Author Topic: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA  (Read 985 times)

Offline JayS

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2019, 12:43:24 PM »
For what it’s worth, I like it.  I would even make it shorter by revising 1st paragraph:

“Her killer is still out there.  When she...”. This shortens the length of the long sentence.

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2019, 01:06:55 PM »
Good call, JayS!

Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. Her spirit is vengeful. Her killer is still out there. When she is suddenly summoned by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

However, hunting down her murderer becomes nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days. Tormented by visions of her death, she and Sebastian will walk the fine line between the living and dead to discover the dark truth. But as memories of her brutal death emerge, Diane and Sebastian discover that the killer didn't stop with her and that the body count is continuing to grow.

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.

Offline TigerAsh

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2019, 06:55:41 PM »
Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer on the loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. Her spirit is vengeful. Her killer is still out there [I don't think this flows well. Also, saying "Her killer is still out there" is repetitive, since you already said there's a cannibal killer on the loose.] and when she is suddenly summoned by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

However, hunting down her murderer becomes nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days. Tormented by visions of her death, she and Sebastian will walk the fine line between the living and dead to discover the dark truth. [Not sure what this means.] But as memories of her brutal death emerge,[This sounds repetitive, since you already said "Tormented by visions of her death."] Diane and Sebastian discover that the killer didn't stop with her and that the body count is continuing to grow. [I think the ending sentence could be stronger.]

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.

Maybe it's just me but I feel that this version of the query is too short. What do you guys think? I've got the plot, the main characters, and the threat (serial killer still killing after twenty-years). But it feels short.


This version of your query letter seems more repetitive in spots than previous versions. Also, I felt the that second paragraph is too vague; you should try to be more specific about what makes your story unique, and try to build up the tension and suspense a bit more.

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2019, 10:52:33 PM »
Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. When she is suddenly summoned from her limbo afterlife by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

However, hunting down her murderer becomes nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days or interact with the living. Tormented by visions of her demise, she and Sebastian will investigate her life and death to discover the truth of what happened to her that fall night. As memories and evidence emerge, they discover that the killer didn't stop with Diane and that the body count is continuing to grow. But after the latest corpse is uncovered, Sebastian disappears - just like Diane did before she was murdered. Without her tie to the living world, it's up to Diane to solve her own cold case and save Sebastian before he suffers the same grisly fate.

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVEL BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.


HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.

Offline klclou

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2019, 08:30:33 AM »
I like your query and the plot of your novel. Very interesting. I thought of the Lovely Bones immediately. My suggestions (and only suggestions) are below:

Quote
Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. When she is suddenly summoned from her limbo afterlife by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who ate her. turned her into a meal.

However, But hunting down her murderer becomes is nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days or interact with the living those she knew before. Tormented by visions flashbacks of her demise last mortal moments, she and Sebastian will investigate her life and death to uncover the truth ofwhat happened to her that dark fall night. As memories and evidence emerge, they learn discover that the frequency of the killer's activity has only escalated since Diane's brutal death didn't stop with Diane and that the body count is continuing to grow. After the latest corpse is discovered, Sebastian disappears - just like Diane did just before she was murdered. Without her tie to the living world missing, it's up to Diane to solve her own cold case and save rescue Sebastian before he suffers the same grisly fate.

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2019, 08:32:32 AM by klclou »

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2019, 09:21:45 AM »
Those are GREAT edits. I salute you sir or mam!

Slightly torn on getting rid of 'who turned her into a meal'. I do see that it may be too...comical (this is just my own opinion) but it 'ate her' sounds grim. There's not really a good way to say someone ate someone else, is there?

Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. When she is suddenly summoned from her limbo afterlife by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who ate her.

But hunting down her murderer is nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days or interact with the living. Tormented by flashbacks of her demise, she and Sebastian investigate her life and death to uncover what happened that dark fall night. As memories and evidence emerge, they learn that the killer has only escalated since Diane's brutal death. After the latest corpse is discovered, Sebastian disappears - like Diane did just before she was murdered. With her tie to the living world missing, it's up to Diane to solve her own cold case and save Sebastian before he suffers the same grisly fate.

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.

Offline JayS

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #21 on: September 01, 2019, 12:11:14 PM »

Those are GREAT edits. I salute you sir or mam!

Slightly torn on getting rid of 'who turned her into a meal'. I do see that it may be too...comical (this is just my own opinion) but it 'ate her' sounds grim. There's not really a good way to say someone ate someone else, is there?

Dear X,

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart, the thirteenth victim. When she is suddenly summoned from her limbo afterlife by Sebastian Scull, a paranormal investigator, Diane has only one thought on her mind: kill the bastard who ate her.  (If you’re on the fence, one vote for “turned her into a meal.”)

But hunting down her murderer is nearly impossible when Diane can't fully recall her last days or interact with the living. Tormented by flashbacks of her demise, she and Sebastian investigate her life and death to uncover what happened that dark fall night. As memories and evidence emerge, they learn that the killer has only escalated killing has continued since Diane's brutal death. After the latest corpse is discovered, Sebastian disappears - like Diane did just before she was murdered. With her tie to the living world missing, it's up to Diane to solve her own cold case and save Sebastian before he suffers the same grisly fate.

HART & SCULL is a paranormal novel complete at 65,000 words. It's THE LOVELY BONES meets THE MADNESS UNDERNEATH. I am a (usual spiel about myself). Thank you for your time and consideration.


Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #22 on: September 01, 2019, 01:41:02 PM »
Man, I really do like 'turned her into a meal'.

Does anyone see any issues with the query plot wise or formatting?

Offline klclou

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #23 on: September 04, 2019, 04:00:11 AM »
If you like it stick with it. I read your twitter query after I suggested the above and preferred 'turned her into a meal' there.