Hart & Scull - Paranormal Fantasy NA

[SincerelySinclair]

This is my pitch for the next PitMad event. I feel it gets the basic plot across.

There’s a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart – the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is restless and vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal. 

[dmdomosea]

Nice!  Succint and intriguing!

[Munley]

There’s a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart – the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is restless and vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

I like it, but suggest the cross-out above. "Restless" sounds like aimless, unfocused, unwelcome energy. "Vengeful" sounds purposeful, menacing. No-nonsense.

The drumbeat feel of the whole is weakened by having a this and a that in this sentence. Pick one.

[SincerelySinclair]

Kinda torn between either 'restless' and 'vengeful'. Without bogging down on details, Diane's death has made it hard for her to focus which is why I chose 'restless' but I definitely see that vengeful is more becoming to the story and plot. Thanks!

[Mentha piperita]

This sounds great! The specific detail of "thirteenth" tripped me up a bit. If that number really matters we don't find out why.

Take this with a grain of salt, but some PitMad guidelines ask for avoiding multiple lines because it clogs things up. I personally like this flow, though.

I definitely vote for "vengeful", btw.

[SincerelySinclair]

And vengeful is the winner! Here's the final take.

There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart - the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is vengeful.

Her killer is still out there.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

[stevenmnedeau]

Nice!  Succint and intriguing!

I know I'm coming late to the game here. I just wanted to make a suggestion.

The line "Her killer is still out there." isn't needed.  The first line let us know the killer is still on the loose.

I see this as being a tighter pitch.


There's a cannibal killer loose in Oregon and no one knows this better than Diane Hart - the thirteenth victim.

Her spirit is vengeful.

Her goal? Kill the bastard who turned her into a meal.

[greensoul]

When you say her "spirit" is vengeful, it could be interpreted as though you're speaking about her attitude and not that you're referring to her as a ghost.