opening sentence?  is it intriguing/compelling enough?


 Even though I'd just met Angela less than an hour ago, I was already sure we'd be a part of each other lives from this point on.
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jcwrites
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« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2018, 11:21:01 AM »

Sounds kinda' creepy. Why not open where the narrator and Angela first meet?
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koji
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« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2018, 12:12:41 PM »

You can go so many directions with a first line, but I would include what drew you to that conclusion. Example:

In a little under an hour I learned Angela loved her family, had twenty bucks in her bank account, never crossed on red, and would be part of my life forever.


Obviously that is rough, but something that gives Angela a bit of character and draws you into the question of how the narrator may know they share a destiny.

If you keep what you have, I would tighten it.

Even though I had met Angela less than an hour ago, I was sure she would be part of my life forever.
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MookyMcD
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« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2018, 02:34:51 PM »

trying out something.   does this work as an opening sentence?  is it intriguing/compelling enough?


 Even though I'd just met Angela less than an hour ago, I was already sure we'd be a part of each other lives from this point on.

I like the content, but the language could use a tuneup. Does "even though" bring anything to the party? "I'd" turns the active into passive. "just" is one of my crutch words (I do one pass through my manuscript just (he he) looking for that word and find it's seldom doing anything). That's especially true here, where you state the time frame (less than an hour ago) so we know your character "just" met her. The same is true of already -- since we know it's been less than an hour, that word doesn't add anything in my eyes, either. "This point on" changes tense from past to present, and I don't think you need the word point.

If I'd written this sentence and was editing my own work, the second draft of that would be something like: "Less than an hour after meeting Angela, I knew we'd be part of each other's lives from then on."

That said, I think it's a good setup, clearly showing the momentum of the relationship.
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Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2018, 09:35:38 PM »

Jcwrites, that's actually what I'm doing but I wanted to open with a bold statement.  He's in love with her and that's where the book starts, i see where it came across as creepy, I'll tweak a little and maybe next time I'll post the first chapter.

Koji, love the idea, i actually carry into why int he second sentence but felt it was a bit run on when i tried it as one.  maybe I can streamline and do a single, IDK.

Mooky, thanks for the feedback.  it's first draft territory, and I want to keep it short and to the point like you said.


I think when i post more it'll be the first chapter since a single sentence is rough as it is to convey a feeling.  I wanted to start with this declaration of love/feeling/relationship because of the direction of the story (this one is the one I was asking about in another thread where the character is going to figure out it's all a dream and he's going to go from dreaming to lucid dreaming and then wrestle with the ideas of actual love VS Imagined Love ETC), so I figured it was a good place to set that hook, and maybe even sew a little doubt about the true nature of the relationship.  i should be back with more in a day or so.  Thanks again, any other opinions are more than welcome.
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