Author Topic: The Cure--YA SCI-FI  (Read 1074 times)

Offline katD

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The Cure--YA SCI-FI
« on: May 05, 2019, 04:02:39 PM »
I'd appreciate any thoughts on this.

Sixteen-year-old Miranda should have died of her disease, but is instead abducted and cured by a rogue organization of scientists. Confined inside a secret facility, she realizes that the scientists have inadvertently stripped the humanity from its victims, changing them into wild animal-like mutants. Now, she must help these beings rediscover their unique personalities even as she struggles to maintain a grip on her own identity.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: The Cure--YA SCI-FI
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2019, 02:00:08 PM »
Sixteen-year-old Miranda should have died of her disease, but is instead abducted and cured by a rogue organization of scientists.

This sentence doesn't read well because you say she should have died then the 'is instead abducted' is a tense change. It should be, in present tense, 'Miranda is about to die of her disease but when a rogue organization of scientists abducts her 'etc.

Confined inside a secret facility, ( I think you should start the pitch here, as being imprisoned is a good hook. Her having been about to die then being abducted isn't a hook to me ) she realizes that the scientists have inadvertently stripped the humanity from its victims, ( there's no need to say this in such a short pitch, when these words in themselves don't convey anything specific, and the specific description that follows 'stripped humanity' etc actually does explain it. You're doubling up and wasting words )  changing them into wild animal-like mutants. Now, she must help these beings rediscover their unique personalities even as she struggles to maintain a grip on her own identity. ( this is where the pitch goes pear shaped. 'help beings rediscover their unique personalities' isn't stakey, and neither is 'maintain her own identity.'. What is really going on here. Isn't she in dangers of losing her life somehow. Try to make it clear the degree of danger she is in.

Offline katD

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Re: The Cure--YA SCI-FI
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2019, 11:08:31 AM »
This is super helpful. Thank you!