Author Topic: Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller  (Read 243 times)

Offline kajiki_maguro

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Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller
« on: September 04, 2019, 04:05:38 AM »
Hello Everyone, I've been lurking around in the background for a while now but I've only just registered as a member. I have the pitch of a query for a crime thriller that I been working on for about a month or so. The working title of the novel is FIRES of AUTUMN. I would be grateful if you could have a look and let me know what you think!


QUERY PITCH

John Hazen doesn't want to kill anyone. Not really.

He seemingly has the perfect life. A loving family. A foodie-style bed and breakfast just a stone's throw from Long Island Sound. Hazen family owned and operated. Black cod brûlée, prosciutto-wrapped rabbit loins, and blueberry waffles are all on the menu.

Cold-blooded murder is not.

But that smile hides a shadowy past, sharp and dangerous. And when a sociopath tries to murder Julie Sato, a young lawyer at a consulting firm in Tokyo, that past suddenly catches up with him. That's because the criminal syndicate behind the firm wants the assailant dead. And they want John Hazen, the best hitman they ever had, to pull the trigger. Whether he wants to or not. Because as they like to remind him, the payments he gives them each month, they're a sign of indenture, not freedom.

But once in Tokyo, John quickly soon realizes the job is much more than just hunting down a rogue associate. Millions of dollars have disappeared from a syndicate-owned front company, along with most of the employees. To get his man, he'll have to piece together a brazen multi-million dollar fraud and unravel the mystery of why anyone would want to murder Julie Sato.

He'll need to move fast though. Before the real masterminds behind the missing millions get to him--and his family--first.

Offline JayS

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Re: Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2019, 12:17:38 PM »
Hello Everyone, I've been lurking around in the background for a while now but I've only just registered as a member. I have the pitch of a query for a crime thriller that I been working on for about a month or so. The working title of the novel is FIRES of AUTUMN. I would be grateful if you could have a look and let me know what you think!


QUERY PITCH

John Hazen doesn't want to kill anyone. Not really anymore.

He seemingly has the perfect life. A loving family. This sounds cliche. He’s happy to run a A foodie-style bed and breakfast with his family just a stone's throw from Long Island Sound. Hazen family owned and operated. Black cod brûlée, prosciutto-wrapped rabbit loins, and blueberry waffles are all on the menu.

Cold-blooded murder is not.
. Not sure this adds to your query since the murder doesn’t happen at the B & B which is how it reads until you get to the last paragraph.

But that his smile hides a shadowy past, sharp (not sure what a sharp past is) and dangerous. And when a sociopath tries to murder Julie Sato, a young lawyer at a consulting firm in Tokyo, that past suddenly catches up with him. That's because the criminal syndicate behind the firm wants the assailant dead. And whether he wants to or not, they want John Hazenhim, the best hitman they ever had, to pull the trigger.  Because as they like to remind him, the payments he gives them each month, they're are a sign of indenture, not freedom.

But once in Tokyo, John quickly soonPick one. realizes the job is much more than just hunting down a rogue associate. Millions of dollars have disappeared from a syndicate-owned front company, along with most of the employees. To get his man, Could it be a woman? he'll have to piece together a brazen multi-million dollar fraud and unravel the mystery of why anyone would want to murder Julie Sato. If there’s a fraud scheme and someone is almost killed, it seems likely and not much of a mystery that that someone (Julie Sato) uncovered the scheme.  If there’s more to this, then you may need to say it differently.

He'll need to move fast though. Before the real masterminds behind the missing millions get to him--and his family--first.

FIRES OF AUTUMN is a ###-word adult crime thriller.  Add comps if you know some and brief bio.

Offline kajiki_maguro

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Re: Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2019, 09:29:42 PM »
Thanks for the suggestions and the edits! All very good advice. I'm still looking for better ways to phrase "Why would anyone want to kill Julie Sato?" (One of the earlier drafts of the query focused mainly on that question.) It becomes clear rather early on in the novel that the attack has nothing to do with the money. I'm sure I'll work it out in subsequent revisions.

Thanks again!

Offline Setyril

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Re: Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2019, 09:33:52 AM »

John Hazen doesn't want to kill anyone. Not really.

He seemingly ("seemingly" is a weak word, maybe just lose it altogether and say he had the perfect life has the perfect life. A loving family. A foodie-style bed and breakfast just a stone's throw from Long Island Sound. Hazen family owned and operated. Black cod brûlée, prosciutto-wrapped rabbit loins, and blueberry waffles are all on the menu.

Cold-blooded murder is not.

But that (I'd say "his" smile. you haven't referred to any smile previously in the pitch so using "that" is a little vague smile hides a shadowy past, sharp and dangerous. And when a sociopath tries to murder Julie Sato (So she survives?), a young lawyer at a consulting firm in Tokyo, that past suddenly catches up with him. That's Two sentence fragments that begin with "that" close together, try rewording it so that it isn't used in either the one before, or this one) because the criminal syndicate behind the firm wants the assailant dead. And they want John Hazen, the best hitman they ever had, to pull the trigger. Whether he wants to or not. Because as they like to remind him, the payments he gives them each month, they're a sign of indenture, not freedom (this sentence is a little confusing. It could even be changing the word "they're" to "are" and changing the first comma to a hyphen so it reads, "Because as they like to remind him - the payments he sends them each month are a sign of indenture, not freedom..

But once in Tokyo, John quickly soon (Both these words mean the same thing.) realizes the job is much more than just hunting down a rogue associate. Millions of dollars have disappeared from a syndicate-owned front company (Which company is this? The one that hired him? or the one that is behind the attempted assasination?), along with most of the employees. To get his man, he'll have to piece together a brazen multi-million dollar fraud and unravel the mystery of why anyone would want to murder Julie Sato.

He'll need to move fast though (Dont need the word "though" here.). Before the real masterminds behind the missing millions get to him--and his family--first.

Offline kajiki_maguro

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Re: Query for FIRES OF AUTUMN, Crime Thriller
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 01:28:12 AM »
Thank you for your corrections and comments. I very much appreciate your help!