[Revised] Query for Spirit Fire YA fantasy

[mea310]

Hello! just wanted to post an update of my query.   I'm a first time writer and constructing a decent query letter is pretty difficult too me. So I appreciate any and all feedback!  Thank you so much!

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Dear Agent,

A mystic energy called ari has always graced the lands of Dezaria. Molded with life itself it resides in the soul of every being and manifests into abilities. Rather if it’s the gift of manipulating energy or enhanced speed, ari exists to protect life. Still, only the trained venture into the dangers of the harshly changing landscape.
 
Eighteen-year-old Shay Rivers never thought she’d witness this place, the strange lands of her dreams. After being kidnapped on the last day of high school, Shay awakens on the jungle floor of Dezaria. Here she is a prisoner as the paid bandits who kidnapped her escort her to an unknown fate.

Everything changes when Shay encounters a mysterious lone traveler during her attempt to escape. Rumored to be cursed with monstrous power, Shay’s captors are frightened off by the mere glance of his red-colored eyes. This traveler is also Shay’s only lead to finding the town of Surai, the home of a researcher who can help her return home. Meanwhile, an unknown enemy insists on Shay’s capture, sending warriors at every turn. In order to survive, Shay must trust in her own courage and fight. During her race to Surai, will also discover her true connection here; the role she is fated to play in tipping Dezaria’s scale of natural power.

SPIRIT FIRE is a 104, 000- word YA epic fantasy with series potential.

[kaperton]

Hello! just wanted to post an update of my query.   I'm a first time writer and constructing a decent query letter is pretty difficult too me. So I appreciate any and all feedback!  Thank you so much!

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Dear Agent,

Something here about why you chose this agent.

A mystic energy called ari has always graced the lands of Dezaria. Molded with life itself[comma] it resides in the soul of every being and manifests into abilities. Rather if Whether it’s the gift of manipulating energy or enhanced speed, ari exists to protect life. Still, only the trained venture into the dangers of the harshly changing landscape.
 
Eighteen-year-old Shay Rivers never thought she’d witness this place, the strange lands of her dreams. After being kidnapped on the last day of high school, Shay awakens on the jungle floor of Dezaria.  Ideally this sentence would start your query. Here she is a prisoner as the paid bandits who kidnapped her escort her to an unknown fate.

During her attempt to escape, Everything changes when Shay encounters a mysterious lone traveler during her attempt to escape. "Everything changes" is a little cliched and I don't think it really fits - everything already changed when she was kidnapped. Rumored to be cursed with monstrous power, dangling participle - sounds like it's referring to Shay's captors Shay’s captors are frightened off by the mere glance of his red-colored eyes. This traveler is also Shay’s only lead to finding the town of Surai, the home of a It would be great if you had an adjective here that would make the researcher more intriguing - the word "researcher" alone brings up an image of a dry, dull bookworm-type. researcher who can help her return home. Meanwhile, an unknown enemy insists on Shay’s capture, sending warriors at every turn. In order to survive, Shay must trust in her own courage and fight. During her race to Surai, will also discover her true connection here;[colon or em-dash] the role she is fated to play in tipping Dezaria’s scale of natural power. This sentence is a little anti-climactic -- "tipping the scale of natural power" doesn't really grab me.

SPIRIT FIRE is a 104, 000- word [remove spaces - should say 104,000-word] YA epic fantasy with series potential.

[007 fan]

Hello! just wanted to post an update of my query.   I'm a first time writer and constructing a decent query letter is pretty difficult too me. So I appreciate any and all feedback!  Thank you so much!

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Dear Agent,

I think you had a more interesting opening with a past version of the first paragraph....

A mysterious energy has always graces the lands of Dezaria, fabricating its nature and molded with life itself.  Ari influences the land’s vibrant beauty and the powerful creatures that roam it.  It gives people the ability to draw their own power from their very souls.  However, a long history of war for dominion of Ari (shouldn't it be "Ari's"?)sources has left ancient empires crumbled and the course of nature dangerously shifted (out of balance? "shifted" sounds off.)  .

Kapteron gave you some good suggestions. The only thing I can add at this time has to do with the words I bolded below. Those words feel like a slip to first person when you should stay in third person. Maybe I'm mistaken about the shift. Hopefully someone will come along and state whether those are slips or not. 


A mystic energy called ari has always graced the lands of Dezaria. Molded with life itself it resides in the soul of every being and manifests into abilities. Rather if it’s the gift of manipulating energy or enhanced speed, ari exists to protect life. Still, only the trained venture into the dangers of the harshly changing landscape.
 
Eighteen-year-old Shay Rivers never thought she’d witness this place, the strange lands of her dreams. After being kidnapped on the last day of high school, Shay awakens on the jungle floor of Dezaria. Here she is a prisoner as the paid bandits who kidnapped her escort her to an unknown fate.

Everything changes when Shay encounters a mysterious lone traveler during her attempt to escape. Rumored to be cursed with monstrous power, Shay’s captors are frightened off by the mere glance of his red-colored eyes. This traveler is also Shay’s only lead to finding the town of Surai, the home of a researcher who can help her return home. Meanwhile, an unknown enemy insists on Shay’s capture, sending warriors at every turn. In order to survive, Shay must trust in her own courage and fight. During her race to Surai, will also discover her true connection here; the role she is fated to play in tipping Dezaria’s scale of natural power.

SPIRIT FIRE is a 104, 000- word YA epic fantasy with series potential.