Author Topic: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2  (Read 3077 times)

Offline JayS

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2019, 12:20:25 PM »
Typo in 1st paragraph, “that.,”

Missing space in last paragraph, “forcesV2.0”

2nd paragraph may need some work.  If V2.0 results from knowledge learned from the 1st half of the message to project a wormhole anywhere, then maybe it could said more clearly instead of saying “the message becomes V2.0.”

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2019, 02:04:39 PM »
[quote author=paddler link=topic=23801.msg267705#msg267705

Dear Prudence

Justin Thomas thinks the world needs something to show that the 21st century can be a better place for humanity. ( This feels wordy. ' a better place' feels vague. If you mean he is focussed on the environment maybe say that  more directly ) His company’s wormhole transportation can do that., break the cycle of fossil fuel dependence. The grand opening of the first two connected stations goes spectacularly, even if the nearly instantaneous 250-mile trip is somewhat less than momentous.


There are certain basic facts missing because of the wording. I don't know if you mean Justin owns the company or works there , but if he works there as an inventor - what is his title? Etc. I think you could be more specific with that stuff without it using too many words.

Then Amanda Frost, Justin’s protégé, says she has received a message while passing through the wormhole. It worries him, but she tries to downplay it. Half of the message becomes Version 2.0 of the wormhole. ( I don't understand how a message can become a wormhole . Tbh I'm still not sure what a wormhole is ) Instead of needing a station to pitch it ( I didn't know what you meant by 'pitch' . I think try to use equivalent words that most people would understand - not your books terminologies ) and another to catch it, Version 2.0 can accurately project the wormhole anywhere. The other half is a possible request for help from an Alien Civilization.

( I think it's too confusing putting it as two halves of a message. That makes little sense to me but I'm not sure you can waste words explaining it. Can't you convey the same points without saying the half a message stuff? Like the wormhole opens another wormhole and also they get messages from aliens? I know that's not exactly how it is worded in your book but it's the same point getting across in a way that won't use terms to confuse us )

The upgraded wormhole doesn’t worry Justin, it downright scares him. ( I know you're trying to be voicey here and it is but it's too indirect and confusing. Can't you just say 'the upgraded wormhole terrifies Justin'. Having said that I think it's more important explaining what about the wormhole is terrifying than saying THAT the wormhole is terrifying ) Being able to brush away any logistical problem could be a godsend. ( Here you assume we know what you're referring to. I had to stop and think and still am not sure what you mean . I assume you mean the wormhole will help some kind of problem but 'logistical' is vague compared to 'saves time commuting' etc) It could also be a demon if used the wrong way. A terrorist attack with global implications forcesV2.0 into the public eye. ( I"m not sure how a terrorist attack does this ) Military people worldwide see an incredibly powerful weapon. Justin refuses any offer to sell it. When his own President sends the military to take the technology, his entire company must go on the run. Justin is even less willing to let V2.0 fall into any other hands. ( You've already said this about it falling into wrong hands, in different words, not sure why you're saying it again. Less willing than what? Not sure what you mean  ) Then Amanda receives another message, an address, 225 million light years from Earth. ( This is still tacked on the end here as if we are supposed to know what you're insinuating. By this time with all the terrorist stuff I've forgotten about the message and now the bit at the end is meaningless. )

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration
[/quote]


I think you need to let go of some of the wording you've kept as it's holding you back from experimenting.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2019, 02:19:47 PM by Pineapplejuice »

Offline Munley

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #17 on: September 11, 2019, 11:25:41 PM »
Can you explain what the "two stations" are that people can travel between instantaneously. I like the idea that they can do it without leaving any carbon footprint.

Are these stations like some sort of space stations with laboratories, etc., except that they are on Earth?

Or are they simply stations as the equivalent of bus stations or subway stops or train stations, whose sole function is where people get on and off to go to work or go visiting. Nothing like a science center or laboratory?

If they are just like a train station, what is the great promise Justin sees in that? What does he picture people doing with that advantage. How, exactly, does he envision his wormhole invention "making the world a better place"?

Although the threat of competing governments for military schemes may sound to you like a sufficient reason to sympathize with Justin's alarm, it isn't enough to me, as a reader, to understand what dream of Justin's would be trampled underfoot, if the wormhole got used for military purposes. Any sort of technology can be perverted to some far less noble purpose, some horrible use. How tragic it feels depends on knowing what noble purpose the originator had in mind.

Here is an example from an experience I had:

I once presented an organization I belonged to with detailed information on the many toxins in today's synthetic fragrance formulas. I was partly distressed by driven out of meetings by colognes that contain the same industrial solvents as paints and glues. They are serious asthma triggers and sinus swellers for many people. Dryer sheets and scented detergent spewing out into the air are toxic to breathe, toxic to wear. So families should think twice about dressing their kids in those chemicals. My purpose was to get people to think carefully about the chemicals they slather themselves with daily, or put into the air.

So what do I get back? A thank-you note from one member for my helpful information, which inspired her to direct her toxic dryer sheet exhaust to a place where she didn't want birds to nest. Found a couple of dead ones. And she thanked me for it! I was utterly pissed and disgusted to receive this note.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2019, 02:39:14 PM »
Here is an example from an experience I had:

I once presented an organization I belonged to with detailed information on the many toxins in today's synthetic fragrance formulas. I was partly distressed by driven out of meetings by colognes that contain the same industrial solvents as paints and glues. They are serious asthma triggers and sinus swellers for many people. Dryer sheets and scented detergent spewing out into the air are toxic to breathe, toxic to wear. So families should think twice about dressing their kids in those chemicals. My purpose was to get people to think carefully about the chemicals they slather themselves with daily, or put into the air.

So what do I get back? A thank-you note from one member for my helpful information, which inspired her to direct her toxic dryer sheet exhaust to a place where she didn't want birds to nest.  :sad2: Found a couple of dead ones.  :rant: And she thanked me for it! I was utterly pissed and disgusted to receive this note.

I ..hate that woman about the birdes!

Not about query but just wanted to say I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and the overload of synthetic fragrances is just beyond a joke. I had to wash my cotton jacket a week after washing it because the spray deodorant of people on the bus transferred to it.

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2019, 03:23:31 PM »
Thanks Pineapplejuice and Munley.

I spent fourteen years in the environmental business. Tested everything from clean rooms to wastewater treatment facilities. I was also to favored field person by our State Environmental people. That got digging in Superfund sites and other very contaminated places. That was before my hobby of designing canoes, kayaks, and SUPS became a business.

My skin rebelled and went apeschnit. Now I have to use free and clear laundry soap, Vanicream body soap and Free and Clear shampoo. Synthetic fragrances occasionally drive me from restaurants and stores.


Even though I know that a query is a query, some concepts in sci-fi are different than children's books. I hope y'all can get past some of them.

Comments greatly appreciated.


Dear Prudence

Out of all of the inventions Justin Thomas and his companies have developed the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee says that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole technology, the second is plea for help from someone, maybe even and Alien Civilization.

Not knowing any way to help the message sender, they bring the upgrade to fruition. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it delivering people and materials out of the ether onto one of the most restricted places on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message, an address 256 million light years away.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 03:29:45 PM by paddler »

Offline Marysia

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2019, 09:40:07 PM »
Hi paddler, you had me at "I starting to think my baby is so ugly...."  ;D Even though I don't think it was ugly at all! You've shown great perseverance in the many rewrites of this query, more than I would have the motivation to crank out. :up:

Dear Prudence

Out of all of the inventions Justin Thomas and his companies have developedcomma here for the pause the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee bookend the nonessential element with another commasays that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole technology, semicolonthe second is plea for help from someone, consider a double dash to make the impact stronger. "an alien civilization" (also, does it need to be capitalized?)maybe even and Alien Civilization.

Not knowing any way to help the message sender, they bring the upgrade wait...what upgrade? Maybe just say that they upgrade the wormhole/tech? to fruition. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it the wormhole?delivering people and materials out of the ether onto one of the most restricted places on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message,again, consider a double dash for impact--especially if you didn't use one earlier. In fact, here might be an ideal placement for it. :) an address 256 million light years away.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction Comp titles? Bio? I write SF/F too, and I love nothing better than alien stories (preferably not the bellicose Hollywood insectoid types). Color me excited for your premise.  :yes:

P.S. I laughed so hard over "I starting to think that my baby is so ugly" because that's exactly what I've been thinking of mine. XD I know, I know, I just posted yesterday. Patience is needed, and I must pay my dues by giving out many more critiques.  :yes:
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 09:42:16 PM by Marysia »

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2019, 03:11:17 PM »
Thank you Marysia. I have not yet found any comps that are suitable and I am considering no bio to save words for the body of the query.

Speaking of that, have I smoothed the speed bumps enough that it doesn't bounce you off the road?

Just little nits?

Dear Prudence

Of all of the inventions Justin Thomas has developed, the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee, says that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole; the second is plea for help from someone--maybe even an alien civilization.

They work to see if the upgrade to the wormhole works, not knowing any way to help the message sender. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it delivering people and materials out of the ether onto the most restricted place on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message, an address 256 million light years away and they know what the wormhole upgrade is for.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction

Thank you for your time and consideration
 

Offline 007 fan

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2019, 02:03:54 AM »
Thank you Marysia. I have not yet found any comps that are suitable and I am considering no bio to save words for the body of the query.

Speaking of that, have I smoothed the speed bumps enough that it doesn't bounce you off the road?

Just little nits?

Hello, Paddler!

Dear Prudence(,) Be in the habit of using proper punctuation at all times so you don't leave things off when you query.

I think some streamlining could be in order, and I'd like to see your first paragraph end on a propelling note, and I think the best way to go about showing you what I mean is to rewrite part of your query. (Some of the info you are including feels unnecessary and, to me, seems to bog the query down. My cutting, etc. would give you more room for additional goodies.) 

Of all of the inventions Justin Thomas has developed, the wormhole has the potential for the most environmental benefit. The almost instantaneous transportation technology has a very small carbon footprint, suffers no delays at all, and is safe. The grand opening of the first points of a planned network seems to be a resounding success.

Then Amanda Frost, his brightest employee, says that she is receiving messages from within the wormhole. This worries Justin, but she decodes two messages. The first is a serious upgrade to the wormhole; the second is plea for help from someone--maybe even an alien civilization.

Example of a new first paragraph and most of a 2nd paragraph:

Of all of Justin Thomas' inventions, his wormhole has the greatest potential. His technology will provide almost instantaneous transportation, leaves a tiny carbon footprint, and is safe for all forms of matter, including humans. The grand opening of the first two points in a planned network are more than a success. Justin's brightest employee, Amanda Frost, tells him she's received two messages from within the wormhole.

The first decoded message is an upgrade to the wormhole. The second is a plea for help from what must be an alien civilization. Justin and his team first begin work on the upgrade, and version 2.0 of his wormhole does not need set points to work and may even be capable of transporting anything beyond Earth's gravity. (this is not where I'd like to end the 2nd paragraph of your query, but I don't know enough to offer a more propelling end to it at this time) 
 


They work to see if the upgrade to the wormhole works, not knowing any way to help the message sender. Version 2.0 of the wormhole does not need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected, accurately, anywhere, delivering anything. Maybe even defeating the gravity well. It is a tool of tremendous power.

Your last paragraph is where the query seems to go off the rails for me. What global emergency? How is there television footage of the wormhole delivering people and things onto the most restricted places on earth if Justin is not doing that? I ask because you then say Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to anyone, so who sends the people and things to those remote places on earth? And did Justin not do this upgrade in private? I would have thought so or else how could he have hoped to keep it under cover? Private?

So I'd like to know a little more. How you end the query is not enough. It needs to end with stakes. My guess is Justin and some of his team decide to project themselves to that alien address before the military/government seizes his technology. And I'm guessing the military/government would do anything to get it, which puts Justin in danger. This is the kind of stuff you should wrap your query with, if it's accurate for your story, and the readers (agents) to your query could be eager to learn by requesting pages where Justin ends up and what kind of help is needed so far away, etc. etc. 

Justin wants to keep it under cover but a global emergency nixes that. Television footage of the event shows a lot more than it delivering people and materials out of the ether onto the most restricted place on Earth. A lot of powerful people only have eyes for that. They prefer to see a new tool for warfare.  Justin refuses to relinquish the wormhole to any, hoping that he can stay a few steps ahead when they come to take it. Then Amanda decodes another message, an address 256 million light years away and they know what the wormhole upgrade is for.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a completed 97,000 word, stand alone, work of science fiction(.)

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a sci-fi novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration
« Last Edit: September 23, 2019, 02:29:27 AM by 007 fan »
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Offline Sabreur

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2019, 11:11:07 AM »
I only read the last version, and it left me with a number of questions. First, is the environmental benefit of the technology waste disposal? And receiving messages would be worrying, but the decoded messages would scare the s**t out of him, wouldn't they? I mean, holy crap--untested technology and a cry for help from an alien source? First contact? Dang.

I had the same questions as 007 fan about the last paragraph. Plus, how could he have missed the fact that a wormhole could be weaponized?

And a nit: "work" is vague for a book. Might be a short story. I'd just use novel. And maybe "hard science fiction novel" to nail it down even more.

The story sounds cool, though!

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2019, 10:02:13 PM »
Thank 007fan and Sabreur. I had already figured, because it sat fallow for a week, that the query wasn't quite up to snuff. I had already started another one, but the world has been getting in the way.

If this totally misses what you said, please, don't take it personally, this version was already written:

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. He and his employees have traversed it hundreds of times, then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it.

This worries Justin, but she allays his worry, saying that she has decoded some of it. That turns out to be plans for a major upgrade to the wormhole technology. Instead of being tied to two points, this new version, 2.0, is projected, accurately, from one end to anyplace. Justin can see it as the ultimate tool for relief of disasters and maybe for his ultimate goal, to climb the gravity well.

The new wormhole stays under wraps until an emergency with global implications happens. Television footage of the incident shows people stepping from nowhere to help. Military people read all kinds of implications into that. They clamber to acquire it, but Justin refuses. Then the effort to take it begins. When his own President sends the military to take over and destroy his research facility, Justin and his people barely escape. With their refuges dwindling, Amanda states that she has translated the language part of the message. It is a plea for help and an address a long way away. Maybe they will have a last resort.

ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Offline 007 fan

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2019, 12:40:02 AM »
Thank 007fan and Sabreur. I had already figured, because it sat fallow for a week, that the query wasn't quite up to snuff. I had already started another one, but the world has been getting in the way.

If this totally misses what you said, please, don't take it personally, this version was already written:

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. < I think it would be better to state the wormhole is Justin's invention. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be is a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays(,) of any kind and is safe. He and his employees have traversed it hundreds of times < I don't think you need that part. The next part should begin as a new sentence because as you have it, it's a run on. , then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it.

This worries Justin, but she allays his worry (concern, so you aren't repeating "worry") I think Sabreur hit on something in his/her feedback...more of reaction. First, I don't think worry would be the first reaction, not before messages are decoded. I would think excitement and/or fear would come first. , saying that she has decoded some of it (them) because early you said "messages" as in plural, unless you want to say she partially decoded "one" of the messages.. That turns out to be plans for a major upgrade to the wormhole technology. Instead of being tied to two points, this new version, 2.0, is projected, accurately, from one end to anyplace. Justin can see it as the ultimate tool for providing relief of (to?)disasters and maybe for his ultimate goal, to climb the gravity well. I don't know what that means...the climb the gravity well. I'd stated "going beyond Earth's gravity" in earlier comments. Is that it?

The new wormhole stays under wraps until an emergency with global implications happens < This is very vague. Are you saying a disaster happens and Justin and his team transport aid? If so, say so. . Television footage of the incident shows people stepping from nowhere to help. Military people read all kinds of implications into that. They clamber to acquire it, but Justin refuses to let them have it (and maybe say why? Does he fear it will be used for war or something?. Then the effort to take it begins. When his own President sends the military to take over his project and destroy his research facility, Justin and his people barely escape. With their refuges I don't know what "refuges" is. dwindling, Amanda states that she has translated the language part of the message. It is a plea for help and an address a long way away. Maybe they will have a last resort. This sort of falls apart for me at the end. I think you should mention how far away like you did in earlier query, along with a mention of an alien civilization. For the end, you need to make clearer that Justin and his team are seizing on the address as an escape b/c they are in danger from a govt that will do anything for his technology.

Overall, I think some things still need clarification, etc. before really worrying about making sure the language of query is tight, not having excess wording, etc.

You've come a long way with this query. I still think story sounds neat, and I'm glad you are still plugging away at getting a good query together for it.  :)


ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration
:write:                                                                          :cbash:

Offline Sabreur

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2019, 02:46:38 AM »
I second 007 fan. Still confusing in parts, and the last paragraph pushes me out more than draws me in. It feels like you know the story so well that you automatically fill things in as you read that we don't know. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own problems with queries.  :)

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #27 on: September 26, 2019, 07:44:40 PM »
Thanks again 007fan and Sabreur. I think it is just a rut, as this is a different direction of query from where I started. I have a thriller that is the favorite of what I have written. I never could get a query to work right for it, so it is waiting for that "what else you got" moment. I am not going to do that again.


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, from a possibly alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The warhawks of the world see V2.0 as a game changing weapon and clamber to acquire it. Justin refuses to sell it, so they start to attempt to steal it. When the military demolish his research building, Justin and his employees barely escape. A change of scene might be the right idea.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Offline JayS

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2019, 12:55:11 AM »
Thanks again 007fan and Sabreur. I think it is just a rut, as this is a different direction of query from where I started. I have a thriller that is the favorite of what I have written. I never could get a query to work right for it, so it is waiting for that "what else you got" moment. I am not going to do that again.


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, from a possibly alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The warhawks of the world see V2.0 as a game changing weapon and clamber to acquire it. Justin refuses to sell it, so they start to attempt try to steal it. When the military demolish his research building, (why does the military demolish his research building?  It seems that they would be the biggest Warhawk around and want to save the building for their own) Justin and his employees barely escape. A change of scene might be the right idea.. This ending was anticlimactic for me. I think it doesn’t describe what you wanted to say as your story seems to have enough action to warrant more than, “Oh well, let’s just go somewhere else.”
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #29 on: October 01, 2019, 09:50:22 PM »
Thanks JayS, it really is wimpy.

Maybe this time:

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, from a possibly alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The zealousness of the world’s militaries to acquire the new wormhole scares Justin. He sees that he is damned if he gives it away or not. Either thing might cause that last big war. There is only one way to go.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration