Author Topic: Farrian's Quest - Fantasy (where do I go from here?)  (Read 561 times)

Offline LydiaRose

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Farrian's Quest - Fantasy (where do I go from here?)
« on: March 17, 2019, 02:17:39 PM »
I've been working on my synopsis for some time, and I seem to have hit a wall. I've got the foundation, but I think I need some feedback to flesh it out. So I am asking here - what does it need? Does it flow? Are there glaring questions that should be answered?



As Farrian explores the annual spring festival, he meets a beautiful young woman. While exploring the festival they discover many shared interests, and their whirlwind romance blossoms. Their relationship hits a snag when Farrian's older brother Rorik finds out, and brings it to their father's attention. His objection? Farrian is a prince, and Alasya is a common travelling dancer. Farrian's attempts to convince them of Alasya's virtues fall on empty ears, and his hopes of marrying her begin to crumble.

On the final day of the of the festival, King Aderes announces a challenge to all the men in Arbridan: a kingly prize to the man who brings him the Horn of Carvond. Seeing a loophole that would allow him to marry Alasya, Farrian accepts and leaves for the neighbouring kingdom, Castillette.

Farrian sneaks into the Castillette treasure room, but is discovered and dragged before the king. King Laertan surprises Farrian with his generosity and offers a new challenge: If Farrian brings him the Four Treasures of Gouatha, he can have the horn.

Farrian manages to steal the Four Treasures but is caught before he can leave the city. He is sentenced to one year in the tortuous Azhivak Dungeon. Laertan sends word to Arbridan of Farrian’s imprisonment, but Rorik, Farrian's older, jealous brother, intercepts the letter. Seeing a chance to punish his father for years of favouring his youngest son, Rorik tells Aderes the Gouathans executed Farrian outright. Aderes falls into a deep despair and Rorik seizes the throne, banishing anyone who speaks out against him.

Farrian is released from the Azhivak Dungeon and given a full pardon. After his strength returns, the king tells him about the most famous horse race in the kingdom. He offers to appoint Farrian as his rider, promising the Four Treasures as a reward. Farrian accepts the king’s offer and rides well despite the odds against him, gaining the Four Treasures.

Farrian returns to Castillette, presenting Laertan with the Four Treasures. Laertan gives him the golden horn and makes an offer of his daughter Katerinan’s hand in marriage if Alasya refuses. Farrian is certain Alasya will be waiting, but nevertheless accepts. As he crosses the mountains to return home, Rorik appears and attacks him. Their fighting triggers an avalanche, sweeping them down the mountain.

Rorik finds Farrian lying in the snow, apparently dead. Faced with the reality of his actions, Rorik is horrified by what he has done. As he returns to the capitol he meets one of his father’s friends and asks him to dispense justice. Rorik is found guilty of treason and stripped of his claim to the throne. Farrian is revealed to be alive, is given the claim to the throne and pardons Rorik of the murder charge.

Once Farrian has undone the damage Rorik caused he searches for Alasya, but no one seems to know anything about her. Laertan and Katerinan arrive in Arbridan and she reveals she was Alasya. The wedding is a grand event, but in the morning, Katerinan has vanished without a trace. Farrian dreams of a mysterious woman who claims to have Katerinan captive. Laertan reveals that he knows the woman, and that she cursed the royal bloodline of Castillette. Continued searching reveals she lives in a forest in a corner of Arbridan, and her hidden weakness is the sound from the Horn of Carvond.

Farrian takes his brothers and Laertan to the forest to find Katerinan and confront her kidnapper. Farrian and Laertan weaken her with the Horn of Carvond and are able to kill her, but not before she declares suffering for Farrian’s brothers and future children. After finding Katerinan, the group makes their escape as the fortress crumbles around them.

Offline newtothis22

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Re: Farrian's Quest - Fantasy (where do I go from here?)
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2019, 02:22:22 PM »
I don't consider myself an expert but I hope this helps you. The first time Farrian's name is mentioned as well as the other main characters you name it should be all capitol letters. Saying that I would also remove some of the names. With so many names and places it gets a little confusing.

As FARRIAN explores the annual spring festival, he meets a beautiful young woman. While exploring the festival they discover many shared interests, and their whirlwind romance blossoms. Their relationship hits a snag when Farrian's older brother Rorik finds out, and brings it to their father's attention. His objection? Farrian is a prince, and Alasya is a common travelling dancer. Farrian's attempts to convince them of Alasya's virtues fall on empty ears, and his hopes of marrying her begin to crumble.
 
I would change the second sentence, ex: During the days long festival they discover many shared interest, and their whirlwind romance blossoms. The last sentence also, ex: Farrian's attempts to convince his family of Alasya's virtues fall on deaf ears and his hopes of marrying her begin to crumble.

On the final day of the of the festival, King Aderes announces a challenge to all the men in Arbridan: a kingly prize to the man who brings him the Horn of Carvond. Seeing a loophole that would allow him to marry Alasya, Farrian accepts and leaves for the neighboring kingdom, Castillette.

Farrian sneaks into the Castillette treasure room, but is discovered and dragged before the king. King Laertan surprises Farrian with his generosity and offers a new challenge: If Farrian brings him the Four Treasures of Gouatha, he can have the horn.

Farrian manages to steal the Four Treasures but is caught before he can leave the city. He is sentenced to one year in the (try infamous here instead) tortuous Azhivak Dungeon. Laertan sends word to Arbridan of Farrian’s imprisonment, but Rorik, Farrian's older, jealous brother, intercepts the letter. Seeing a chance to punish his father for years of favoring his youngest son, Rorik tells Aderes the Gouathans executed Farrian outright. Aderes falls into a deep despair and Rorik seizes the throne, banishing anyone who speaks out against him.

Boy, he isn't much of a thief if he got caught twice. This paragraph is an example of too many names. I had to keep going back to figure who was who and which were places. Here is one way to change some of it. King Laertan sends word to Farrian's father of the imprisonment, but Rorik, Farrian's jealous older brother intercepts the letter. Seeing a chance to punish his father for years of favoring his youngest son, Rorik tells their father Farrian was executed outright. (I would think if the father was so upset about this that he would attack the other kingdom but that's just me). The King falls into a deep despair and Rorik seizes the throne, etc etc. 


Farrian is released from the Azhivak Dungeon and given a full pardon. After his strength returns, the king tells him about the most famous horse race in the kingdom. He offers to appoint Farrian as his rider, promising the Four Treasures as a reward. Farrian accepts the king’s offer and rides well despite the odds against him, gaining the Four Treasures.

Farrian returns to Castillette, presenting Laertan with the Four Treasures. Laertan gives him the golden horn and makes an offer of his daughter Katerinan’s hand in marriage if Alasya refuses. Farrian is certain Alasya will be waiting, but nevertheless accepts. As he crosses the mountains to return home, Rorik appears and attacks him. Their fighting triggers an avalanche, sweeping them down the mountain.

Rorik finds Farrian lying in the snow, apparently dead. Faced with the reality of his actions, Rorik is horrified by what he has done. As he returns to the capitol he meets one of his father’s friends and asks him to dispense justice. Rorik is found guilty of treason and stripped of his claim to the throne. Farrian is revealed to be alive, is given the claim to the throne and pardons Rorik of the murder charge.

I find the brothers guilt strange after he lied about Farrian's death and stole the throne.

Once Farrian has undone the damage Rorik caused he searches for Alasya, but no one seems to know anything about her. Laertan and Katerinan arrive in Arbridan and she reveals she was Alasya. The wedding is a grand event, but in the morning, Katerinan has vanished without a trace. Farrian dreams of a mysterious woman who claims to have Katerinan captive. Laertan reveals that he knows the woman, and that she cursed the royal bloodline of Castillette. Continued searching reveals she lives in a forest in a corner of Arbridan, and her hidden weakness is the sound from the Horn of Carvond.

Farrian takes his brothers and Laertan to the forest to find Katerinan and confront her kidnapper. Farrian and Laertan weaken her with the Horn of Carvond and are able to kill her, but not before she declares suffering for Farrian’s brothers and future children. After finding Katerinan, the group makes their escape as the fortress crumbles around them.


This sounds like an interesting story but when you get to the end and say that Farrian's brother's and future children are cursed two things cross my mind. Either this is a start to a series with the same characters (so they can undo the curse) or the story is not for me (no happy ending). Is there a happily ever after? Because fleeing safely from a crumbling building is not that. Maybe add another sentence about the couple marrying if that is how it ends. The whole point of his adventures was he was willing to risk anything to marry his love. Did he get to? Hope this helps. I didn't go into detail with every sentence so there may be things I missed. Maybe someone else will comment.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 02:24:13 PM by newtothis22 »

Offline retroisking

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Re: Farrian's Quest - Fantasy (where do I go from here?)
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2019, 07:02:32 AM »
I counted six names and had to keep going back to figure out who was who. Try to get it to three names if possible.
If the King is his father and refuses the marriage, why does he allow his son to risk his life to win the chance at marrying her?

I think this following line really raises a lot of questions that I think might cause an agent to pause.
"Farrian returns to Castillette, presenting Laertan with the Four Treasures. Laertan gives him the golden horn and makes an offer of his daughter Katerinan’s hand in marriage if Alasya refuses. Farrian is certain Alasya will be waiting, but nevertheless accepts.

 Doesn't sound like true love to me. I thought the whole point of doing all this was for her. For me it killed the motivation/belief in the hero.

Over all sounds like the making of a great story.