Author Topic: Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"  (Read 130 times)

Offline cullentothemax

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Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"
« on: September 07, 2019, 03:03:23 PM »
Hello all! I've been tweaking and revising my query letter for some time now, and I would really love it if you would give me some feedback. Thank you very much!

Dear Agent,
Zebulon, a loyal, patriotic, immigrant, is attending the inauguration of the Nation’s new Leader. Once the Leader emerges onto the stage, he applauds enthusiastically along with the rest of the crowd.

Several minutes later, Zebulon is still frantically clapping, but his hands and arms are writhing in pain. He doesn’t know if he can continue, but is too afraid to stop. Those who are the first to cease clapping get taken away by the Guardsmen and never seen again. Some say they get executed, while other people declare the taken are not so lucky…
 
Succumbing to his weakness, Zebulon stops clapping first, and everyone else immediately ceases right after him. The Guardsmen quickly march in his direction but another person throws herself to them, sacrificing herself in his stead.

Convinced he is still unworthy or worse, a member of the Nation’s enemy, The Weeds, Zebulon is taken to face the Leader, who forces him to prove his worth and pay for his actions by joining the new administration.

There, Zebulon inadvertently uncovers the answer to the elusive Great Question—the mass murder of millions of people nearly a century ago—and must learn telling the truth is not always the best decision…

THE WEED DREAMS is a complete, 160,000 word suspense/thriller that I would describe as a Brazil meets A Clockwork Orange. Thank you for your consideration.

Offline Setyril

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Re: Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2019, 09:42:39 AM »
Zebulon, a loyal, patriotic, (loose the final comma) immigrant, is attending the inauguration of the (I'd use "his" not "the") Nation’s new Leader. Once the Leader emerges onto the stage, he applauds enthusiastically along with the rest of the crowd.

Several minutes later, Zebulon is still frantically clapping, but his hands and arms are writhing in pain. He doesn’t know if he can continue, but is too afraid to stop. Those who are the first to cease clapping get taken away by the Guardsmen and (Add "are" here)never seen again. Some say they get executed, while other people declare the taken are not so lucky (The second half of this sentence sounds a little clunky. I'd reword it. Like "While others do not believe they meet such a lucky end)
 
Succumbing to his weakness, Zebulon stops clapping first, and everyone else immediately ceases right after him(If you've said immediately then you dont need to say "right after him", they are the same thing). The Guardsmen quickly march in his direction but another person throws herself to them, sacrificing herself in his stead.

Convinced he is still unworthy or worse, a member of the Nation’s enemy, The Weeds, Zebulon is taken to face the Leader, who forces him to prove his worth and pay for his actions by joining the new administration (This sentence is quite long. I'd try to find a way to break it up a little.).

There, Zebulon inadvertently uncovers the answer to the elusive Great Question—the mass murder of millions of people nearly a century ago—and must learn (Add word "that" here)telling the truth is not always the best decision…

THE WEED DREAMS is a complete, 160,000 word suspense/thriller that I would describe as a Brazil meets A Clockwork Orange. Thank you for your consideration.

As a word of caution. 160,000 words is VERY high for a suspense thriller. You'd struggle as a debut author even getting a sci-fi novel accepted at this length. I'd think very carefully if there is any way you can editit to make it shorter. The closer you can get to 100k the better.

Offline cullentothemax

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Re: Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2019, 02:08:30 PM »
Thank you so much!!!

Offline Hope_888

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Re: Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 06:29:44 AM »
Yes I think 160k would be a deal breaker for a (presumably) debut novel.

Offline LateToTheParty

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Re: Query Suspense/Thriller-- "The Weed Dreams"
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2019, 06:32:54 PM »
Hello all! I've been tweaking and revising my query letter for some time now, and I would really love it if you would give me some feedback. Thank you very much!

Dear Agent,
Zebulon, a loyal, patriotic, immigrant, is attending the inauguration of the Nation’s new Leader. Once the Leader emerges onto the stage, he applauds enthusiastically along with the rest of the crowd.

Several minutes later, Zebulon is still frantically clapping, but his hands and arms are writhing in pain. He doesn’t know if he can continue, but is too afraid to stop. Those who are the first to cease clapping get taken away by the Guardsmen and never seen again. Some say they get executed, while other people declare the taken are not so lucky…
 
Succumbing to his weakness, When Zebulon stops clapping first at the inauguration of his nation's new leader, and everyone else immediately ceases right after him. The [Presidential/National/Imperial] Guardsmen quickly march in his direction rush to arrest him. butThen another person throws herself to them, sacrificing herself in his stead.

Convinced he is still unworthy or worse, a member of the Nation’s enemy, The Weeds, Zebulon is taken to face the Leader, who forces him to prove his worth and pay for his actions by joining the new administration. I'd substitute the rumored execution "or worse" here as the stakes.

There, Zebulon inadvertently uncovers the answer to the elusive Great Question—the mass murder of millions of people nearly a century ago—and must learn telling the truth is not always the best decision… This is a good place to make statement of what Z wants: to live, save Lily, etc.. I'd also tighten this up to the previous paragraph.

THE WEED DREAMS is a complete, 160,000 word suspense/thriller that I would describe as a Brazil meets A Clockwork Orange. Thank you for your consideration. I'm leery of comparisons and I agree with Setyril about the length.
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