Author Topic: TERROS - YA Fantasy  (Read 515 times)

Offline sm_davidson

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 41
  • Karma: 5
TERROS - YA Fantasy
« on: November 12, 2018, 04:15:13 PM »
Any and all feedback is so greatly appreciated!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Eighteen year old, KAYLAB KALLIO has grown up as a relatively normal Kobold, a species of creature that dominates their town of Ivoris; but Kaylab has grown up alone, being the only known Kobold to have been born, and survived during the six year Starvation that ravaged their world nearly two decades ago.

Kaylab is still three years from inheriting his magic, but when he starts to hear voices, he has to wonder if his sanity will hold out long enough to make it to his coming of age ceremony. The voices he hears though, don’t belong to his own mind, they are those of the most powerful creature in their world, Eron, who has coming looking for Kaylab.

Eron, and his most trusted attendant, FODR, arrive in Kaylab’s classroom, taking his teacher, and his fellow classmates - both older and younger - by surprise. Excusing Kaylab from class, Eron, Fodr and Kaylab make their way back to Kaylab’s house, to meet with his father, and finally reveal why Kaylab survived the Starvation all those years ago.

Kaylab is heir to the throne of TERROS, which demands that Kaylab’s live be bound to their world, Devrat, to save their civilization from self destruction. Since arriving in the new world, and discovering their abilities centuries ago, magic has become a way of life for all the magical creatures, but at what cost? The source of magic is the planet itself, which means, at some point, the source may run out. But consumption doesn’t slow down, and to combat this, the original gods entrusted the Kallio lineage with an alternate source of magic, in exchange for their service - to return balance to the planet and it’s inhabitants, known broadly as Derlings.

Once the sacrifice takes place, Kaylab will become Terros, and take on the task of restoring balance, but until then, he has much to learn. Kaylab has to master his own magic, before being tithed a portion of the magic from every Derling in their world, and so far, he’s displaying abilities beyond what is common for any other Kobold. Kayl can vim, which allows him to walk into other’s minds, and he can shift, which takes him by surprise when he unwittingly turns into an enormous feline.  But in order for Kaylab to attend the ceremony, he has to leave the world he knows, and the father he loves, behind. So he packs up all his worldly belongings, and his father’s one-winged Hippogriff, who will assist by carrying their supplies for their journey, and venture out into the endless waestlands. The waestlands that are composed of nothing but miles and miles of sand, as far as the eye can see. Sand that has been created from the very world they know, having decayed and vaporized as a result of their consumption of magic.

But getting to the relatively unknown, northern most city, Makwan, to partake in the ceremony is not Kaylab’s only battle, because there are Derlings that want to stop Kayl before the sacrifice of Terros takes place. One Derling, in particular, follows Kaylab’s voyage, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.

GILTIG, a Brownie servant of the darkest Derling around, VALOEL, traps Kayl and Fodr in a magical blume that strips them of all magic and makes them invisible to the outside world. If he can keep Kayl from getting to the ceremony, there will be no tithes and Valoel will remain one of the strongest Derlings in Devrat.  Luckily for Kaylab and Fodr, ZANIRA, a human that has embarked on her own journey to the northern shores along side her sister TISLORA, show up along the same path, and with some ingenuity from Kaylab, they manage to have the women pass the barrier of the blume, which breaks the magic. But Zanira doesn’t come without her own motives, having just been attacked and molested by a couple of Fae males, Zanira is scared, and looking for any Derling protection she can find, so when she runs into innocent Kaylab, and unthreatening Fodr, Zanira jumps at the opportunity to align herself with them. Little does Kaylab realize this, when the human presents herself in his life, Kaylab feels, for the first time, what it’s like to be infatuated with a female, even if pursuing a human is frowned upon.

Giltig isn’t happy when Kaylab and Fodr escape his first trap, and quickly finds another opportunity to stop Kayl. He waits for Kayl to break off from the group, and sets their shelter on fire. Kaylab’s quick thinking, and newly trained ability to grow anything spoils Giltig’s second attempts, but he’s not easily deterred. Capturing Fodr, Giltig disappears, leaving Kaylab with the two humans to continue their journey. Though Kayl doesn’t want to continue, he knows he’s helpless unless he can get to Makwan. That night, when Giltig reappears with Fodr, his bitterness and spite get the better of him, and in a rush of excitement and haste, Giltig kills Tislora. Zanira is beside herself, and Kaylab can do nothing to help - or refuses to - when Fodr suggests he vims into Zanira’s mind to bring her solace.

When they arrive in Aqualea, the known city along the northern shore, Kaylab and Zanira share a moment, a pivotal moment for Kaylab, in solidifying his affection and determination to find a way to call this human his. As always, Kaylab’s life gets in the way of his wishes, and the next morning their journey must continue away from Zanira and the potential for love that Kaylab so desperately yearns for. Leaving the city walls of Aqualea, Kaylab and Fodr begin to fight, Kaylab’s emotional imbalance pushing him over the top, yelling at Fodr to leave and let him continue his journey alone. The obedient Brownie obliges and disappears.

Kaylab and his father’s Hippogriff, aptly named LUCKY for his ability to stay alive in the most unlikely circumstances, continue on, only to be met by Giltig one last time. This time there is no threat other than the potential harm that has come to Zanira - a fate Kayl cannot bare. For the first time in his nearly three week journey, Kayl abandons his duty and races back to Aqualea to save Zanira.
In the dead of night Kayl doesn’t notice the Chimera, a desert wydething that brings certain death to any creature it encounters, descend upon them.

Before Kayl can act, Fodr returns, killing the Chimera and saving Kaylab; but in the process, Fodr is gravely injured. Kaylab discovers yet another ability, one of healing, as Fodr dies in his arms, and is brought back to life. It’s then that Kaylab realizes he can do more for Lucky than he knew, and vims into Lucky’s memories, discovering how he lost his wing in the first place - in an effort to save Kaylab’s predecessor from being murdered by none other than Valoel. He can’t change the past, but he can heal the Hippogriff, and restores the beasts limb. No longer having a lame griff, Kayl and Fodr take to the air to close the final distance to Makwan, and the ceremony and sacrifice that Kayl has been fated for.

But something goes wrong.

As the ceremony begins, Giltig arrives with a human in tow - Zanira.

Kaylab is slowly slipping away, his body being sacrificed to the world, he finds a way to hang on, for the human, Kaylab has to hang on.


Offline kaperton

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Karma: 32
Re: TERROS - YA Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2018, 12:34:14 PM »
Okay, this genre is way outside my comfort zone, so I focused mostly on punctuation. You've got a lot of unnecessary commas.


Any and all feedback is so greatly appreciated!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Eighteen year old, Eighteen-year-old [no comma] KAYLAB KALLIO has grown up as a relatively normal Kobold, a species of creature that dominates their town of Ivoris; but Kaylab has grown up alone, being the only known Kobold to have been born, and survived during the six year Starvation that ravaged their world nearly two decades ago [those numbers aren't adding up. He was born 18 years ago and survived part of a six-year event, but it was almost twenty years ago. Maybe leave the nearly two decades ago part out].

Kaylab is still three years from inheriting his magic, but when he starts to hear voices, he has to wonder if his sanity will hold out long enough to make it to his coming of age ceremony. The voices he hears though, don’t belong to his own mind, though--they are those of the most powerful creature in their world, Eron ERON, who has coming looking for Kaylab.

Eron, and his most trusted attendant, FODR, arrive in Kaylab’s classroom, taking his teacher, and his fellow classmates - both older and younger - by surprise. Excusing Kaylab from class, Eron, Fodr and Kaylab make their way back to Kaylab’s house, to meet with his father, and finally reveal why Kaylab survived the Starvation all those years ago.

Kaylab is heir to the throne of TERROS, which demands that Kaylab’s livelife be bound to their world, Devrat, to save their civilization from self-destruction. Since arriving in the new world, and discovering their abilities centuries ago, magic has become a way of life for all the magical creatures, but at what a cost?. The source of magic is the planet itself, which means that, at some point, the source may run out. But consumption doesn’t slow down, and to combat this, the original gods entrusted the Kallio lineage with an alternate source of magic, in exchange for their service--[em dash, no spaces]to return balance to the planet and it’s its inhabitants, known broadly as Derlings.

Once the sacrifice takes place, Kaylab will become Terros, and take on the task of restoring balance, but until then, he has much to learn. Kaylab has to master his own magic, before being tithed a portion of the magic from every Derling in their world, and so far, he’s displaying abilities beyond what is common for any other Kobold. Kayl [I assume this is a nickname for Kaylab, but you just switched names mid-synopsis] can vim, which allows him to walk into other’s minds, and he can shift, which takes him by surprise when he unwittingly turns into an enormous feline.  But in order for Kaylab to attend the ceremony, he has to leave the world he knows, and the father he loves, behind. So he packs up all his worldly belongings, and his father’s one-winged Hippogriff, who will assist by carrying their supplies for their journey, and venture out into the endless waestlands [I assume this is purposely spelled like this since you repeat it? Sure looks like a typo]. The waestlands that are composed of nothing but miles and miles of sand, as far as the eye can see. Sand that has been created from the very world they know, having decayed and vaporized as a result of their consumption of magic.

But getting to the relatively unknown, northernmost [one word] city, Makwan, to partake in the ceremony is not Kaylab’s only battle, because there are Derlings that want to stop Kayl before the sacrifice of Terros takes place. One Derling, in particular, follows Kaylab’s voyage, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.

GILTIG, a Brownie [what does that mean?] servant of the darkest Derling around, VALOEL, traps Kayl and Fodr in a magical blume [what's a blume?] that strips them of all magic and makes them invisible to the outside world. If he [who? Valoel?] can keep Kayl from getting to the ceremony, there will be no tithes and Valoel will remain one of the strongest Derlings in Devrat.  Luckily for Kaylab and Fodr, ZANIRA, a human that has embarked on her own journey to the northern shores alongside [one word] her sister TISLORA, show up along the same path, and with some ingenuity from Kaylab, they manage to have the women pass the barrier of the blume, which breaks the magic. But Zanira doesn’t come without her own motives, having just been attacked and molested [ew - what do you mean by molested? Generally molested refers to children. Sexually assaulted?] by a couple of Fae males,. Zanira is scared, and looking for any Derling protection she can find, so when she runs into innocent Kaylab, and unthreatening Fodr, Zanira jumps at the opportunity to align herself with them. Little does Kaylab realize this [realize what? This sentence is confusing], when the human presents herself in his life, Kaylab feels, for the first time, what it’s like to be infatuated with a female [must you say female? That's an term that makes a lot of women's eyes roll seeing as it's come to be a way for some men to refer to all women. Could you say "infatuated with someone"? If you don't mind me saying, not all males are attracted to females.], even if pursuing a human is frowned upon [by whom? Who's he going to date if he's the only one of his kind in his age group?].

Giltig isn’t happy when Kaylab and Fodr escape his first trap, and quickly finds another opportunity to stop Kayl. He waits for Kayl to break off from the group, and sets their shelter on fire. Kaylab’s quick thinking, and newly trained ability to grow anything spoils Giltig’s second attempts, but he’s not easily deterred. Capturing Fodr, Giltig disappears, leaving Kaylab with the two humans to continue their journey. Though Kayl doesn’t want to continue, he knows he’s helpless unless he can get to the ceremony at Makwan [I added because I forgot what Makwan was. There are a lot of names to remember.]. That night, when Giltig reappears with Fodr, his bitterness and spite get the better of him, and in a rush of excitement and haste, Giltig kills Tislora [I forgot who she was, too. Maybe a quick reminder so we don't have to look back?]. Zanira is beside herself, and Kaylab can do nothing to help--or refuses to [why does he refuse to? That seems mean for our hero.]--when Fodr suggests he vims into Zanira’s mind to bring her solace.

When they arrive in Aqualea, the known city along the northern shore, Kaylab and Zanira share a moment, a pivotal moment for Kaylab, in solidifying his affection and determination to find a way to call this human his. As always, Kaylab’s life gets in the way of his wishes, and the next morning their journey must continue away from Zanira and the potential for love that Kaylab so desperately yearns for. Leaving the city walls of Aqualea, Kaylab and Fodr begin to fight, Kaylab’s emotional imbalance pushing him over the top, yelling at Fodr to leave and let him continue his journey alone. The obedient Brownie obliges and disappears.

Kaylab and his father’s Hippogriff, aptly named LUCKY for his ability to stay alive in the most unlikely circumstances, continue on, only to be met by Giltig one last time. This time there is no threat other than the potential harm that has come to Zanira - a fate Kayl cannot bare bear. For the first time in his nearly three-week journey, Kayl abandons his duty and races back to Aqualea to save Zanira.
In the dead of night Kayl doesn’t notice the Chimera, a desert wydething that brings certain death to any creature it encounters, descend upon them.

Before Kayl can act, Fodr returns, killing the Chimera and saving Kaylab; but in the process, Fodr is gravely injured. Kaylab discovers yet another ability, one of healing, as Fodr dies in his arms, and is brought back to life. It’s then that Kaylab realizes he can do more for Lucky than he knew, and vims into Lucky’s memories, discovering how he lost his wing in the first place - in an effort to save Kaylab’s predecessor from being murdered by none other than Valoel. He can’t change the past, but he can heal the Hippogriff, and restores the beast's limb [he can do that?]. No longer having a lame griff, Kayl and Fodr take to the air to close the final distance to Makwan, and the ceremony and sacrifice that Kayl has been fated for.

But something goes wrong.

As the ceremony begins, Giltig arrives with a human in tow - Zanira.

Kaylab is slowly slipping away, his body being sacrificed to the world, he finds a way to hang on, f For the human, Kaylab has to hang on.
[I assume this is a trilogy or something and this is the actual end of the book?]



« Last Edit: November 13, 2018, 12:46:34 PM by kaperton »