Author Topic: Opening paragraph for LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Literary fiction  (Read 94 times)

Offline mikepellegrini

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A couple hours later, she was still breathing quite fast, trying to catch her breath.  I kissed both of her blushing pink nipples, and then lay back on my side watching, as she recovered from her sweet agony. 

Offline Mentha piperita

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Re: Opening paragraph for LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Literary fiction
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2019, 04:25:20 PM »
A couple hours later, she was still breathing quite fast, trying to catch her breath.  I kissed both of her blushing pink nipples, and then lay back on my side, watching, as she recovered from her sweet agony. 

Mostly just some words I think you can cut without changing the meaning at all. Certainly, ahem, gets us right in there. To be engaged I'd definitely need some context right after this point.

Offline Sabreur

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Re: Opening paragraph for LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Literary fiction
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2019, 02:37:28 PM »
I agree with Mentha’s edits, and desire for immediate context; but in a first-person novel, the paragraph sounds very much like bragging, no? Hit me that way, at least. Changing “she was still breathing quite fast” to “we were still breathing quite fast,” would soften it. And, being nit-picky, after a couple of hours of heavy breathing, what would her nipples have left to blush about? :)