Author Topic: First of Her Name - YA fantasy  (Read 1398 times)

Offline Seshat

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First of Her Name - YA fantasy
« on: April 02, 2019, 09:27:41 PM »
While vying for her brother's throne, a blue-haired princess discovers he's possessed by a god - one willing to tear apart the human world for a personal mission. Along with a commoner and a foreign queen, the princess fights to save both her brother and her kingdom from the god’s plans.

Thanks for the feedback!

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: First of Her Name - YA fantasy
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2019, 01:39:13 PM »
I'd try something completely different. This plot is too simple. I know it's hard to find the word to efficiently convey a twist in there but keep trying!

Not trying to be mean, just saying it's not doing anything. I like the fact the brother is possessed but i feel the rest of the words are sort of reiterating the same kind of point where you could be saying something else to complicate the problem.

What are the stakes. Because it feels like a 'destroy the world' kind of plot and you need to try to get the agent to connect to the MC ( the princess? ) , because the destroy the world plot is overdone, so  highlighting that isn't going to attract attention because it's not original.

I love the fact she has blue hair, but that's not plot either.  So it's weird to mention that yet we don't yet know anything else about her. Like, maybe she doesn't care about her brother, or the world, so why shouid we?

'Personal mission' is so vague it's not worth putting it in there.

Possessed by an evil god spells out that there will be trouble for everyone anyway, so no need to try to explain that further. He's the threat, but what threat exactly is the MC under? What does she personally have to lose and what will happen if she fails?

The other thing taking up ( wasting ) space , is mentioning the sub characters, which add absolutely nothing interesting given that you do not have room to explain their role or relevance.

Try to get stakes in there. Even though you have micro space to do it in   ;D
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 01:44:20 PM by Pineapplejuice »