Author Topic: FairyPet Chapter Book  (Read 888 times)

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: FairyPet Chapter Book
« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2019, 08:59:59 PM »
Thanks Munley,

that was really succinct and I was wondering about how I might make a breif one.  ;D I think , now that I've seen what it looks like, I'd like to keep a longer one focusing on before the portal, just because it's a short book and the pre-portal bit is a large portion of the book, and the inner story of anxiety about worrying about code and code's personality that comes across with the brief description of her trying to get out of the bag, is important to the story.

If I make it sound like the early part is just set up, the agent will be confused when they read it, as the real story begins before the portal, it's not just set up.

If it were a novel though I think you're advice would be spot on.

Basically the first 3rd is 'Fairypet' where Cindy is worried about her vulnerable fairy,

then the next parts are Cindy discovering that she's a 'Humanpet' and it's a role reversal story about responsibility. So in conveying the anxiety and dynamic a little bit I get the feel of the story across - imho.

It's ...not you're usual childrens book

I mean, I named the Unicorn after a brand of Vodka. But that's what he wanted to be called so, I'm keeping it  ;D



Offline Munley

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Re: FairyPet Chapter Book
« Reply #16 on: August 11, 2019, 10:28:10 AM »
Thanks Munley,

that was really succinct and I was wondering about how I might make a breif one.  ;D I think , now that I've seen what it looks like, I'd like to keep a longer one focusing on before the portal, just because it's a short book and the pre-portal bit is a large portion of the book, and the inner story of anxiety about worrying about code and code's personality that comes across with the brief description of her trying to get out of the bag, is important to the story. [This came across to me as a single incident that doesn't indicate any chronic wish for Code to be set free. ]

If I make it sound like the early part is just set up, the agent will be confused when they read it, as the real story begins before the portal, it's not just set up. [Okay, so I see that the real story doesn't just start with the portal, and the manuscript probably makes that very evident. The query, though, reads like a preamble to the real story to me as the query is currently written. I can also see by the information you gave below that there is an interesting flip-flop of positions when Cindy becomes a "captive" later. So the contrast before and after the portal would certainly be important.]

If it were a novel though I think you're advice would be spot on.

Basically the first 3rd is 'Fairypet' where Cindy is worried about her vulnerable fairy,

then the next parts are Cindy discovering that she's a 'Humanpet' and it's a role reversal story about responsibility. So in conveying the anxiety and dynamic a little bit I get the feel of the story across - imho. [The query is simply the author telling the reader that Code is anxious to get out of the backpack. It could simply have been because it was uncomfortable in there. It doesn't convey, to me at least, Cindy's everyday anxiety. (It could help, maybe, to use her point of view more prominently.) It actually seemed that it is Code who was chronically anxious about being hurt and who has relied on Cindy for protection and is very attached to her. I didn't pick up on any will for Code to get free from Cindy's possession of him, if that's what you mean to get across.
       I could be projecting the behavior of the giant rescue cat you see in my member photo here. It took three years for Mr. Fluff to let my spouse pet him. No one but me can pick him up. He hides when anyone but me walks in the door.]


It's ...not you're usual childrens book

I mean, I named the Unicorn after a brand of Vodka. But that's what he wanted to be called so, I'm keeping it  ;D

This reminds me of the time my daughter, at age seven, picked up a salamander in a creek and put it in a bucket. I was okay with that until it was time for us to go home. She really resisted leaving it in its natural habitat, but finally did. When she was a teenager, she wrote about that event for an English class. I don't know what made her eventually see the wisdom of setting that salamander free.

If I understand your story right (maybe I don't), it takes a role-reversal for Cindy to grasp why Code would want to be set free. Being in Cindy's possession wasn't the right for Code, no matter how much kindness she showed in other ways.

Anyway, this role-reversal sounds like a good plot. While I now see what it is you're trying to do with the pre-portal stuff, it could be that I was the only reader who didn't grasp the scope or import of it. If that 's the case, it could be fine as it it.

Offline blckcat31

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Re: FairyPet Chapter Book
« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2019, 01:33:50 PM »
What a cool story! But I think I agree with other people who mentioned that it takes a minute to jump into the meat of it. I took a try - maybe it's helpful?

The other big question I had was what happened to Code? If Code is the reason she's here, where has Code gone?

Otherwise I LOVE the names and the story would have definitely been right up my alley as a kid.

Dear Agent,

Twelve-year-old Cindy Marley has a secret pet. Code is a mischievous fairy the size of a cat who today is hitching a ride in Cindy's book bag. If anyone sees Code, she'll be taken for sure. But the impatient fairy is loud and wants out. Code promises she only wants to offer Cindy a drink, so hoping to keep her quiet, the young girl takes Code up on her offer.

As soon as she swallows, a portal to The Otherworld opens and Cindy falls in, landing in a lush meadow. Now stuck with no way out, the only creature that can understand Cindy's requests for help is a grumpy grey unicorn called Absolute.

Absolute has been stuck in the meadow for forty years and explains that if Cindy can't find a way home, she'll turn into a fairy creature herself. As the horrifying reality of tripping into Code's world dawns on her, Cindy notices something strange... her feet are turning into hooves.

At 12,000 words, FAIRYPET is a chapter book that would appeal to fans of Miss Someone's I Have No Idea Yet and Mr. Whoeveritis's Some Book About A Unicorn No Doubt.

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Offline JayS

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Re: FairyPet Chapter Book
« Reply #18 on: August 26, 2019, 06:31:44 PM »
Suggestion re your long sentence in 4th paragraph:

The portal closes behind her.  Unfortunately, the only creature who can understand Cindy‚Äôs pleas for help is a grumpy grey unicorn named Absolute.