Author Topic: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2  (Read 328 times)

Offline JayS

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2019, 12:20:25 PM »
Typo in 1st paragraph, “that.,”

Missing space in last paragraph, “forcesV2.0”

2nd paragraph may need some work.  If V2.0 results from knowledge learned from the 1st half of the message to project a wormhole anywhere, then maybe it could said more clearly instead of saying “the message becomes V2.0.”

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2019, 02:04:39 PM »
[quote author=paddler link=topic=23801.msg267705#msg267705

Dear Prudence

Justin Thomas thinks the world needs something to show that the 21st century can be a better place for humanity. ( This feels wordy. ' a better place' feels vague. If you mean he is focussed on the environment maybe say that  more directly ) His company’s wormhole transportation can do that., break the cycle of fossil fuel dependence. The grand opening of the first two connected stations goes spectacularly, even if the nearly instantaneous 250-mile trip is somewhat less than momentous.


There are certain basic facts missing because of the wording. I don't know if you mean Justin owns the company or works there , but if he works there as an inventor - what is his title? Etc. I think you could be more specific with that stuff without it using too many words.

Then Amanda Frost, Justin’s protégé, says she has received a message while passing through the wormhole. It worries him, but she tries to downplay it. Half of the message becomes Version 2.0 of the wormhole. ( I don't understand how a message can become a wormhole . Tbh I'm still not sure what a wormhole is ) Instead of needing a station to pitch it ( I didn't know what you meant by 'pitch' . I think try to use equivalent words that most people would understand - not your books terminologies ) and another to catch it, Version 2.0 can accurately project the wormhole anywhere. The other half is a possible request for help from an Alien Civilization.

( I think it's too confusing putting it as two halves of a message. That makes little sense to me but I'm not sure you can waste words explaining it. Can't you convey the same points without saying the half a message stuff? Like the wormhole opens another wormhole and also they get messages from aliens? I know that's not exactly how it is worded in your book but it's the same point getting across in a way that won't use terms to confuse us )

The upgraded wormhole doesn’t worry Justin, it downright scares him. ( I know you're trying to be voicey here and it is but it's too indirect and confusing. Can't you just say 'the upgraded wormhole terrifies Justin'. Having said that I think it's more important explaining what about the wormhole is terrifying than saying THAT the wormhole is terrifying ) Being able to brush away any logistical problem could be a godsend. ( Here you assume we know what you're referring to. I had to stop and think and still am not sure what you mean . I assume you mean the wormhole will help some kind of problem but 'logistical' is vague compared to 'saves time commuting' etc) It could also be a demon if used the wrong way. A terrorist attack with global implications forcesV2.0 into the public eye. ( I"m not sure how a terrorist attack does this ) Military people worldwide see an incredibly powerful weapon. Justin refuses any offer to sell it. When his own President sends the military to take the technology, his entire company must go on the run. Justin is even less willing to let V2.0 fall into any other hands. ( You've already said this about it falling into wrong hands, in different words, not sure why you're saying it again. Less willing than what? Not sure what you mean  ) Then Amanda receives another message, an address, 225 million light years from Earth. ( This is still tacked on the end here as if we are supposed to know what you're insinuating. By this time with all the terrorist stuff I've forgotten about the message and now the bit at the end is meaningless. )

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration
[/quote]


I think you need to let go of some of the wording you've kept as it's holding you back from experimenting.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2019, 02:19:47 PM by Pineapplejuice »

Offline Munley

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #17 on: September 11, 2019, 11:25:41 PM »
Can you explain what the "two stations" are that people can travel between instantaneously. I like the idea that they can do it without leaving any carbon footprint.

Are these stations like some sort of space stations with laboratories, etc., except that they are on Earth?

Or are they simply stations as the equivalent of bus stations or subway stops or train stations, whose sole function is where people get on and off to go to work or go visiting. Nothing like a science center or laboratory?

If they are just like a train station, what is the great promise Justin sees in that? What does he picture people doing with that advantage. How, exactly, does he envision his wormhole invention "making the world a better place"?

Although the threat of competing governments for military schemes may sound to you like a sufficient reason to sympathize with Justin's alarm, it isn't enough to me, as a reader, to understand what dream of Justin's would be trampled underfoot, if the wormhole got used for military purposes. Any sort of technology can be perverted to some far less noble purpose, some horrible use. How tragic it feels depends on knowing what noble purpose the originator had in mind.

Here is an example from an experience I had:

I once presented an organization I belonged to with detailed information on the many toxins in today's synthetic fragrance formulas. I was partly distressed by driven out of meetings by colognes that contain the same industrial solvents as paints and glues. They are serious asthma triggers and sinus swellers for many people. Dryer sheets and scented detergent spewing out into the air are toxic to breathe, toxic to wear. So families should think twice about dressing their kids in those chemicals. My purpose was to get people to think carefully about the chemicals they slather themselves with daily, or put into the air.

So what do I get back? A thank-you note from one member for my helpful information, which inspired her to direct her toxic dryer sheet exhaust to a place where she didn't want birds to nest. Found a couple of dead ones. And she thanked me for it! I was utterly pissed and disgusted to receive this note.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2019, 02:39:14 PM »
Here is an example from an experience I had:

I once presented an organization I belonged to with detailed information on the many toxins in today's synthetic fragrance formulas. I was partly distressed by driven out of meetings by colognes that contain the same industrial solvents as paints and glues. They are serious asthma triggers and sinus swellers for many people. Dryer sheets and scented detergent spewing out into the air are toxic to breathe, toxic to wear. So families should think twice about dressing their kids in those chemicals. My purpose was to get people to think carefully about the chemicals they slather themselves with daily, or put into the air.

So what do I get back? A thank-you note from one member for my helpful information, which inspired her to direct her toxic dryer sheet exhaust to a place where she didn't want birds to nest.  :sad2: Found a couple of dead ones.  :rant: And she thanked me for it! I was utterly pissed and disgusted to receive this note.

I ..hate that woman about the birdes!

Not about query but just wanted to say I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and the overload of synthetic fragrances is just beyond a joke. I had to wash my cotton jacket a week after washing it because the spray deodorant of people on the bus transferred to it.

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2019, 03:23:31 PM »
Thanks Pineapplejuice and Munley.

I spent fourteen years in the environmental business. Tested everything from clean rooms to wastewater treatment facilities. I was also to favored field person by our State Environmental people. That got digging in Superfund sites and other very contaminated places. That was before my hobby of designing canoes, kayaks, and SUPS became a business.

My skin rebelled and went apeschnit. Now I have to use free and clear laundry soap, Vanicream body soap and Free and Clear shampoo. Synthetic fragrances occasionally drive me from restaurants and stores.


Even though I know that a query is a query, some concepts in sci-fi are different than children's books. I hope y'all can get past some of them.

Comments greatly appreciated.


Dear Prudence

Out of all of the inventions Justin Thomas and his companies have developed the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee says that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole technology, the second is plea for help from someone, maybe even and Alien Civilization.

Not knowing any way to help the message sender, they bring the upgrade to fruition. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it delivering people and materials out of the ether onto one of the most restricted places on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message, an address 256 million light years away.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 03:29:45 PM by paddler »

Offline Marysia

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2019, 09:40:07 PM »
Hi paddler, you had me at "I starting to think my baby is so ugly...."  ;D Even though I don't think it was ugly at all! You've shown great perseverance in the many rewrites of this query, more than I would have the motivation to crank out. :up:

Dear Prudence

Out of all of the inventions Justin Thomas and his companies have developedcomma here for the pause the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee bookend the nonessential element with another commasays that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole technology, semicolonthe second is plea for help from someone, consider a double dash to make the impact stronger. "an alien civilization" (also, does it need to be capitalized?)maybe even and Alien Civilization.

Not knowing any way to help the message sender, they bring the upgrade wait...what upgrade? Maybe just say that they upgrade the wormhole/tech? to fruition. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it the wormhole?delivering people and materials out of the ether onto one of the most restricted places on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message,again, consider a double dash for impact--especially if you didn't use one earlier. In fact, here might be an ideal placement for it. :) an address 256 million light years away.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction Comp titles? Bio? I write SF/F too, and I love nothing better than alien stories (preferably not the bellicose Hollywood insectoid types). Color me excited for your premise.  :yes:

P.S. I laughed so hard over "I starting to think that my baby is so ugly" because that's exactly what I've been thinking of mine. XD I know, I know, I just posted yesterday. Patience is needed, and I must pay my dues by giving out many more critiques.  :yes:
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 09:42:16 PM by Marysia »

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2019, 03:11:17 PM »
Thank you Marysia. I have not yet found any comps that are suitable and I am considering no bio to save words for the body of the query.

Speaking of that, have I smoothed the speed bumps enough that it doesn't bounce you off the road?

Just little nits?

Dear Prudence

Of all of the inventions Justin Thomas has developed, the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee, says that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole; the second is plea for help from someone--maybe even an alien civilization.

They work to see if the upgrade to the wormhole works, not knowing any way to help the message sender. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it delivering people and materials out of the ether onto the most restricted place on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message, an address 256 million light years away and they know what the wormhole upgrade is for.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration