Author Topic: Brotherhood revisited  (Read 425 times)

Offline abauthor

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: 1
Brotherhood revisited
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:30:19 AM »
In retrospect, my first query version was not great. Thanks for your input. What do you think of the following?


Dear Ms. Agent:

Johnny Gambrini decides that a quick death is preferable to another day of Louie beating the crap out of him. When Louie is the only terrorist in the room, Johnny attacks. He is gut shot in the ensuing struggle. Louie is killed. And Johnny escapes in Louie’s car.

Johnny is free, but his freedom is tenuous. The terrorists had grabbed him to learn how he knew enough to write about them in his political blog. Killing Louie creates a sea change. Now it is personal. Now they hunt Johnny because they will kill him.

The cops won’t help. Armed with stone-cold evidence, they issue a warrant for his arrest for car theft and assault with a deadly weapon. Soon they’ll find Louie’s body. When they do, the charge will escalate to first degree murder.

Staying alive is the top priority for Johnny. Avoiding a lengthy jail sentence is also important. But there is more at stake than Johnny’s life. These assholes are plotting the overthrow of the federal government, and they may have support for this treason from inside the U. S. Congress.
 
Johnny has no proof that The Brotherhood even exists. His anonymous informer sends word that he will receive no new information. He is severely wounded and on the run. But he has no choice. If he is to live as a free man to enjoy his 26th birthday he—with help from Matthew, a friend and private detective, and Cassie, a new friend and rookie FBI agent—needs to learn enough to sic the authorities after the terrorists.

Six of my short stories have been published. My first novel, a mystery and the first volume of a trilogy, was just released by Blue Stone Media. A draft of volume two is near completion.

Brotherhood, a thriller, is complete at 80,000 words. I’ve attached the first chapter and a short synopsis below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

David A. Stelzig
Address
Phone Number


Offline kaperton

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Karma: 32
Re: Brotherhood revisited
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2019, 03:16:59 PM »
All of these short sentences are too much. You need to mix up your sentence lengths a little.



Dear Ms. Agent:

Johnny Gambrini decides that a quick death is preferable to another day of Louie beating the crap out of him. Great first sentence. When Louie is the only terrorist in the room, Johnny attacks. He is gut shot in the ensuing struggle. Louie is killed. And Johnny escapes in Louie’s car. Johnny attacks, kills Louie, and escapes in Louie's car.

Johnny is free, but his freedom is tenuous.Johnny has been shot in the gut, but he's free--for now Just a suggestion for a way to work the gutshot back in. The terrorists had grabbed him to learn how he knew enough to write about them in his political blog. Killing Louie creates a sea change. Now it isNow that he's killed Louie, it's personal. Now --they hunt Johnny because they will to kill him.

The cops won’t help. Why not? Armed with stone-cold is that the right term? evidence, they issue a warrant for his arrest for car theft and assault with a deadly weapon. Soon they’ll find Louie’s body. When they do, the charge will escalate to first degree murder.

Staying alive is the top priority for Johnny. Avoiding a lengthy jail sentence is also important. But there is more at stake than Johnny’s life. These assholes are plotting the overthrow of the federal government, and they may have support for this treason from inside the U. S. Congress.
 
Johnny has no proof that The Brotherhood Who are the Brotherhood? They came out of nowhere. even exists. His anonymous informer sends word that he will receive no new information. He is severely wounded and on the run. But he has no choice. If he is to live as a free man to enjoy his 26th birthday hebirthday, Johnny—with help from Matthew, a friend and private detective, and Cassie, a new friend and rookie FBI agent—needs to learn enough to sic the authorities after the terrorists.

Six of my short stories have been published. My first novel, Title? a mystery and the first volume of a trilogy, was just released by Blue Stone Media. A draft of volume two is near completion.

Brotherhood, a thriller, is complete at 80,000 words. I’ve attached the first chapter and a short synopsis below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely/Kind Regards,

David A. Stelzig
Address
Phone Number


« Last Edit: March 28, 2019, 03:21:30 PM by kaperton »

Offline rivergirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1075
  • Karma: 226
Re: Brotherhood revisited
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2019, 06:23:59 PM »
Johnny Gambrini decides that a quick death is preferable to another day of Louie beating the crap out of him. When Louie is the only terrorist in the room, Johnny attacks. He is gut shot in the ensuing struggle. Louie is killed. And Johnny escapes in Louie’s car. Not loving the short choppy sentences here at the end of the para. I don't love the first sentence because when you say quick death I assume he'd rather kill himself that face Louie. I'd reword. Johnny Gambrini would rather rush his captor and face death than live through another day of waterboarding. In an ensuing struggle, Johnny wrestles with a masked captors, blah blah blah

Johnny is free, but his freedom is tenuous. The terrorists had grabbed him to learn how he knew enough to write about them in his political blog. Killing Louie creates a sea change.what is sea change? Now it is personal. Now they hunt Johnny because they will kill him. (your voice is missing here)If the terrorists get their hands on Johnny again, they will kill him.

The cops won’t help. Armed with stone-cold evidence, they issue a warrant for his arrest for car theft and assault with a deadly weapon. Soon they’ll find Louie’s body. When they do, the charge will escalate to first degree murder.

Staying alive is the top priority for Johnny. Avoiding a lengthy jail sentence is also important. But there is more at stake than Johnny’s life. These assholes are plotting the overthrow of the federal government,(finally your voice!) and they may have support for this treason from inside the U. S. Congress.
 
Johnny has no proof that The Brotherhood (like abauathor mentioned, the brotherhood comes out of the blue. either leave the name out or mention above) even exists. His anonymous informer sends word that he will receive no new information. He is severely wounded and on the run. But he has no choice. has no choice for what? to run??? If he is to live as a free man to enjoy his 26th birthday he—with help from Matthew, a friend and private detective, and Cassie, a new friend and rookie FBI agent—needs to learn enough to sic the authorities after the terrorists. If Johnny is to survive long enough to enjoy his twenty-six birthday, he'll have figure out how to do the impossible--uncover proof of the Brotherhoods existence. (all numbers should be written out unless it is a scientific term) I don't really care about Cassie, Matthew, etc... because they are just tacked on at the end. I'd leave them out. The story sounds really good.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 06:25:49 PM by rivergirl »

Offline abauthor

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: 1
Re: Brotherhood revisited
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2019, 07:57:27 AM »
You guys have been most helpful. One final look would be appreciated if you are so inclined. I've changed the protagonist's name for reasons that aren't important here. Should I include the title of my published mystery? What about the name of the publishing company? Thanks again.

Dear Ms. Agent:

Johnny Williams decides a quick death, if that is to be, is preferable to another day of Louie beating the crap out of him. When Louie is the only terrorist in the room, Johnny attacks. He is gutshot. But he manages to shoot Louie and grab both his gun and his car keys.

The terrorists tortured Johnny to learn how he knew to announce in his political blog that a new terrorist cell was moving into the nation’s capital. Doing so, they gave credence to Johnny’s anonymous tip that these assholes are plotting the overthrow of our federal government, possibly with support from inside the United States Congress. This is scary as hell.

Johnny is burdened with fearful knowledge, but he has no proof that the terrorist cell even exists, and his source no longer communicates with him. Then, disaster, his informer is shot to death.

Being a black resident of Baltimore, Johnny has an innate distrust of authorities. Also, the cops have issued a warrant for his arrest for car theft and assault with a deadly weapon. Soon they’ll find Louie’s body. When they do, the charge will escalate to first degree murder.

Johnny has broken ribs and a serious stomach wound. The terrorists hunt him, hoping to kill him. The cops want to toss his ass in jail. People around him that might have helped are shot. Unless he comes up with a plan, odds are that he’ll be either in prison or dead before his twenty-sixth birthday.

Six of my short stories have been published. My first novel, a mystery entitled, When the Rabbit Screams, was just released by Blue Stone Media.

Brotherhood is a thriller, complete at 80,000 words. I’ve attached the first chapter and a short synopsis below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Name
Address


Offline MsGretaGreen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 25
  • Karma: 4
Re: Brotherhood revisited
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2019, 08:22:38 AM »
Hello! Here are some quick thoughts on ways to tighten your query:

Dear Ms. Agent:

Johnny Williams decides a quick death, if that is to be, is preferable to another day of Louie beating the crap out of him. When Louie is the only terrorist I’m not sure what you mean here. Is he calling him a terrorist because he is a bully, or because her is an actual TERRORIST?in the room, Johnny attacks. He is gutshot, but manages to shoot Louie and grab both his gun and his car keys.

The terroristsOk, so he is an actual terrorist. Maybe you should set up the inciting scene better, and before your second sentence?. I.E. Louie and his fellow terrorists have held Johnny captive ever since he blew the cover on their plans to move to the nation’s capital. They want to know who tipped him off...etc.etc. tortured Johnny to learn how he knew to announce in his political blog that a new terrorist cell was moving into the nation’s capital. Doing so, they gave credence to Johnny’s anonymous tip that these assholes are plotting the overthrow of our federal government, possibly with support from inside the United States Congress. This is scary as hell.

Johnny is burdened with fearful knowledge, but he has no proof what about the proof that they kidnapped and tortured him???that the terrorist cell even exists, and his source no longer communicates with him. Then, disaster, his informer is shot to death.

Being a black resident of Baltimore, Johnny has an innate distrust of authorities.and this is why he doesn’t go to the police with his info, but broadcasts it online? Also, the cops have issued a warrant for his arrest for car theft and assault with a deadly weapon.Is he a criminal? This makes him less appealing or sympathetic to the reader Soon they’ll find Louie’s body. wait. Louie died?When they do, the charge will escalate to first degree murder.

Johnny has broken ribs and a serious stomach wound. The terrorists hunt him, hoping to kill him. The cops want to toss his ass in jail. People around him that might have helped are shot. Unless he comes up with a plan, odds are that he’ll be either in prison or dead before his twenty-sixth birthday.

Six of my short stories have been published. My first novel, a mystery entitled, When the Rabbit Screams, was just released by Blue Stone Media.

Brotherhood is a thriller, complete at 80,000 words. I’ve attached the first chapter and a short synopsis below.

Okay. I think your first sentence is good, minus the crossed-out portion. The order of events I find unclear. Perhaps, you can set up why he is being tortured, where he is, who the terrorists are, etc. Then move to the moment when he is alone with Louie and has a chance to attack. Then Louie dies and Johnny is really screwed. He has no proof of this terrorist cell groups existence, he cannot reach his informer, a body is hiding in his trunk, and the cops are after him for criminal behavior.  On top of it all, he is injured and time is running out.