Author Topic: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA  (Read 422 times)

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:19:07 PM »
This is my pitch for the next PitMad event. I feel it gets the basic plot across.

There’s a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart – the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is restless and vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal. 

Offline dmdomosea

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2019, 09:54:13 PM »
Nice!  Succint and intriguing!

Offline Munley

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2019, 05:22:25 PM »


There’s a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart – the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is restless and vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

I like it, but suggest the cross-out above. "Restless" sounds like aimless, unfocused, unwelcome energy. "Vengeful" sounds purposeful, menacing. No-nonsense.

The drumbeat feel of the whole is weakened by having a this and a that in this sentence. Pick one.

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2019, 12:45:39 PM »
Kinda torn between either 'restless' and 'vengeful'. Without bogging down on details, Diane's death has made it hard for her to focus which is why I chose 'restless' but I definitely see that vengeful is more becoming to the story and plot. Thanks!

Offline Mentha piperita

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2019, 02:14:46 PM »
This sounds great! The specific detail of "thirteenth" tripped me up a bit. If that number really matters we don't find out why.

Take this with a grain of salt, but some PitMad guidelines ask for avoiding multiple lines because it clogs things up. I personally like this flow, though.

I definitely vote for "vengeful", btw.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2019, 05:15:07 PM by Mentha piperita »

Offline SincerelySinclair

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Re: Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2019, 06:28:03 PM »
And vengeful is the winner! Here's the final take.

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart - the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.