AGENT LETTER WITH SAMPLE

[retroisking]

Dear Agent X,

My grandmother and best friend have reviewed my book and told me I am the next king of horror. My book, which is FICTION and NEARLY complete at 27 thousand words, is called, I AM NOT STEPHEN KING. My story revolves a man named STEPHEN KING, who looks nothing like the author STEPHEN KING but dreams about becoming STEPHEN KING.  When STEPHEN KING bumps into STEPHEN KING he realizes that there can be only one STEPHEN KING and sets out to write a  book  entitled, I AM STEPHEN KING.

I AM NOT STEPHEN KING, is a horror-suspense-romance that dabbles in science fiction, literary and feminism and will appeal to readers of Dr Suess and Plato. I won the spelling bee in third grade and  STEPHEN KING told me via twitter, "Sounds like a good book." ((PLEASE NOTE THAT IT WAS NOT THE STEPHEN KING rather the AUTHOR STEPHEN KING from Boise. Coincidentally my name is Stephen King.

I saw you on twitter and you said, "I like to read great books...." and  based on that poetic quote, we are a match. Lets sell two million copies the first year. Please hurry and get back to me because I have bulked emailed this out to two hundred agents. A sample of my prose is below.

Sincerely,
Stephen-,' Not that Stephen King', King.

SAMPLE

--Stephen King breathed in the cold air and then exhaled the cold air. "Wow, it is cold out here," he said out loud his voice carrying through the cold air. He pulled his scarf tight to protect himself from the cold air and then his cap down over his ears to keep them protected from the cold air. Smiling at the sign, "COLD AIR" he laughed. "COLD AIR" he said out loud then turned as a vampire walked past him. Then his wife walked over and kissed him. "I am going to the store." Then she walked through the cold air into the store called, Cold Air. (This opening leads to the vampires and mafia hit-men who battle fallen angels while he writes his book.)




 

[NOT AGENT X]

Dear Stephen-,' Not that Stephen King', King,

Thank you for the chance to read your  query and sample I AM NOT STEPHEN KING.  I read both as I was resting up at the coffee shop sipping my favorite decaf  bacon cream cheese double espresso.  Seldom have I come across writing that I feel I can represent  with great  passion. You had me at "horror".

A story about vampires, mafia hit-men, and fallen angels sounds like something right up my alley. I do like to read great books! That being said I was hoping you would consider re-submitting your 27,000 word manuscript  as a picture  book .

Also, as you know from my Twitter account, I adore my pet hamster. Don't you love his pictures?!  I was wondering if you might consider adding a hamster character. Oh, and maybe changing your title I AM NOT STEPHEN KING to GREEN EGGS AND HAMSTER. Clever huh?! 

I look forward to your revisions. You might hear from me in six months or six years or whenever. Or not. Keep in mind I am busy, busy, busy.

All best,
NOT AGENT X
 

[retroisking]

Agent X,

It is an honour to have you offer- not offer, representation. To be honest I was hesitant on taking your advice (I have watched three Youtube videos by unpublished authors who contradicted your advice) but after reading your seven page biography on your website, I could tell you are by no means conceited and are the humble agent I need. Your representation of 'VCR repair in the 21st century' and 'How to blame others for your own problems' has shown me that you are the agent I will listen to.
I have already changed the title, though I am naming the hamster Stephen King. I do love the pictures of your hamster and have commissioned a bronze sculpture of his image to be sent to you. I have also remortgaged my house to pay for an illustrator. I know agents are busy but I ask this humbly, could you get back to me before 2028 ?(That is when the balloon payment is needed for my second mortgage)

Thank you
Stephen-,' Not that Stephen King', King.

[kaperton]

SAMPLE

--Stephen King breathed in the cold air and then exhaled the cold air. "Wow, it is cold out here," he said out loud his voice carrying through the cold air. He pulled his scarf tight to protect himself from the cold air and then his cap down over his ears to keep them protected from the cold air. Smiling at the sign, "COLD AIR" he laughed. "COLD AIR" he said out loud then turned as a vampire walked past him. Then his wife walked over and kissed him. "I am going to the store." Then she walked through the cold air into the store called, Cold Air. (This opening leads to the vampires and mafia hit-men who battle fallen angels while he writes his book.)
 

The query is great, but I'm concerned about your writing sample.

1. You need more adverbs. For example, you might consider this: "Smiling largely at the sign, "COLD AIR" he laughed coldly.

2. You are also using the word "said" too many times. Try never to use the same dialogue tag twice. Consider intoned, declared, vocalized, breathed, exclaimed.

3. Also, you need to give more detail about the actions. You only told me about one breath. And you only used the word "walk" three times. Surely the characters are doing more walking and breathing than that. I want to be there with them, taking each breath and step. Also, how are they breathing? Deeply or maniacally? Are they walking briskly or lumpily? See point #1.

[Pineapplejuice]

  I want to read this book lol. I love Stephen King, ( the real one ) so I got a very clear picture of him standing outside on a Main street. I could even picture him breathing in the cold air.