Author Topic: Israel Falls science fiction/fantasy  (Read 735 times)

Offline jjf3rd77

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Israel Falls science fiction/fantasy
« on: June 01, 2019, 11:54:40 PM »
Chapter One: The Trouble with Bob

An arrow with a big “W” etched on the side was launched from the top floor of Buckingham Palace, and within moments glided on top a glistening river between The Grand Canyon with ease, nicked a drowning polar bear in the neck, and whizzed past a Pharaoh’s face before finding its way smack into the desk leg belonging to the famous anti-time travel activist Robert Carpenter. He fumbled through the pages gathered on top of it as he wacked the arrow out of the way without even turning around. Blood trickled down from his back thigh as it bounced behind him, and splinters sprang up all over. Even though it had caused a mark, he was not exactly impressed with this latest assassination attempt. “They’re gonna have to try harder than that,” he mumbled to himself. Unnerved by his would-be attackers, he lit the hemp in a a peculiar-looking bald eagle shaped pipe to steady what little anxiety that might have risen in his system subconsciously. 

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Note: I'm very happy with how my first chapter is turning out after struggling with it for a long time. I'm still open to different time periods/places that the arrow can whiz past before reaching my character otherwise certain items, technology, and letters are in the novel throughout. I'm still editing the first five pages, and hope to post them this week.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2019, 12:20:06 AM by jjf3rd77 »

Offline greensoul

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Re: Israel Falls science fiction/fantasy
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2019, 10:29:20 AM »
I like it! :clap: But break up a couple of the sentences, so we don't miss anything. ;D

Offline dmdomosea

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Re: Israel Falls science fiction/fantasy
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2019, 09:43:36 PM »

Chapter One: The Trouble with Bob


An arrow with a big “W” etched on the side was launched from the top floor of Buckingham Palace, and within moments glided on top atop a glistening river between that snaked through The Grand Canyon with ease[glided infers with ease], nicked a drowning polar bear in the neck, and whizzed past a Pharaoh’s face before finding its way smack
into the desk leg belonging to the famous anti-time travel activist Robert Carpenter. [This last part feels like an odd way to introduce him, depending on the intend POV of the chapter/book. If it's 3rd person omni with a present narrator then it's probably fine. If it's 3rd person limited close, then this intro to the MC is distant and "telling".]


He fumbled through the pages gathered on top of it the desk [since the previous object was the desk leg, it's awkward to use the pronoun "it" here...] as he wacked the arrow out of the way without even turning around.[This sounds awkward to me. Would "absentmindedly wacked the arrow out of the way" still convey the same meaning?] Blood trickled down from the back of his back thigh as it bounced behind him, and splinters sprang up all over. Even though it had caused left a mark, he was not exactly impressed with this latest assassination attempt.


“They’re gonna have to try harder than that,” he mumbled to himself.[You can typically cut this unless he's surrounded by others. It seems like he's alone, so we'll assume he's saying it to himself. Plus, mumbling is usually indicative of this.] Unnerved by his would-be attackers, he lit the hemp in a peculiar-looking bald eagle shaped pipe to steady what little anxiety that might have risen in his system subconsciously. 




Assassins that shoot arrows at their targets through time and space?  Sign me up!  Sounds great, just needs a bit of tightening here and there. And I had issues with the formality of the character's introduction, but if you are going for a voicey narrator, it could work.

Offline HolyMac007

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Re: Israel Falls science fiction/fantasy
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2019, 04:34:11 PM »
Chapter One: The Trouble with Bob

An arrow with a big “W” etched on the side was launched from the top floor of Buckingham Palace, a big "W" etched on its side. and within Within seconds, it moments glided atop skimmed across the surface of the glistening Grand Canyon river between The Grand Canyon with ease, nicked a drowning polar bear in the neck, whizzed past a Pharaoh’s face before finding, and found its way smack into the desk leg of the desk belonging to the famous anti-time travel activist Robert Carpenter. He Without turning around, Robert had swiftly fumbled pushed his hand through the pages gathered on top of it the his desk as he and whacked wacked the arrow out of the way without even turning around. But as the arrow had bounced behind him, sending splinters everywhere, it had nicked him, causing blood to trickled down from his back thigh as it bounced behind him, and splinters sprang up all over. Even though it had caused the arrow had left a mark, he Robert was not exactly impressed unimpressed by with this latest assassination attempt. “They’re gonna have to try harder than that,” he mumbled to himself. Unnerved by his would-be attackers, But to steady any adrenaline-induced anxiety the attack may have caused, he lit the his hemp-filled in a a peculiar-looking bald eagle-shaped pipe to steady and sat back in his chair what little anxiety that might have risen in his system subconsciously


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I'm very happy with how my first chapter is turning out after struggling with it for a long time. I'm still open to different time periods/places that the arrow can whiz past before reaching my character otherwise certain items, technology, and letters are in the novel throughout. I'm still editing the first five pages, and hope to post them this week.

I'm still learning how to navigate this tool so please excuse any mishaps in my marking up of your post. I may have accidentally erased (instead of crossing out) some of your original text. I'll get better at this as I get used to things.

I really like the mood you've set... and the coolness of Robert's character. And the idea of an arrow sailing through the ages is really interesting... as is the idea of a time traveling duel. I just tried to clean up some wording to sharpen your great ideas... and shortened some of your sentences or split some of your longer ones. I changed or added tense... tense can be tough so keep an eye on it. Anyway, keep the creative juices flowing. I look forward to reading more. Cheers.

Also, I want to add that the direction of the arrow as it pertains to its coming into contact with Robert, is a little confusing... so I made some assumptions in the suggestions I made.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2019, 04:40:11 PM by HolyMac007 »