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Author Topic: This Monstrous Place - YA horror  (Read 947 times)
007 fan
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« Reply #30 on: March 15, 2019, 12:36:10 AM »

Oof. Took in TigerAsh's suggestion and altered the first line. There's two versions this time! The only difference between them is that first paragraph, but the whole query is posted just so you can see how it reads altogether.

--

VERSION #01:

Some places shouldn’t be explored.

Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with Bryant Island. When the asylum closed, they abandoned the island—but urban legends claim the ghosts of tortured patients remained. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capture the asylum and see if it truly is haunted.

I love the "fascinated"! However, my preference is another version of your first paragraph. Here's what I envision....


Quote
Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with the urban legend of Bryant Island. Its asylum closed after allegations of patient abuse, leaving the island abandoned. Some say something unnatural remained behind. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, she seizes her chance to see if the island truly is haunted—or cursed.

I feel getting in 'urban legend' into your very first sentence makes it a hook rather than a statement. And I like the short sentence of "some say something...." I find it to be a perfect foreshadowing to propel the reader forward in your query. And it feels less like telling than what you are presenting for first paragraph.

Once on Bryant Island, Analiese discovers nothing is as expected. The townspeople didn’t leave—they vanished. Vicious monsters lurk the empty streets, horrific things with no skin and too many teeth. The only human left, a strange boy, warns Analiese to leave before it’s too late.

But it already is.

The bridge leaving the island has mysteriously collapsed. Trapped with the monsters, Analiese must unravel the island’s secrets if she hopes to escape. Something far darker occurred during the tragedies of Bryant Island's asylum, something that wants to be found.

--

VERSION #02:

Some places shouldn’t be explored.

Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with the Bryant Island asylum. Abandoned decades ago, urban legends claim the ghosts of tortured patients remain within its derelict walls. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capture the asylum—and see if it truly is haunted.

Once on Bryant Island, Analiese discovers nothing is as expected. The townspeople didn’t leave—they vanished. Vicious monsters lurk the empty streets, horrific things with no skin and too many teeth. The only human left, a strange boy, warns Analiese to leave before it’s too late.

But it already is.

The bridge leaving the island has mysteriously collapsed. Trapped with the monsters, Analiese must unravel the island’s secrets if she hopes to escape. Something far darker occurred during the tragedies of Bryant Island's asylum, something that wants to be found.
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neverish
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« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2019, 11:29:54 AM »

Thank you for your input, 007 fan!  Smiley Let's try this again?

--

Some places shouldn’t be explored.

Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with the urban legend of Bryant Island. Its asylum closed after allegations of patient abuse and torture, leaving the island abandoned. Stories say something unnatural remained. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capture the asylum—and see if it truly is haunted, or cursed.

Once on Bryant Island, Analiese discovers nothing is as expected. The townspeople didn’t leave—they vanished. Vicious monsters lurk the empty streets, horrific things with no skin and too many teeth. The only human left, a strange boy, warns Analiese to leave before it’s too late.

But it already is.

The bridge leaving the island has mysteriously collapsed. Trapped with the monsters, Analiese must unravel the island’s secrets if she hopes to escape. Something far darker occurred during the tragedies of Bryant Island's asylum, something that wants to be found.

THIS MONSTROUS PLACE is a 62,000 word YA horror novel. It will appeal to fans of Courtney Alameda’s Shutter or Dawn Kurtagich’s And the Trees Crept In. [Insert bio here]
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007 fan
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« Reply #32 on: March 19, 2019, 05:23:25 PM »

Thank you for your input, 007 fan!  Smiley Let's try this again?

You're welcome.  Smiley

--

Some places shouldn’t be explored.

Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with the urban legend of Bryant Island. Its asylum closed after allegations of patient abuse and torture, leaving the island abandoned. Stories say something unnatural remained. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capture the asylum—and see if it truly is haunted, or cursed.

I think your last clause would be stronger as....to capture the asylum and see if it truly is haunted--or cursed.

Once on Bryant Island, Analiese discovers nothing is as expected. The townspeople didn’t leave—they vanished. Vicious monsters lurk the empty streets, horrific things with no skin and too many teeth. The only human left, a strange boy, warns Analiese to leave before it’s too late.

But it already is.

The bridge leaving the island has mysteriously collapsed. Trapped with the monsters, Analiese must unravel the island’s secrets if she hopes to escapeI think "survive" might be better? I suspect you chose "escape" because of the bridge collapse, but people have vanished and there are teethy monsters.. Something far darker occurred during the tragedies of Bryant Island's asylum, something that wants to be found.

THIS MONSTROUS PLACE is a 62,000 word YA horror novel. It will appeal to fans of Courtney Alameda’s Shutter or Dawn Kurtagich’s And the Trees Crept In. [Insert bio here]
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« Reply #33 on: March 20, 2019, 05:06:24 PM »

Thank you for your input, 007 fan!  Smiley Let's try this again?

--

Some places shouldn’t be explored.

Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick is fascinated with the urban legend of Bryant Island. Its asylum closed after allegations of patient abuse and torture, leaving the island abandoned. Stories say I would go with "But legend has it..."something unnatural remained. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capturecapture sounds awkward, though I know you're using it because of the photography element; I'd go with explore the asylum—and see if it truly is haunted, or cursed.

Once on Bryant Island I imagine getting there was no walk in the park, so maybe it's worth mentioning how she managed to reach this horrible place, Analiese discovers nothing is as expected. The townspeople didn’t leave—they vanished. Vicious monsters lurk the empty streets, horrific things with no skin and too many teeth. The only human left, a strange boy, warns Analiese to leave before it’s too late.

But it already is.

The bridge leaving the island has mysteriously collapsed. Trapped with the monsters, Analiese must unravel the island’s secrets if she hopes to escape. Something far darker occurred during the tragedies of Bryant Island's asylum, something that wants to be found.

THIS MONSTROUS PLACE is a 62,000 word YA horror novel. It will appeal to fans of Courtney Alameda’s Shutter or Dawn Kurtagich’s And the Trees Crept In. these book titles should be formatted either in all capitals or with quotations [Insert bio here]

This is reading so much sleeker than before!
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rivergirl
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« Reply #34 on: March 20, 2019, 06:47:44 PM »

The only thing that caught my attention in this newest version was the word captured. It struck me as odd without it being attached to another photo reference. maybe: When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, Analiese seizes her chance to capture the asylum spooky image—and see if it truly is haunted, or cursed.

Another great query.
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Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #35 on: March 21, 2019, 12:26:43 PM »

I preferred this beginning. 'is fascinated' is telly and sort of tells the reader to be fascinated before they hear the fascinating thing. This way you had it below, avoids that weak writing habit of telling before you show.


Seventeen-year-old Analiese Merrick knows the legend of Bryant Island— how the asylum closed after years of patient torture at the hands of staff, and the ghost town that remained. When her photography teacher assigns a project on urban decay, she knows this is her chance to see if the stories are true.

« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 12:29:36 PM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
neverish
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« Reply #36 on: March 24, 2019, 04:53:47 PM »

Ack, sorry I didn't get back to this sooner -- Thank you for your feedback, 007 fan, Ro, Rivergirl & Pineapplejuice! I really appreciate it. Smiley
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