Author Topic: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2  (Read 849 times)

Offline Sabreur

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #30 on: October 02, 2019, 04:16:36 AM »
This works fairly well for me. I would change "seem(s) to be" to "is" in the second line to make it stronger, and at the end I would add "one way to go--out and beyond"; suggesting they go off planet doesn't give away too much, IMHO.

Offline Munley

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #31 on: October 02, 2019, 08:22:59 AM »
One thing that has always confused me is whose design the updated version is.

Did Amanda design it, or was the design conveyed to her by those pleading for help, a plea she hears inside the wormhole, possibly from an alien civilization?

The query as a whole reads much better, but I think it makes a difference whether Justin is implementing a design suggested by an alien civilization or by one of his employees. If it is the aliens, he could be beholden to them, a complicating factor in his dealings with his own government and other Earth governments competing for control of his newest technology.

Not knowing what sort of help the aliens are asking for also leaves a gap in understanding for me. Maybe your characters don't know that yet, though.

Offline JayS

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2019, 12:34:16 PM »
Thanks JayS, it really is wimpy.

Maybe this time:

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network seem to be is a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, from a possibly alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing forces them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The zealousness of the world’s militaries to acquire the new wormhole scares Justin. He sees that he is damned if he gives it away or not. Either thing option? might cause that last big war. There is only one way to go. (Add something such as what Sabreur recommended or say it differently)
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Almost there.  Good job!

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #33 on: October 03, 2019, 06:45:07 PM »
Thanks Munley, Sabreur, and JayS.

One more go at it. I was thinking about a short bitch about Google to end it but decided not to. Any comments welcome.

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, one she says is beyond her talents. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The zealousness of the world’s militaries to acquire the new wormhole for a weapon scares Justin. He is damned no matter what he does. Pandora’s box has been opened. There is only one way to get it closed, and it depends on if they can figure out the address, 256 million light years away.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Offline JayS

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #34 on: October 03, 2019, 08:32:28 PM »
Thanks Munley, Sabreur, and JayS.

One more go at it. I was thinking about a short bitch about Google to end it but decided not to. Any comments welcome.

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, one she says is beyond her talents. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The zealousness of the world’s militaries to acquire the new wormhole for a weapon scares Justin. He is damned no matter what he does. Pandora’s box has been opened. There is only one way to get it closed, and it depends on if they can figure out the address, 256 million light years away.. I liked and followed this up to this point.  Your story probably explains this, but it seems like you don’t need to figure out the address, or you would already have the address, when the wormhole was opened with the new technology.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Offline 007 fan

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #35 on: October 04, 2019, 01:34:36 AM »
Thanks Munley, Sabreur, and JayS.

One more go at it. I was thinking about a short bitch about Google to end it but decided not to. Any comments welcome.

Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe (I crossed out what I did because I think "virtually instantaneous travel says enough) So....almost no carbon footprint and is safe...I think could work. . Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, says (claims?) sounds like a stronger word for the situationshe is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization. Nice. Propelling.

Justin suspects she's just overworked and exhausted.is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves Justin wrong by decoding a second message, what she said by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, one she says is beyond her talents. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of allowing them to make first contact with life beyond Earth. following up on the message.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications < Maybe state what that is? If you do, you can change "forcing" to "forces" forcing them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. The zealousness of the world’s militaries to acquire the new wormhole for a weapon scares Justin. Determined to keep the new technology out of dangerous hands, he'll have to take it with him. Now he and his team plan to answer that call for help, and according to their calculations, the address is He is damned no matter what he does. Pandora’s box has been opened. There is only one way to get it closed, and it depends on if they can figure out the address, 256 million light years away.

My suggested changes are mainly for clarity (for me  :))
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration(.)
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 01:43:27 AM by 007 fan »
:write:                                                                          :cbash:

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #36 on: October 11, 2019, 11:23:08 AM »
Thanks yet again Sabreur and 007 fan. I am sorry, but for some explanations you will have to read the book. It took me 97k words to get it all explained, That doesn't all fit in a query.

Hopefully this is the ONE:


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, claims she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves point by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, an advance beyond Earthly physics. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of first contact with another civilization.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forces them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. Though it is used as a helpful tool, many see it as a tool for war. Their fervor to acquire takes his breath away. He would like to help the aliens, but he has too little knowledge. He still hears the little voice that asks why they gave them this iteration of the wormhole.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Offline Munley

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #37 on: October 11, 2019, 02:19:41 PM »
Thanks yet again Sabreur and 007 fan. I am sorry, but for some explanations you will have to read the book. It took me 97k words to get it all explained, That doesn't all fit in a query.

Hopefully this is the ONE:


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are is a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, claims she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves her point claim by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, an advance far beyond Earthly physics. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe one possibly capable of the first contact with another civilization.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forces them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. Though it is used as a helpful tool, many governments see it as a tool for war. Their fervor to acquire it takes his breath away. He would like to help the aliens, but he has too little knowledge knows nothing about them. He still hears the little voice that asks why they gave them this iteration of the wormhole.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration

There were a few spots where a word was missing. I find that a lot in my own work after doing revisions. I don't notice them because I read what should be there, even when a word is missing.
I past the query into Balabolka-- a free text-to-speech reader -- and then I notice that a word is missing here and there.

If there is only 1 grand opening, then the verb that goes with it should should be "is" -- not "are."

I made a few small editing suggestions. I really like the last sentence. It adds suspense.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #38 on: October 11, 2019, 06:17:41 PM »
Thanks yet again Sabreur and 007 fan. I am sorry, but for some explanations you will have to read the book. It took me 97k words to get it all explained, That doesn't all fit in a query.

Hopefully this is the ONE:


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. ( This doesn't tell us that his job was inventing it etc.  ) The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network are a success. ( I don't feel like we need to know it has a grand opening or that it was a success, in all honesty. At least not how it's delivered here.
( I brainstormed a title for him - no doubt inaccurate )


Astrophysical Engineer, Justin Thomas is only twenty four but has already invented the mode of transportation that ls going to see the human race into the twenty second century. It's a wormhole, capable of transporting passengers almost instantly from one hemisphere to the other, and beyond.

His protege Amanda is just as dedicated seeing the world adopt this safe, time efficient and carbon friendly travel network. The grand opening sees people flocking to try out the wormhole, and see for themselves how in seconds they can take their family from Colarado to China. But Amanda starts receiving messages when she is travelling through the wormhole. Justin finds it difficult to beleive. Maybe Amanda has been working too hard. But then he hears the Aliens Pleas for help himself, on a recorded message.

It's too late to turn back. The world is using the wormholes. And the government sees it as a godsend for humanity. But it's what the Aliens are saying that has Justin seeing himself not as the hero of the human race, but it's foil and undoing.



( Probably not like your book but I'm hoping you could replace the specifics that need changing and try to whip up a version like this as an experiment at some point. Basically I'd like to see more explanation of what the wormhole means to the world. I don't understand what it does. I've asked this before. Maybe all agents into sci fi will understand but I have never heard of a wormhole as a mode of transport.

I don't think it matters for the query that there is a version 2.O. I want more of a sense of MC's feelings and thought processes that lead to a feeling of suspense and intrigue.

I want more of a hint of how the alien contact affects the MC personally. The 'global implications is vague and has me shrugging because it's the MC I care about, not 'the world' because 'the world in danger' is ...a very common trope. I think it wouldn't be good to have your stakes seem the same as so many others, unless you can add an explanation of something unique about the stakes to it. And then the war stuff at the end wasn't foreshadowed, so has no effect , for me. For example, I feel like you're giving away what happens unnecessarily.

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) The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, claims she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves point by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, an advance beyond Earthly physics. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, maybe capable of first contact with another civilization.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forces them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. Though it is used as a helpful tool, many see it as a tool for war. Their fervor to acquire takes his breath away. He would like to help the aliens, but he has too little knowledge. He still hears the little voice that asks why they gave them this iteration of the wormhole.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration


From this I'm still not clear what the actual plot turnings are.

I know the aliens make contact but not sure why it matters.

It has to matter or no point mentioning it.

What does justin make of the alien contact? Does it matter? Like, I guess what I'm asking is ( since I love that idea ) is, in your book does something cool happen or it really isn't part of the plot? If you mean 'an emergency with global implications' is to do with the Aliens maybe you need to either tell us what the emergency is

or

Make the alien thing feel mysterious and suspenseful.

You made it feel very mysterious to me in another version..I wonder if I can find it.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 06:46:38 PM by Pineapplejuice »

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2019, 02:17:51 PM »
Thanks Munley and Pineapplejuice. Karma to you.

The hard part, for me, is that I think that Version 2.0 is the real antagonist. The other questions I am trying to evoke are Amanda's emotional stability, is the wormhole actually a Chinese style gift from aliens who think it will weaken Earth enough for invasion, and the mounting pressure from governments and terrorist groups to acquire the wormhole.

Those things hinge on the wormhole itself. This last query is the closest that I have come to in getting that across to readers, I think.

Offline Munley

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #40 on: October 12, 2019, 02:49:04 PM »
Your last comment made me think of the Trojan Horse.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #41 on: October 12, 2019, 04:14:42 PM »
Thanks Munley and Pineapplejuice. Karma to you.

The hard part, for me, is that I think that Version 2.0 is the real antagonist. The other questions I am trying to evoke are Amanda's emotional stability, is the wormhole actually a Chinese style gift from aliens who think it will weaken Earth enough for invasion, and the mounting pressure from governments and terrorist groups to acquire the wormhole.

Those things hinge on the wormhole itself. This last query is the closest that I have come to in getting that across to readers, I think.

I thought that sounded awesome the way you put it there.  ;D Perhaps try to get that idea across, even verbatim in last paragraph.

Why is Amanda's emotional stability relevant to the big plot?

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #42 on: October 12, 2019, 04:37:01 PM »
At this point in the book there is no truly tangible proof of aliens. Amanda may have come up with Version 2.0 by herself, she is brilliant. The aliens might be a figment of her imagination.

The Trojan horse is subject to a conversation in the book.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #43 on: October 12, 2019, 05:55:12 PM »
At this point in the book there is no truly tangible proof of aliens. Amanda may have come up with Version 2.0 by herself, she is brilliant. The aliens might be a figment of her imagination.

Ohhhh no wonder it sounds like you've been holding back. maybe Try to be more direct in getting across that exact thing. the hints just went over my head

The Trojan horse is subject to a conversation in the book.

Offline paddler

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Re: Updated Ashes of a new Dawn, query 4.2
« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2019, 12:37:41 PM »
Once more into the breach, all comments appreciated.


Dear Prudence,

Wormhole transportation, Justin Thomas hopes, will be the key to a sustainable Earth. The grand opening of the first two transfer points of his planned network is a success. The virtually instantaneous travel has almost no carbon footprint, no delays of any kind and is safe. Then Amanda Frost, his brightest young employee, claims she is getting messages through it and the first one is a plea for help, possibly from an alien civilization.

Justin is thrown by that and wonders if the stress has gotten to her. Amanda proves her claim by also delivering plans for an incredible advance in the wormhole technology, an advance beyond Earthly physics. The new wormhole, Version 2.0, doesn’t need to be anchored at both ends. It can be projected from just one end. That makes it a very powerful tool, for good or bad. Logistics would no longer be an obstacle.

They are finishing experiments for that purpose when an emergency with global implications forces them to use Version 2.0 in the public eye. Military, and terrorist, types see a weapon in the news footage and drop all scruples in their fervor to possess it. Justin’s own President initiates a scorched earth policy. Justin begins to hope that Amanda’s aliens are real and can offer some respite.
 
ASHES OF A NEW DAWN is a science fiction novel complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration