Author Topic: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 4.0  (Read 507 times)

Offline elparkerio

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YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 4.0
« on: October 21, 2019, 05:16:00 PM »
Hello, hello! This is a rewrite of a query I previously posted. Any and all feedback welcome. Thank you!

Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow.  Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Aged seventeen, Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. Mankind’s demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her generic suburban hometown, or making amends with her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star, PJ Smith-Davis.

But fate has other ideas. Her former friends, kids she drifted from when her folks passed, agree the news is a hoax and offer her a chance to join their epic, once-off adventure through their hometown. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well have an eating contest, bury a time capsule, and host the best prom earth has ever seen. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make amends too. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, and there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew. Knowing there’s just today, Zara can’t ruin the only chance at happiness she might ever have. It took fake news to bring them together, but only they can keep themselves that way.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of authors Becky Albertalli and Mia García.

Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards,




« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 07:15:31 PM by elparkerio »
elparkerio

Offline mflores

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!!
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2019, 05:46:17 PM »
Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow. NASA claims massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated. I really like how you start.

Yeah, right. Aged seventeen, Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. Mankind’s demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her generic suburban hometown, or making amends with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star., PJ Smith-Davis.

But fate has other ideas. Her former friends, kids she drifted from when her folks passed, agree the news is a hoax and offer her a chance to join their epic, once-off adventure through their hometown. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well have an eating contest, bury a time capsule, and host the best prom earth has ever seen. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make amends too. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all. If only they didn’t get in their own way.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, and there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew. Knowing there’s just today, Zara can’t ruin the only chance at happiness she might ever have. It took fake news to bring them together, but only they can keep themselves that way. stay that way. Something doesn't seem right for the last sentence.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of authors Becky Albertalli and Mia García.

Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards,

Lesli Pande You may want to remove your real name. :)

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!!
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2019, 05:48:43 PM »
Hello, hello! This is a rewrite of a query I previously posted. Any and all feedback welcome. Thank you!

Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow.  Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Aged seventeen, Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. Mankind’s demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her generic suburban hometown, or making amends with her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star, PJ Smith-Davis.

But fate has other ideas. Her former friends, kids she drifted from when her folks passed, agree the news is a hoax and offer her a chance to join their epic, once-off adventure through their hometown. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well have an eating contest, bury a time capsule, and host the best prom earth has ever seen. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make amends too. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, and there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew. Knowing there’s just today, Zara can’t ruin the only chance at happiness she might ever have. It took fake news to bring them together, but only they can keep themselves that way.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of authors Becky Albertalli and Mia García.

Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards,

Lesli Pande

For me it's much better than before but still feels like it has no plot. In red are things that you intrigued me slightly with, but then you that intrigue doesn't get exploited as I don't know specifically what is going on.

Great voice again,  ;D but I think you might end up losing some of it for getting stakes across. I know not all books are high stakes but there still needs to be the character wanting something and it's not clear what she wants or that there is an obstacle in her way
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 05:50:14 PM by Pineapplejuice »

Offline elparkerio

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 2.0
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2019, 07:57:18 PM »
New version! I feel like the plot summary might be a tad too long. Lemme know what y'all think. :)

Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. Mankind’s demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown, or getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star.

But fate has other ideas. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the sloppy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt by a gang of hooligans to bring things into perspective. Even if they believe the world isn’t ending, they need to do something meaningful with their day. Zara suggests they confront their biggest issues. Ranjan needs to visit his grandpa in the home. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. PJ needs to make amends with his ex-friend and band member. And Zara needs to visit her parents’ grave. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

« Last Edit: October 22, 2019, 08:42:50 PM by elparkerio »
elparkerio

Offline JayS

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 2.0
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2019, 02:16:50 PM »
It is a lot of information, but it reads well to me.  Good job!  Let’s hear from some others with more experience.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 2.0
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2019, 01:10:21 AM »
New version! I feel like the plot summary might be a tad too long. Lemme know what y'all think. :)

Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of Mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. ( Unless you qualify 'mankinds demise' it actually means she doesn't care if the world ends, not that she doesn't beleive it ) Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown, or getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star.

But fate has other ideas. ( Other ideas to what? What is this in reference to? When I read this sentence I felt like maybe this was from another draft but now it makes no sense. I tried to figure it out and assume you mean fate has other ideas about MC not buying into the hype, but then the next sentence here doesn't say she decides to buy into the hype due to fate.  ) Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the sloppy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt by a gang of hooligans to bring things into perspective. Even if they believe the world isn’t ending, they need to do something meaningful with their day. ( This, in a plot and character motivation sense doesn't make sense to me. Why do they need to do something meaningful if the world isn't ending? )

Zara suggests they confront their biggest issues. Ranjan needs to visit his grandpa in the home. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. PJ needs to make amends with his ex-friend and band member. And Zara needs to visit her parents’ grave. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.

( Do they need to find their way back to each other though? Why? They weren't even friends to begin with.

On a line by line level, I  love it. I just feel like the character motivations feel weak the way you have it, so hopefully you can think of something to explain why they are doing all this.

Heaps better than before though, again, great voice!
  ;D


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Offline elparkerio

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 3.0
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2019, 12:01:35 PM »
I feel a little iffy about this one, but anyhoo, how does this sound?

Pineapplejuice, mflores, JayS thank you SO much for all your advice/feedback. Really helpful.



Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown, or getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star.

But fate has a plan. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the messy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt by a gang of hooligans to bring things into perspective. If they don’t wanna go crazy like everyone else, they need to do something productive with their day. They make a pact. Ranjan needs to reconnect with his grandpa. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. And PJ and Zara need to resolve their past. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
elparkerio

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 3.0
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2019, 12:43:23 PM »
I feel a little iffy about this one, but anyhoo, how does this sound?

Pineapplejuice, mflores, JayS thank you SO much for all your advice/feedback. Really helpful.



Dear (agent's name),


Apparently, the world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA claims. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Like having friends to joke with about the hysteria that otherwise captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown, or getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star.

But fate has a plan. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the messy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt by a gang of hooligans to bring things into perspective. If they don’t wanna go crazy like everyone else, they need to do something productive with their day. They make a pact ( I like how you changed this, feels understandable now ) . Ranjan needs to reconnect with his grandpa. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. And PJ and Zara need to resolve their past. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it. ( With this last line here it doesn't ring as stakey still. Like, it could if it matched something before it but here it sounds like all the friends need to 'find their way back to each other' and I don't see why they need to since they weren't friends before. Maybe if you made it clear somehow that you mean MC and her BF, or if you do mean all the friends, then I'd want to feel a need for them to have each other's friendship. Other than that, I think it's a strong query. But trying to fix this might mean you might need to cut something to make room, or experiment with a different angle. Your MC feels too independent to worry about, especially since the relationship was already over, and it seems she was coping fine without ex, and without new friends,

Oh, I know what's missing.

The tension about 'the world going crazy'. If we can feel that emotionally the world around them does feel scary or stupid then we might feel for MC more, and her needs )


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Offline paddler

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 3.0
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2019, 09:36:42 PM »
I love the voice of it, but there are so many names in it. Maybe drop back to just Zara and PJ, add in the once upon crew. Then lift it up with all of them having goodbyes to say before they can be the CREW.

Offline elparkerio

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 3.0
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2019, 11:15:14 AM »
once again, Pineapplejuice, your feedback is really helpful. And thank you, too, Paddler. Taking all things into consideration when I post the next version. ❤❤❤
elparkerio

Offline elparkerio

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 4.0
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2019, 07:16:21 PM »
newest version! Tell me what y'all think :)

Dear (agent's name),

The world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA reports. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Friends, too, and getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star. Still, it would be nice to have people her own age to joke with about the hysteria that captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown. Following her folks’ death, Zara’s managed to alienate every friend she’s ever had. And now, in the so-called end times, she finds herself wishing she’d made up with them.

Fate has a plan. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the messy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt to bring things into perspective. If they don’t want to go crazy like everyone else, they need to do something productive. So they make a pact. Ranjan needs to reconnect with his grandpa. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. And PJ and Zara need to resolve their past. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some mature language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Mukundi Pande (writing as Lesli Pande)
elparkerio

Offline mflores

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 4.0
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2019, 03:52:13 PM »
It is so much better now. I did not understand sentence " Friends, too, and getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star." You may consider a revision of this sentence.

Keep smiling. You are moving in the right direction. :)

Offline elparkerio

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 5.0
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2019, 03:36:37 PM »
newest version! Thanks to everyone for their feedback so far

Dear (agent's name),

The world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA reports. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Friends do, too. And getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star. Still, it would be nice to have people her own age to joke with about the hysteria that captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown. Following her folks’ death, Zara’s managed to alienate every friend she’s ever had. And now, in the so-called end times, she finds herself wishing she’d made amends.

Fate has a plan. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew. Like Zara, he wants to make up for the messy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt to bring things into perspective. If they don’t want to go crazy like everyone else, they need to do something productive. So they make a pact. Ranjan needs to reconnect with his grandpa. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. And PJ and Zara need to resolve their past. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.


AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some mature language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
elparkerio

Offline Atg336

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Re: YA contemporary REWRITE!!! 5.0
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2019, 02:16:18 PM »
newest version! Thanks to everyone for their feedback so far

Dear (agent's name),

The world is ending tomorrow. Massive meteor showers ahead, NASA reports. Extinction-level calamity anticipated.

Yeah, right. Seventeen-year-old Zara Minett has seen way too many apocalypse movies and heard too much fake news to buy into the hype. The idea of mankind’s imminent demise sits pretty high on her Ridic-O-Meter. Her Friends do, too (Right? or am I mis-reading this shorty sentence?). And getting the chance to make up with PJ Smith-Davis, her ex-neighbor-turned-crush-turned-pop-star. Still, it would be nice to have people her own age to joke with about the hysteria that captivates her ridiculously inconsequential hometown. Following her folks’ death, Zara’s managed to alienate every friend she’s ever had. And now, in the so-called end times, she finds herself wishing she’d made amends.

Fate has a plan. Zara’s former friends Paisleigh Adams and Ranjan Mallick agree the news is a hoax and invite her on an epic, city-wide adventure. If everyone else is going to act crazy, they might as well enjoy themselves. To top it off, PJ rocks back into town and joins the crew (the crew of Zara, Paisleigh, and Ranjan, right?). Like Zara, he wants to make up for the messy way they left things. Maybe happiness isn’t so unrealistic after all.

If only they didn’t get in their own way. PJ’s still frustratingly closed-off, there’s still too much bad blood between Zara and her old crew, and suddenly they seem further apart than ever. It takes a kidnapping attempt to bring things into perspective. (Huh? Who almost got kidnapped?) If they don’t want to go crazy like everyone else, they need to do something productive. So they make a pact. Ranjan needs to reconnect with his grandpa. Paisleigh needs to confront her abusive dad. And PJ and Zara need to resolve their past. Because their only way back to each other is through the chaos, not by avoiding it.

And then the meteor showers begin!!! >:D :clap: :up:

AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST is a 74, 000-word YA contemporary romance novel that features a diverse cast and elements of humor as well as some mature language. It may appeal to fans of LET’S CALL IT A DOOMSDAY by Katie Henry and I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE by Farah Naz Rishi. You’ll find the first (writing sample) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I think you got some cool dynamics here. I like the whole idea of ignoring the impending doom and trying to figure out your F-ed up life. Good contrasts. A little tidying up. You have a good premise for a YA contemporary.

And what's with the kidnapping?