Author Topic: Paranormal Romance (I think...historical, fantasy, spec fic possible)  (Read 472 times)

Offline Catharina S

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I'm revising my novel (heavily) and trying to come up with a single-sentence pitch. Tell me how this works:

1. A disguised triton in Victorian London pursues his unsuspecting bride, to whom he is forbidden to reveal their past, lest she die.

2. Under an ancient curse, a triton must win the affections of the only person who might free them both, without exposing their shared history.

3. A triton masquerading as a human in Victorian London courts his unknowing bride, for whom revelation of their long history and the curse which imprisons them both means certain death.

Having a hard time coming up with alternative ways to explain it briefly, and hoping that contains enough to interest a prospective agent.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 10:51:16 AM by Catharina S »

Offline aao_1989

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Re: Paranormal Romance (I think...historical, fantasy, spec fic possible)
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2019, 11:26:45 AM »
I like #1. I think the use of the word "bride" reveals that there is some specific history between them. And it makes sense that he'd be masquerading as a human, which might be implied in the word "disguised"... maybe someone else doesn't draw the same conclusion, though. This first sentence provokes a lot of questions in my mind, like how and why... which definitely hooks me in. :)

#2 explains a little more of the how/why - (ancient curse, because she can free them both) - but I feel like it's not as flavorful (no mention of Victorian London), and while it explicitly states that they have shared history, there's no sort of hint as to what that might be. It could be that this "person" (not even gender specific) is actually the triton's arch nemesis. It also doesn't hint to as much amusing conflict (the idea of the triton being disguised or masquerading gives the story a mischief potential). :D

#3 is okay and I love the imagery in the first clause...but I feel like the whole sentence a bit long and twisty. I have a hard time maintaining a straight focus through reading it altogether.

Edit: just thought, maybe you can combine #1 and #3: A triton masquerading as a human in Victorian London courts his unsuspecting bride, to whom he is forbidden to reveal their past lest she die (I changed unknowing to unsuspecting because something about unknowing feels vague to me, even though my personal preferences aren't always the most reliable)

….edit 2 : that does make it longer than I expected, so maybe #1 is better altogether.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 11:33:02 AM by aao_1989 »

Offline Catharina S

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Re: Paranormal Romance (I think...historical, fantasy, spec fic possible)
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2019, 10:42:19 AM »
I like #1. I think the use of the word "bride" reveals that there is some specific history between them. And it makes sense that he'd be masquerading as a human, which might be implied in the word "disguised"... maybe someone else doesn't draw the same conclusion, though. This first sentence provokes a lot of questions in my mind, like how and why... which definitely hooks me in. :)

#2 explains a little more of the how/why - (ancient curse, because she can free them both) - but I feel like it's not as flavorful (no mention of Victorian London), and while it explicitly states that they have shared history, there's no sort of hint as to what that might be. It could be that this "person" (not even gender specific) is actually the triton's arch nemesis. It also doesn't hint to as much amusing conflict (the idea of the triton being disguised or masquerading gives the story a mischief potential). :D

#3 is okay and I love the imagery in the first clause...but I feel like the whole sentence a bit long and twisty. I have a hard time maintaining a straight focus through reading it altogether.

Edit: just thought, maybe you can combine #1 and #3: A triton masquerading as a human in Victorian London courts his unsuspecting bride, to whom he is forbidden to reveal their past lest she die (I changed unknowing to unsuspecting because something about unknowing feels vague to me, even though my personal preferences aren't always the most reliable)

….edit 2 : that does make it longer than I expected, so maybe #1 is better altogether.

Thanks for the input. I guess I have a hard time striking a balance between providing essential info and maintaining that "hook". Something to work on.