Pitmad help for fantasy novel please! Now with poll

[Mentha piperita]

I'm thinking about participating in Pitmad this September. Any advice on these options? I haven't even made a Twitter handle yet so this is definitely new to me. I'd welcome all suggestions for improvement, but if you just wanted to vote for which one you liked the most, that would be great too.

1.
The priests say nothing exists outside The Kingdom’s border, but Artris has seen the truth with his own eyes. That’s a death sentence. The underground resistance is willing to help him, but with no plan beyond wearing armbands, they need a lot of help themselves.  #Pitmad #A #F

2.
This isolated, harsh theocracy is the perfect place for Aundry to outrun her comrades. But her biggest fear is dwelling on all the harm she’s caused in the name of greater good. That’s why she needs a distraction—like stirring up a desperate, idealistic revolution.  #Pitmad #A #F

3.
The atheist rebellion is going nowhere and another banner probably won’t help. When a new leader arrives, her methods are effective, but also bloody. The cost might be every principle the rebels have. Worse, what if they’re wrong about the whole atheism thing? #Pitmad #A #F

4.
In a harsh theocracy, an old widow has hidden her son for years. Otherwise, he'll go to an asylum. Hoping to build a place for him after her death, she tries reconnecting with the revolutionaries she knew in her youth. Unfortunately, the revolutionaries are idiots. #Pitmad #A #F



Thanks for the help!

[jcwrites]

#3


ETA:Did you change things around?... the one I liked is no longer there (or maybe my memory 's going bad.)

[Mentha piperita]

Thanks, jcwrites. Any reason why?

[Munley]

If you want people to be able to vote without having to comment, you can choose the "New Poll" option instead of "New Post" in any section of the QT Forums.
In your case, you'd still be doing it in the section, "Post Your Elevator Pitch."

This allows you to list the different pitches and offers a sort of check box for each option, which people can click on.

Readers are also able to comment and discuss if they want to, farther down on the page, but if all they want to do is vote on #1, #2, #3, etc., they can do that at the very top.

The poll option is a handy way for you to get a tally.

[Mentha piperita]

Awesome, thanks Munley. I'll see if I can figure out how to do that.

[Munley]

It think they all have interesting ideas, but could all be a bit crisper, less sprawling.

There are many ways to do this. Here is a revision sample for #1, which I voted for:

ORIGINAL #1
The priests say nothing exists outside The Kingdom’s border, but Artris has seen the truth with his own eyes. That’s a death sentence. The underground resistance is willing to help him, but with no plan beyond wearing armbands, they need a lot of help themselves.  #Pitmad #A #F

#1 REVISED

Nothing exists outside The Kingdom’s border, the priests say. Artris knows better. He's been out and back--and sentenced to death for it. The underground resistance vows to help him. Their plan? So far, wearing black-and-yellow armbands.  #Pitmad #A #F

ETA:
One problem I had in deciding the best pitch was that each one seems to show some other character as the main character. I think that the pitch should be about the main character, whichever of these it is.

If some agent who falls in love with Artis as the MC requests the manuscript, and you send in a story about an old woman who has been hiding her son for years, the agent will be pretty confused.

[Mentha piperita]

@ jcwrites

I guess I turned number three into number 2 and then maybe edited away the parts you liked. LOL. Sorry for the confusion. I think this was the one you liked most:

When a traveler visits the old empire’s capital, she finds nothing but peace and wealth. Almost no one seems to mind trading freedom for those luxuries and no one remembers what the empire once did to her wild homeland. Stirring up a revolution might be justice. #Pitmad #A #F

I changed it when I got feedback from my critique group that it didn't focus on characterization enough.

@ Munley,
Thanks so much for the suggested rewrite of number one. I like that a lot! Re your other points, to be honest, after years of writing I'm still struggling with the whole concept of a "main character" in a work with relatively equal time devoted to multiple people. The first chapter is half Artris' POV and half the widow's.

[jcwrites]

I changed it when I got feedback from my critique group that it didn't focus on characterization enough.

But it has voice and attitude, which most pitches woefully lack.

[Munley]

@ Munley,
Thanks so much for the suggested rewrite of number one. I like that a lot! Re your other points, to be honest, after years of writing I;m still struggling with the whole concept of a "main character" in a work with relatively equal time devoted to multiple people. The first chapter is half Artris' POV and half the widow's.

I'm in a similar boat with my 3-part novel.

Do Artris and the widow cross paths in Chapter I?

[Mentha piperita]

I'm in a similar boat with my 3-part novel.

Do Artris and the widow cross paths in Chapter I?

It's a challenge, right? Sometimes I wish I'd written something simpler, but then this is the story I want to tell, for better or worse.

No, they meet in chapter three. But there's an obvious connection between the two of them that hopefully almost immediately lets the reader guess how the story lines will fuse.

[Pineapplejuice]

#1 REVISED

Nothing exists outside The Kingdom’s border, the priests say. Artris knows better. He's been out and back--and sentenced to death for it. The underground resistance vows to help him. Their plan? So far, wearing black-and-yellow armbands.  #Pitmad #A #F

My vote is one but I saw problems with it, it's wordy. I like Munleys version of it the best.

2 3 and 4 were too world buildy to focus my attention and connect with MC, and felt too complicated

[slightlysmall]

I voted for option 2, but I like the shorter version of 1, too. Something about Aundry's character intrigues me more than Artris's does.