Author Topic: Which is better? Compare 2 intro paragraphs for MG novel  (Read 1092 times)

Offline Jodic

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Which is better? Compare 2 intro paragraphs for MG novel
« on: May 22, 2019, 02:47:36 PM »
Hello All,

Just want a first impression as to which opener you prefer, A or B. Or maybe both need work!! Thanks in advance!

A.
For my twelfth birthday, I didn’t ask for anything crazy, like riding a coaster down Mount Everest. I wanted a gaming marathon with Dad. And a couple of deluxe burgers too, without Mom complaining about trans fat and sodium (a.k.a. flavor). What I got wasn’t even close.
   Instead, I hurtled north in a rusty station wagon to Finlayson Point Provincial Park. Birthday ‘guests’ flanked me on all sides. Mom rode shotgun while her best friend Naomi floored the gas pedal. Naomi’s daughter, Adanna, and her camping junk hogged most of the back seat. At least her basset hound, Cool Beans, offered friendly kisses from the rear.
   But even his slobbery affection couldn’t stop me from slipping into a coma of boredom. Five hours of staring a pine trees will do that to anyone. My stomach made a last ditch effort to stay awake.      
   “Mom, I need nourishment or I’ll perish,” I said.
   “Well, I hope this sandwich keeps you alive,” Mom said.

B.

For my twelfth birthday, I didn’t ask for anything crazy, like riding a coaster down Mount Everest. I wanted a gaming marathon with Dad. And a couple of deluxe burgers, without Mom complaining about trans fat and sodium (a.k.a. flavor). What I got wasn’t even close.
   Instead, I hurtled north in a rusty station wagon to Finlayson Point Provincial Park. Birthday ‘guests’ flanked me on all sides. Mom rode shotgun and her best friend Naomi floored the gas pedal. Naomi’s daughter, Adanna, and her camping junk hogged most of the back seat. At least her dog, Cool Beans, provided poochie kisses from the rear, a kind gesture.
   Still, I almost slipped into a coma of boredom after staring at pines for five hours.
   “Mom, I need nourishment or I’ll perish. Do you want that on your conscious?”
   “Stop being melodramatic. Here’s a sandwich,” Mom said.

Offline MsGretaGreen

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Re: Which is better? Compare 2 intro paragraphs for MG novel
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2019, 01:21:37 AM »
I definitely prefer Option B for:
  Instead, I hurtled north in a rusty station wagon to Finlayson Point Provincial Park. Birthday ‘guests’ flanked me on all sides. Mom rode shotgun and her best friend Naomi floored the gas pedal. Naomi’s daughter, Adanna, and her camping junk hogged most of the back seat. At least her dog, Cool Beans, provided poochie kisses from the rear, a kind gesture.
   Still, I almost slipped into a coma of boredom after staring at pines for five hours.

But I liked the dialogue in A:
 “Mom, I need nourishment or I’ll perish,” I said.
   “Well, I hope this sandwich keeps you alive,” Mom said.


Offline Jodic

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Re: Which is better? Compare 2 intro paragraphs for MG novel
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2019, 05:13:14 PM »
Thanks MsGretaGreen for your input!!

I appreciate you taking a peek!

 ;D

Offline redraider14

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Re: Which is better? Compare 2 intro paragraphs for MG novel
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2019, 06:47:13 PM »

   Instead, I hurtled north in a rusty station wagon to Finlayson Point Provincial Park. Birthday ‘guests’ flanked me on all sides. Mom rode shotgun and her best friend Naomi floored the gas pedal. Naomi’s daughter, Adanna, and her camping junk hogged most of the back seat. At least her dog, Cool Beans, provided poochie kisses from the rear, a kind gesture.

   “Stop being melodramatic. Here’s a sandwich,” Mom said.

It's a great scene. How about:

       Instead, I was headed north. A prisoner in the back seat of Naomi's rusty station wagon, I was pinned down by a bulge of camping junk and guarded by her dog's dripping slobber. The birthday guests were....