Author Topic: The California Displacement  (Read 71 times)

Offline jjf3rd77

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The California Displacement
« on: August 11, 2019, 06:27:55 PM »
Here's a query of something I've been working on for the past few months... It started with the first sentence and just kinda evolved into this...

Dear Agent,

After the 1% and everyone over fifty-five suddenly vanishes in the blink of an eye, millennials were able to rebuild the country in their image. Through three chaotic Presidencies in two years, crisis manager, Allison Henry navigates this new world where 30 is the new 60 by burying herself in her work for the White House, ignoring her relationship and the fact that no one seems to own pets anymore. Refusing to deal with personal loss and any real-world impact the unexplained phenomenon had outside her job duties. Allison only wakes up when her boyfriend Charlie Wilson is violently attacked in a coffee shop and later tortured to death for information by a mysterious cult. 

The clues about who these people are and what they wanted Charlie for lead her to a four-legged link in her father’s mysterious past. All she knew of her father before the phenomenon was that he lived in a top-secret research station on California’s San Andreas Fault with a dog named Butch, and what she finds there will turn everything humans thought they knew about reality upside down. Something strange is in the air, and it seems only the animals can sense it in The California Displacement a XXXX word psychological thriller where the natural and supernatural seems to collide. 
« Last Edit: August 11, 2019, 06:52:13 PM by jjf3rd77 »

Offline AlisonFaith1212

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Re: The California Displacement
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2019, 02:27:34 PM »
After the 1% and everyone over fifty-five suddenly vanishes in the blink of an eye, millennials were able to rebuild the country in their image. Redbuild how? I'm not sure what you mean by this. Through three chaotic Presidencies in two years, crisis manager, Allison Henry navigates this new world where 30 is the new 60 by burying herself in her work for the White House, ignoring her relationship and the fact that no one seems to own pets anymore. Refusing to deal with personal lossWhat personal loss? Maybe be specific here because I don't know what you're referring to and it could be a lot more powerful if we knew precisely what she was dealing with and any real-world impact the unexplained phenomenon had outside her job duties. Allison only wakes up when her boyfriend Charlie Wilson is violently attacked in a coffee shop and later tortured to death for information by a mysterious cult. This cult came out of nowhere and doesn't tie into the rest.

The clues about who these people are and what they wanted Charlie for lead her to a four-legged link A four-legged link? That's confusing to me.  in her father’s mysterious past. All she knew of her father before the phenomenon was that he lived in a top-secret research station on California’s San Andreas Fault with a dog named Butch, and what she finds there will turn everything humans thought they knew about reality upside down. Reality upside down is cliche and doesn't really tell me anything. Try to be more specific. Something strange is in the air, and it seems only the animals can sense it in The California Displacement a XXXX word psychological thriller where the natural and supernatural seems to collide. 


I hope you found my comments helpful!

Offline skmwrites

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Re: The California Displacement
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2019, 12:53:52 PM »
This is tiny, but jumped out to me: using a generational term such as "millennials" immediately dates the material. Unless your goal is to make the novel feel very "of the time," with contemporary references and such important to the plot, I'd recommend broadening it. Just say "Young people," or "the young survivors."

Offline Mentha piperita

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Re: The California Displacement
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2019, 11:27:49 PM »
Hi Jjf3rd77,

I'm very new to this, FYI.I agree with most of what AlisonFaith1212 said, but here are some additional thoughts.


After the 1% and everyone over fifty-five suddenly redundantvanishes in the blink of an eye, millennials were able to rebuild the country in their image. Through three chaotic Presidencies in two years, crisis manager, Allison Henry navigates this new world where 30 is the new 60 by burying herself in her work for the White House, ignoring her relationship and the fact that no one seems to own pets anymore she's ignoring the fact no one seems to own pets anymore and that's helping her navigate the new world? That doesn't seem quite right, but that's how it reads. Refusing to deal with personal loss and any real-world impact the unexplained phenomenon had outside her job dutiessentence fragment. Allison only wakes up when her boyfriend, Charlie Wilson, is violently attacked in a coffee shop and later tortured to death for information by a mysterious cult.

The clues about who these people are and what they wanted Charlie for lead her to a four-legged link in her father’s mysterious past. All she knew of her father before the phenomenon was that he lived in a top-secret research station on California’s San Andreas Fault with a dog named Butch, and what she finds there will turn everything humans thought they knew about reality upside down. Something strange is in the air, and it seems only the animals can sense it in The California Displacementseems to be in vogue to capitalize the entire title name a XXXX word psychological thriller where the natural and supernatural seems committo collide. 

Sounds interesting! Other than the line edit comments, I'd be more explicit with the pet thing earlier on. You mentioned "no one seems to own pets," but it seems a little out of place where it is and it seems like a fairly significant part of the plot that really changes the tone of the novel towards the end of your query.