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Author Topic: First Chapter and Prologue Worth the Risk older YA/NA  (Read 1090 times)

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« on: May 18, 2018, 06:20:23 AM »

Worth the Risk


There's us, then there's them.

Not much difference between any of us. We're all teens trying to get through one of the most sensitive parts of our life, yet, so many see only what they wanted in each of us.

I'm supposed to be from the advantaged group...that's about the biggest joke I'd ever heard.

Just because my daddy was rich, my mom spent more time at the country club than she did at home, and almost everything I wanted was handed to me on a silver platter, didn't make me privileged.

I can't remember the last time either of my parents came to one of my dance recital or auditions over the past year. My nanny attended every single one of them, but my parents...well, let's say they gave birth to me and left it there at that.

The others came from a part of town I've never stepped foot into. Most had a free ride at our school, meaning they had the grades but not ways to attend Hillside Academy. They bussed with public transportation across town to come to a place where sixteen-year old's cars and trucks cost more than five of their houses put together.

Our administrators got off on telling us this could be our way to interact with the less privileged.
What they didn't understand was we weren't allowed to intermingle with them, according to our parent's set of standards.

These people worked below us in business or even the ones who did our lawn care or housecleaning. People we looked down on and not thought of as equals.

The others, one guy, in particular, were the ones who changed my life forever. I learned the hard way love and forgiveness turned out to be the two things money couldn't buy.

Chapter One

"Chelsey," My best friend, Amber, call out to me as I stepped up to the sidewalk.

I waved to let her know I'd heard her calling.

I said hello back to everyone I passed me and greeted me on this beautiful first day of school. This would be my final year of seeing these people. After this year, I would be a graduate and on my own.

"Ready for the first day?" Amber made her way over to me with several of our friends following behind.

She wasn't watching where she was walking because her focus was on the compact mirror she carried around. She always looked for imperfections on her face and what else her mom's money could buy for her.

Amber was a beautiful blonde with striking features that had every modeling agency chasing after her. Even though most would look at her and think she was a stuck-up snob, she was the opposite. She may have acted and portrayed herself as being selfish and conceited, but in reality, she was as bad as everyone else when it came having self-doubt,

"Oh. My. God," Amber shrieked at a lower classman she ran into. "Watch where you're going." She straightened out her mini skirt and pushed the traumatized younger boy away.

"You know it was clearly your fault." I stared at the boy who was now digging another cookie out of the packaging.

Amber rolled her eyes but nodded. "Yeah, well he could've moved over. I most likely have cookie crumbs all over me now." She wiped off the imaginary crumbs the younger student might've left on her.

I kept walking up the sidewalk towards the school. A busload of students, the ones who rode for over an hour to come to our educational sanctuary, were making quite the scene as they exited. It wasn't a riot or anything of that nature, but more like they were literally excited to be here deal.

It was a good thing I'd taken three years of Spanish, and also my nanny had taught me since it was her primary language, I was able to understand everything they were saying. Most of it was from the girls, and of course, they were making fun of our group. It was the same old things we always heard, 'rich bitches, sluts,' something of a derogatory nature.

"What are they talking about?" Amber didn't know any Spanish at all. She was proficient in French, Italian, and some German, which was great when she did her European summers, but speaking any of those languages wasn't very helpful here in the states.

Most corporate businesses here in New York, like the ones our parents owned, demanded employees be versatile and able to speak with those from other countries. I just found it easier to focus on one particular, like Spanish, and call it a day. It came in handy, like now, when some of our classmates came from predominantly Hispanic neighborhoods.

"They said they loved your outfit."

I had to lie. Amber would go off on them and start some kind of verbal confrontation if I didn't.

She would lose big time if anything would ever move past an oral fight of name calling. She was tall, thin, and not very fighting worthy.

The other girls, however, looked as though they could kick anyone's ass.

Amber would be too worried about the next photo session and her face being bruised up or God forbid she would break a nail with a punch.

"Aw, how cute?" Amber waved to them like someone would wave to a toddler.

The group of three girls glanced back at us strangely, shook their heads, then continued to follow the rest of their gang up to the three-story school building.

"You just lied to her," A girl's voice whispered in my ear.

I'd forgotten all about Cheyenne, who was walking with us, was also fluent in Spanish. Her parents had sent her here all the way from their three thousand acre ranch in Texas. They owned like a whole county down there with whatever type of farming they did.

We all still make fun of her with her country girl, southern accent, but she normally laughed it off and made fun of our New York City talk.

"I'm not telling princess what they said."

Cheyenne nodded she understood the reason why.

We all knew not to get Amber all riled up, especially on the first day back to school. She would whine about what they said for days if I would've told her the truth. So it was best to say they complimented her, something she loved to hear.

We call Amber princess, well just for the fact she acts like one. Out of us four that hung around together, she was the most pampered. Not that the rest of us don't receive our fair share of our parent's wealth, but she kept the silver spoon in her mouth twenty-four hours a day.

"New car again for the first day of school, Chelsey." Bradley came over to our group before we walked up the broad stone stairs which led to the front doors. He loved to torment me because he thought bothering me was eventually going to make me say yes to his millionth time asking me out.

"New car." I glanced back at the ruby red Jaguar sitting in the parking lot. "Huh, I didn't notice." I tried to act casual about my new seventy thousand dollars back to school present my dad had delivered to me yesterday.

Of course, I loved it, but getting a new car every time I went back to school was getting pretty old. I now had three cars in my name, all together they were over three hundred thousand dollars.

"Yeah, right." Bradley shook his head and chuckled. "Your panties were wet as soon as you seen the big red bow wrapped tightly around it."

He was right about one thing, and it wasn't the wet panties. There was a large red ribbon strewn across the top of the car when it was delivered, but it was like that every year. The card always said a little present for your first day of school. There was never a love mom and dad signature, only a stamp from father's office letting me know who the sender was.

"Ew, like gross, Brad." Amber lightly pummeled him on the chest.
Not like her little fist would hurt him. He was a six-foot-three, two hundred pounds, full of muscle, state champion wrestler for our school.

"Is that all you ever think about?"

"What?" Bradley faked being shocked by Amber's accusation. "That I fantasize about Chelsey's moist, hot, so ready for me pus..."

Amber's hand went over his mouth before he could finish his last word. "Don't say it." She removed her hand from his mouth and shook her finger at him. "I hate hearing that word. It's like so...nasty."

"Pussy, pussy, pussy." Bradley just had to keep saying the one word that got Amber grossed out. "Pussy," he whispered it once again before he had to stop.

We'd arrived at the main doors and were greeted by the administrators who were there to welcome us back.

We all said our hellos and how happy we were to be back for our senior year. Of course, that was all a lie, and most of us couldn't wait until this last eight months of hell would permanently be over.

"You're a dick." Amber smacked Bradley once again and stomped off.

"What?" Once again, Brad appeared to be surprised by Amber's annoyance with his choice of words. He jogged after her in his quest to make amends with her, at least he was leaving me alone for the moment.

"Guess we'll all meet for lunch at the usual spot?" Cheyenne's southern twang got my attention after I'd noted Amber hit Bradley for the third time in the past five minutes.

"Sounds good." I fixed my carry along bag more securely on my shoulder and headed for the stairs leading up to the second and third levels. "You guys have class down here, right." I thought I'd remembered their schedule correctly.

They were all down here on the first level for the first half of the day, while I had classes on the second level. Then, the rest of the time we had several classes together.

Cheyenne nodded her head. "Yep. You have..."

"Advanced Calculus," I finished her thought since it was evident she didn't remember what I'd taken.

The first bell rang indicating we all had five more minutes before we were marked tardy.

"See ya at lunch. Later, Chels." Cheyenne took off at a slow jog, followed by Brianna, who was quiet this morning.

I did hear a rumor though her father's company might have to file for bankruptcy which meant she might have to change schools during our senior year if no money was available.

I made it the set of stairs that had a mad rush of students trying to get up to the higher levels before the late bell rang. I picked up my pace and tried to avoid getting body slammed by some of the guys who never watched where they were going.

"Excuse me."

Someone tugged on my arm.

I peeked over my shoulder, and it was one of them. I should've recognized just by the way he spoke, the Spanish accent was one that wasn't easily hidden.

He wasn't as tall as most of the guys that played on any of the sports teams, the ones who hung around our small group, but yet not as short as some of the workers I'd seen outside doing the janitorial work. He was two steps below me, so maybe that had something to do with the fact he appeared smaller.

This guy had light brown skin, dark brown hair which matched his piercing, almost black eyes, and was more in shape than most of the athletes around here.

"What?" My tone came off like a bitch, sort of a response like Amber would've said it in, but that was to be expected. They knew who we were and how we supposedly acted.

Well, most of the people I associated with acted like complete snobs, but I didn't. I tried to interact with everyone like our school officials wanted us to. Then again, I only associated when I had to, like with tutoring time and trying to help the ones less fortunate in their academics.

The guy held up his hands like he was surrendering. "I needed to know if I had to go left or right at the top of the stairs for room two-o-seven."

It was rare the transfers were put on any level of the school, except for the third. The school wanted to have us integrate with them, but not actually associate with them during school hours.

I think a lot of this whole assimilation process had to do with receiving endowments from private investors who had a clientele that stemmed from those communities. It was sort of like the mob, but more on a Wall Street type level.

"That's my first class too. You can follow me." I elbowed past the other students still rushing to class and made a left at the top.
It was easy to find my way around here. I'd been going to this school since I was a freshman. The room was the second door on the right as soon as we turned down the hallway.

The tardy buzzer sounded as soon as me and mystery man walked into the classroom. The other students in our advanced calculus class appeared surprised a transfer was in here and he came in with me.

I scampered and took my seat in the front, while the guy behind me continued walking to the very back of the room.

Our instructor began the welcome speech and went straight into the first lecture as soon as we all were seated. I only paid attention to half of what he said as my mind questioned my body why it reacted to this new guy like it had.

I was the one that never had a single, 'oh my God, he looked at me' moment, or half a clue as to what a hardcore intimate time was all about.

I was the future leader of my dad's business empire. My thoughts always had to stay focused on who was who in the world and how my interaction with them would make a profit for the firm.

It never mattered if I wanted to dance professionally, and my dance instructor I had since I was old enough to toddle about said I could make it to Broadway one day. Neither parent was supportive of my dance so focusing on what would make our family money and my parents proud became my entire focus the past four years.

I'd been accepted into Columbia University for next Fall semester, mostly to my academics, internships, volunteer activities, and of course my father's generous donation he gives annually, also the fact he's an alumnus of such said school of business.

Anyways, this new guy...new to me but probably not to the school, he set my body on fire. I felt him staring at me the whole time we walked up the stairs and down the hallway.
I had a hunch his gaze on me now from the back of the room. I had this burning feeling that started in the pit of my stomach and spread out to every nerve ending I had.

I raked my fingers through my hair and glanced over my shoulder to the back of the room.

Unlike what I expected to see, the guy wasn't watching me at all. His eyes were fixed on the teacher, and he was feverously writing down everything that was said and written on the whiteboard.

He must've sensed my stare because his eyes met mine and I instantly turned away.
A surge of heat raced through my face as I was caught spying on him.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I was Chelsey Winters, I'd never blushed a day in my life.

I tried to keep a focus on whatever the teacher was talking about, but failed miserably.


I met up with Amber, Cheyenne, and Brianna for lunch.

I hadn't seen that guy since the first period. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts during class I didn't even catch his name when attendance was taken.

"Chels," Amber linked her arm with mine. "You eating today?"

We were almost to the dining area of our school, and I honestly hadn't thought about if I was going to eat lunch or not. I was hungry but did I want to stand in a line for food, that was the big question.

"Yeah, I guess so." I led our group up to the line that sold the sandwiches, soups, and salads. There were other food departments we could've chosen from, burgers, pizza, vegetarian, and Chinese, but the new salad bar caught my attention.

We all grabbed what we wanted, mine was a chef salad with ranch, banana, and a cup of cappuccino. I'm sure the others took almost the same selections, we all were in the same mindset about food.

There were only two lines open for us to stand in to pay for our food. There were students lined up, looking as impatient as I felt with the situation.

We got into one of the lines and waited along with everyone else. The group of transfers were ahead of us, the girls from this morning and some guys. One of them had on the same shirt as the guy I'd been looking for, but he hadn't turned around, so I couldn't be for certain if it was him.

I heard bits and pieces of the conversation between the three girls ahead of us. Of course, they were speaking in Spanish to throw off anyone who didn’t know the language.
They kept sneaking glances back at us and looking us up and down as if they were trying to be intimidating. I tried ignoring the urge to say something, but after a few minutes of constant trash talk about us, I had to say something.

"Truthfully, I spent all summer doing an internship with one of Microsoft's divisions here in the city. Sorry to disappoint you, but I didn't spend my time on a beach or in France."

Everyone looked at me wondering who I was talking to. I kept my gaze on the three ahead of us, so the girls knew I was speaking directly to them. They appeared shocked I'd understood what they were talking about.

One of the guys with them started laughing hysterically. He pointed at the girl who had done most of the ranting about us. "You got owned, Gabby."

The other guy beside him gave him a high-five as they both continued to chuckle at the girl named Gabby.

The guy, the one I had my attention on, finally turned around to see what all the ruckus was about. It was the kid from this morning, and he appeared about as amused with my comeback as the other two guys.

"Dude," the kid that started laughing first slapped Mr. Hotness on the back. "Marcus, dude, Gabby just got owned by that girl." He pointed back towards me and still laughing at the matter that didn't even seem funny anymore.

I now had a name to go along with the face, Marcus. I couldn't help but smile back at the guy that thought this was the most humorous thing he'd seen all day.

The boy glanced away from the one talking and towards our group. Our eyes met, and a look of recognition crossed over his face. He smiled.

"Cool." Marcus turned back around and moved his tray up the line.

"You think everything is funny, you freakin asshole." Gabby punched the laughing guy on the arm. "You're such a dick, Ricky."

"I went to France this summer." Out of the blue, Amber popped in her two-cents about going out of the country over the holiday break. "I love France. French guys are the best."

"That's not what you told me last night." Bradley stepped in front of her with two of his tag-alongs.

"Yeah, you wish Brad." Amber picked up her tray and stepped back in behind me. "Quit trying to f**kin cut in front of me." She pressed her heel back and stepped on the tip of his shoe.

"Bitch, that hurt." Bradley pushed Amber forward to stop her high heel from pressing into his foot.

"Nice one." Gabby held up her hand for Amber to smack. She was congratulating her on not taking any of Bradley's sh**.

Amber appeared confused as to what to do but smacked the other girl's hand in a high-five gesture.

Gabby glanced back at me, but all I got was a roll of the eyes. She turned back around and placed one hand on Marcus's back like she was laying claim to him. It wasn't like I was staring at him...

or was I?

Their group moved up and gave the cashier each of their plastic card that allowed them to eat for free. While my group used our new credit cards supplied to us by our parents before the start of a new school year.

I watched where Marcus and crew went to sit, it was nowhere near where our table was located. We'd sat in the same spot for the past three years, always right in the center so we could be seen and see everyone around us.

Marcus's group took the furthest point away from the center of activity. They walked the whole way across the quad and sat at the table on the border of escape.

"Hey, why don't we sit somewhere new this year?" The girls stared at me like I'd announced Oscar De La Renta had closed shops. "I mean we sat in the same spot since we were a freshman, time for a change."


Amber would be the one to challenge anything I said.

"Change is good sometimes, Plus, we would have the advantage of getting out early when the bell rings and not have to have everyone crowd around us."

That might work since Amber was always wanting to be the first of everything, even if it was only getting out of the dining quad early.

"Okay, where then?" Amber agreed, and so did Cheyenne and Brianna.

"How about over there?" I gestured to the one table closest to Marcus's. His group looked to be another type of disagreement since Gabby was slapping one of the guys once again.

Amber's eyes darted back and forth between my chosen table, the rowdy group next to it, and then back to me seeking confirmation this what I wanted to do.
"Okay, whatever." She rolled her eyes and followed.

The Marcus table became eerily quiet when the girls and I sat our trays down at the table next to them. I felt the stares from them as we began to eat our salads and drink our mini sized cappuccinos.

"Aren't you like at the wrong table, Coño?" Gabby, who nominated herself the spokesperson for the table, was the first to confront our choice of where we sat.

I, as well as Cheyenne, kept the reference she called us cunts to ourselves. I had no idea why she was so hostile to us, me in particular since her attention was focused my way.

"Like, we can sit anywhere we want." Amber decided to confront her once again, which drew Gabby's attention away from me and over to Amber.

"Like. Oh. My. God. You are so right. You freakin own the school. So, of course, you can sit where you want. Would you like our table as well?" She picked up her tray and motioned for everyone else to do the same.

The rest of her group ignored her and continued eating.

"You can have both tables and have more room for your precious selves. We can go eat over there on the sidewalk." She motioned with her hand to the portion of the quad lined up with the path that encircled the school. Gabby sat her tray back down on her own table since the others hadn't moved at all.

"Gabby, shut up." Ricky, the guy who she argued with earlier in line, spoke out against her giving us a hard time. "Just let them eat." He took another bite of his pizza slice and gave me a quick wave.

"Whatever." Gabby sat back down but kept giving me evil glances.

Just because I interrupted their bashing of us in the lunch line didn't mean she had to go all hating on me now.

We continued with our meal at our new seating arrangement. Bradley and his group, who regularly sat with us at the center table, kept motioning for us to come back over, but I waved him off and turned my attention back to my salad.

My eyes kept wandering over to Marcus, who seemed to be in a deep conversation with his friend seated next to him. He never once glanced our way, even during the whole Gabby outburst.

The bell rang before I had the chance to finish a third of my salad, but it wasn't like I was starving to begin with. I chugged down the rest of my drink and tossed out all the rest.

We followed Marcus's group out of the quad. I tried to keep my attention away from him, but somehow my eyes always ended up back going back to him.

Gabby peeked back at our group, and I immediately glanced away from Marcus's backside. She slipped her hand into his and gave him a tug so he was pressed closer to her body.
Once again, she peered over her shoulder and smirked at me when she caught me staring at them holding hands.

I pretended not to care, but deep down a hint of jealousy stirred about.


Journalism was my next to the last class of the day.

I'd spent the past forty minutes with Amber, Cheyenne, and Brianna in our drama class, which helped to occupy my mind, but for this one, I was going solo.
The others took photography and I'd taken a writing course to help round out my electives and make me more versatile within the business world once I graduated.

The class size was small, so that meant individual attention would be abundant for those of us who had trouble expressing ourselves in written forms. There were six other students and myself sitting around the large round table when the eighth student walked in.

"I think I have the right room." Marcus looked down at his schedule then back to the number on the door.

Ms. Prichard stood from her seat and met him before he could come in any further. She was a younger teacher who seemed to have grown up in the same living conditions most of us and the wealthy lifestyle appeared to have carried on into her adult lifestyle.

I could tell just by the way she dressed, talked, behaved, and for the fact she jumped to attention when she saw it was one of the others trying to enter our collective group.
She acted as though he was going to go postal on us with the way she kept him between the doorway and taking his first step into her classroom.

Ms. Prichard took the slip of paper out of Marcus's hand. "Well, it seems you have the correct room. Please, take a seat." She was more reserved with him than she was with any of us who had entered earlier.

Marcus glanced around the table, maybe hoping to spot someone he recognized. His eyes landed on me and the empty chair beside me. I motioned with my hand for him to come over and he seemed relieved not everyone was unwelcoming of his presence.

He took out another new notebook from his backpack and wrote the name of the class on the top. His eyes kept focused on Ms. Prichard, who had taken a seat where she could be in view of everyone. His pen went right to work as she gave out her list of demands needed to pass this course.

The class time went by in a flash, it was like I wasn't even there. I hardly took any notes or listened to what the teacher talked about as my attention was more focused on the guy seated next to me.

I had to set my thoughts straight. I couldn't let this little infatuation, or whatever it was, hold me back in my senior year.

Even though I'd already been accepted into Columbia, I still needed to maintain all that I'd worked for. I would stop all this nonsense distraction today.

I left as soon the bell sounded, not looking back to see where Marcus could've gone.


I met Amber outside at the end of the day. I had to leave as quickly as possible since I had to rush over to the downtown theater where my dance practice was being held. We were going to be practicing for an upcoming show that had Broadway talent scouts attending.

"You can miss one practice." Amber pulled my arm trying to get me to come with her. "I need someone to go shopping with me."

"Amber, I can't." I tugged my arm free. "This is like legitimately important." I saw the transfers were heading out to their designated bus which would take them clear across town.

As much as I tried, I couldn't help but watch Marcus goof around with his friends, including Gabby, as they walked over to the awaiting travel means to go home.

"Earth to Chelsey." Amber's hand waved in front of my face.

"What?" I focused my attention away from the rowdy group, and back to Amber who stood with her hands on her hips watching the scene I gazed away from.

"Do we have a particular interest in anyone over there." Her smile was too predictable, and I could tell she had something brewing in the back of her mind.

"No." My answer was too quick, Amber's eyes jumped at the chance to catch me in a lie.

"I've known you since like forever, you're lying right now. Which one, come on Chels it's okay to have a crush." She took hold of my hand and pulled me in the direction of the group that was getting closer to the bus.

"What are you doing?" Once again, I pulled my hand away so she couldn't lead me to where I didn't want to go.

"Let's go say bye." She tried to grab my hand again, but I jerked away before she had the chance. "C'mon it will be our senior adventure. Which one do you want?" Amber peeked back over to the transfers. "It will be so different from all the other guys we've dated, and it will only be a for a short time. You know let them get a taste of the good life then walk away when we go to college. No biggie, Chels."

Wow, when did she get so vain.

Wait, this was Amber, she'd always been like that.

"No. I have to go to dancing practice. I'll talk to you later." I could never go through with a plan like that, it would be wrong.

"Bye, Ricky. We'll see you tomorrow." Amber called out to the students loading onto the bus.

The guy that turned around when his name was called. was the boy who'd told Gabby to shut up when we sat next to them at lunch. He was cute, but not as gorgeous as Marcus. His hair wasn't as long, and his eyes weren't as shiny, but overall, I'd have to give him an eight out of a ten.

Ricky waved back to Amber as the rest of the guys hollered and slapped him on the back. Guess it was a big deal to have one of us talk to one of them outside of the school system.

The girls, Gabby and her crew, stared down Amber and me with looks that would've killed us if they could.

I looked at Marcus, which I shouldn't have, but I did. He was the only one that wasn't making a huge deal over Amber talking to them. Our eyes met, and I knew he saw me, but he turned back to the bus and boarded without giving the incident a second thought.

"He will be mine by the end of the week. sh**, possibly by tomorrow." Amber knew she could have any guy that had a pulse.

I didn't know what she was up to, but somehow, it wasn't going to be good.

"Hey, I gotta go." I gave her a quick hug and pressed the button my key so my new Jag would open.

Hopefully, the dance would be able to take away a lot of these conflicting feelings I had. Maybe it was time to step outside the box I'd lived in since the day I was born.
But that could be dangerous, and that was something I definitely was not.

« Last Edit: May 21, 2018, 11:12:57 AM by izzibella » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2018, 01:21:42 PM »

I think you don’t need the prologue, you can include this information in the main story. Have your story beginning with action will draw your readers into the story.

You have quite a few typos and grammatical errors, which you should clean up as it makes it hard to read. Your dialogue isn’t punctuated correctly, I suggest you look up how to punctuate dialogue.

I suggest you read your story aloud. By reading aloud you’ll be able to hear when the text isn’t correct as you’re forced to slow down and see it through the eyes of someone else.

Go easy on the exposition, it slows the story down and makes people want to give up reading, because nothing is happening, it’s all backstory and explanations, these explanations can come out later as the story progresses or organically through characterization and dialogue.

Break up your paragraphs too, so there is a whole blank line between them, this breaks up the wall of text and makes it easier to read.

I wasn't able to read the whole thing largely because of the issues above if you work on those you may get some more reviews.

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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2018, 07:11:13 PM »

Brianna, thank you for taking time to respond. I usually include a prologue in my stories that are told in a first person POV. I think this gives the reader a chance to see the character and an idea of what the story entails.

Can you point out some of the grammatical errors? I use two different sources for grammar corrections and also an editor. The examples that I've seen for dialogue have the punctuation inside of the quotes, which is used for U.S. writing. I'm not sure if other countries utilize this or not.

When I format for Kindle, I use 1.5 space and breaks for the sentences and paragraphs. I will go back and re-edit for this on here since it seems to have run everything together. Copy and paste aren't always the most useful tools.

If you get a chance, I would love to read any more corrections and suggestions that you may have.

Thank you once again.

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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2018, 10:19:25 AM »

As far as dialogue punctuation goes you should use a comma between the dialogue and the tagline (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said"):"I would like to go to the beach this weekend," she told him as they left the apartment. - I copied this quote from this webpage here if you want to look it up ( https://www.thebalancecareers.com/punctuating-dialogue-properly-in-fiction-writing-1277721 ) I noticed you always end your dialogue with a period rather than a comma.

Here are some of the errors I noticed in the first few lines of chapter 1:

"Chelsey." My best friend, Amber, call[ed] out to me as I stepped up to the sidewalk.

I pressed the button on my remote and the car beep indicating it locked.  - Either say "and the car beeped indicating it had locked OR "and the car beep indicated it had locked"

I said hello back to everyone I passed me and greeted me on this beautiful first day of school.  - This doesn't read well. "I said hello to everyone I passed who greeted me on this..."

Even though most would look at her and think she was a stuck-up snob, that was quite the opposite.  - I would say "she was quite the opposite" not "that was quite the opposite"

Hope this helps!

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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2018, 11:15:16 AM »

Brianna, thanks. I went back and made the corrections that you suggested. It's so helpful to have an extra pair of eyes or two when writing. I will definitely use all links and consider all suggestions from fellow authors.

Thanks again

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Posts: 21

« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2018, 11:44:02 AM »

Izzibella - Glad I was able to help. Good luck with the writing.
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