Author Topic: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure - Echoes In The Fire  (Read 93 times)

Offline Alrune

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 27
  • Karma: 3
Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure - Echoes In The Fire
« on: July 14, 2019, 01:20:15 AM »
I've tried this a few different ways. The whole approach was wrong. It didn't say it the way I want it to. I think the best way to do this is how I would try to sell it with text on the back of the book. This is closer to what I'm looking for, but I still have a lot of room to grow.
_____________

This is a story about a girl named Rain.

I could tell you about a world called Ember. Not even a planet. A small moon. Home of the eight peoples. Eight races, as different from each other as the breeds of dogs you know on earth.

I can tell you about Dawnwatch. A country led by an immortal queen for over a thousand years. About the war that started with the killing of her husband, and the path of revenge her only son -Prince Jaris - starts down to find and kill the Pirate King who murdered his father.

I can tell you about magic. So dangerous and feared it is banned in all the civilized places on Ember. So powerful, it is only claimed by those desperate enough to need it, those bold enough to use it, or the few cursed to carry it forever.

But this story isn’t about all that. It’s about Rain.

A hybrid of the races and an outsider even in her own home.

A girl who goes on to wield great power, without ever wanting it.

A girl who becomes the conscience of a nation, without knowing it.

A girl who changes the fate of her world, and would deny it.

It’s about the making of a hero. One of the greatest Ember will ever know.

______________

Echoes in the Fire by **** ****, is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled 'The War of the Forgotten Prince'.

Online Pineapplejuice

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 551
  • Karma: 114
Re: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure - Echoes In The Fire
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2019, 04:06:45 AM »


This is a story about a girl named Rain.
This is a bad idea because apart from the name , this could be the beginning of any story or query - which is why queries don't start with  'This is a story about a girl named ____"

I could tell you about a world called Ember. Not even a planet. A small moon. Home of the eight peoples. Eight races, as different from each other as the breeds of dogs you know on earth.

I can tell you about Dawnwatch. A country led by an immortal queen for over a thousand years. About the war that started with the killing of her husband, and the path of revenge her only son -Prince Jaris - starts down to find and kill the Pirate King who murdered his father.

I can tell you about magic. So dangerous and feared it is banned in all the civilized places on Ember. So powerful, it is only claimed by those desperate enough to need it, those bold enough to use it, or the few cursed to carry it forever.

But this story isn’t about all that. It’s about Rain. ( You've already said that. )

A hybrid of the races and an outsider even in her own home. ( Why is she an outsider? )

A girl who goes on to wield great power, without ever wanting it.

A girl who becomes the conscience of a nation, without knowing it. ( How did she do that without knowing it...what is 'that' exactly? )

A girl who changes the fate of her world, and would deny it. ( What was the fate? What was the change? )

It’s about the making of a hero. One of the greatest Ember will ever know.



______________

Echoes in the Fire by **** ****, is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled 'The War of the Forgotten Prince'.


I love the name of your MC!  ;D

With the query though, I know nothing about the plot, and nothing about your character apart from her name and she is special somehow with big powers. ( And unfortunately that is an extremely common trope in fantasy, so it doesn't make your story sound unique. )

I know it can feel right to experiment but agents are often quick to judge and delete queries that don't stick to a professional formula that shows, even in it's shape, that the author has researched how to write a query letter.

The most important thing to get across in the synopsis paragraphs is Who is the MC? What do they want? How do they try to get it? What gets in their way? What happens if they don't achieve their goal?

This  = stakes and is what is exciting for the reader and it is what will get an agent to request pages or look at your provided sample pages

Agents get a hundred queries a week sometimes. You're more likely to have your query read if yours looks professional and stands out because of the interesting plot. But as your query is at the moment, the plot is extremely vague and hard to pin down.

To fresh eyes , this query is hard to understand.

Offline TigerAsh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 344
  • Karma: 78
Re: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure - Echoes In The Fire
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 04:02:42 PM »


This is a story about a girl named Rain.
This is a bad idea because apart from the name , this could be the beginning of any story or query - which is why queries don't start with  'This is a story about a girl named ____"

I could tell you about a world called Ember. Not even a planet. A small moon. Home of the eight peoples. Eight races, as different from each other as the breeds of dogs you know on earth.

I can tell you about Dawnwatch. A country led by an immortal queen for over a thousand years. About the war that started with the killing of her husband, and the path of revenge her only son -Prince Jaris - starts down to find and kill the Pirate King who murdered his father.

I can tell you about magic. So dangerous and feared it is banned in all the civilized places on Ember. So powerful, it is only claimed by those desperate enough to need it, those bold enough to use it, or the few cursed to carry it forever.

But this story isn’t about all that. It’s about Rain. ( You've already said that. )

A hybrid of the races and an outsider even in her own home. ( Why is she an outsider? )

A girl who goes on to wield great power, without ever wanting it.

A girl who becomes the conscience of a nation, without knowing it. ( How did she do that without knowing it...what is 'that' exactly? )

A girl who changes the fate of her world, and would deny it. ( What was the fate? What was the change? )

It’s about the making of a hero. One of the greatest Ember will ever know.



______________

Echoes in the Fire by **** ****, is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled 'The War of the Forgotten Prince'.


I love the name of your MC!  ;D

With the query though, I know nothing about the plot, and nothing about your character apart from her name and she is special somehow with big powers. ( And unfortunately that is an extremely common trope in fantasy, so it doesn't make your story sound unique. )

I know it can feel right to experiment but agents are often quick to judge and delete queries that don't stick to a professional formula that shows, even in it's shape, that the author has researched how to write a query letter.

The most important thing to get across in the synopsis paragraphs is Who is the MC? What do they want? How do they try to get it? What gets in their way? What happens if they don't achieve their goal?

This  = stakes and is what is exciting for the reader and it is what will get an agent to request pages or look at your provided sample pages

Agents get a hundred queries a week sometimes. You're more likely to have your query read if yours looks professional and stands out because of the interesting plot. But as your query is at the moment, the plot is extremely vague and hard to pin down.

To fresh eyes , this query is hard to understand.



 :agree:

Offline dmdomosea

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 24
  • Karma: 1
Re: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure - Echoes In The Fire
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 11:13:25 AM »
I agree with the other posters--they've made some great comments.  And I love the tone of the query--sounds dark and compelling!

I applaud the attempt to make the query stand out with an unique format and teasing out intriguing details, but agents are generally so overwhelmed with sheer volume of queries, they don't have time to try to piece together the elements of your story to get the whole picture. What you want is to show them your story is unique and intriguing through clear, concise and powerful language in a format they can easily scan (i.e., one they are used to.) As is, this is really just a set of bullet points that list interesting facts about your novel, but the conflict that pulls Rain through the story and causes her to embrace/use magic is missing. Your hook and character should be doing the work for you, not the query style.

Some specific notes:

-- I agree about removing the first statement. It's not overly compelling and just plain and factual.

-- Remove details that aren't absolutely essential, like explaining Ember's size or the comparison of its inhabitants to breeds of dogs (which may not go over well with many agents . . . can you describe them as warring factions or something like that?)

-- I find the immortal queen interesting, but you mention her son, Prince Jaris, by name, which means he should be important to the plot somehow. If that's the case, he should be wrapped up in Rain's struggles (will he fight against her or help her?) That needs to be mentioned!

-- Saying "but this story isn't about that" basically tells the agent that none of those above items were really important and may make them wonder if you've just wasted their time. Instead, weave those elements into the characterization, confict, stake and consequences of your story so you SHOW why they are important and give a sense of tone.