Author Topic: THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING, YA sci-fi  (Read 259 times)

Offline Atg336

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THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING, YA sci-fi
« on: November 12, 2019, 02:51:05 PM »
!!!!!!!!!!!!!---------------Update at #2---------------------------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




This MS was a pain at first, but I think the revision I'm on is pretty much tidying things up fine. I know I'm off the word count for YA by 10K, but that can easily be fixed. 

Thank you for any input!




Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Hester 113-6 is jumping across dimensions out of control, mostly because she’s a screw-up and a klutz. But before this, she got tasked with investigating a murder at the academy she’s flunking out of.

The academy trains orphaned children as candidates for the Corrections Bureau, a law enforcement agency responsible for upholding harsh moral codes. In Hester’s world, people get fined for everything. From posting questionable content on social media to swearing out loud, everything is monitored and fined. The grater the offense, the higher the punishment. Some offenders disappear forever. If Hester fails to solve her case her fate will be expulsion, and life outside the academy for ex-candidates is downright dangerous.
 
As Hester gathers evidence, a local civilian’s name keeps popping up: Damian. Keen intellect, local connections, and a penchant for petty crime; Damian does it all for his sick sister. If there’s one person who can help Hester track down leads outside the academy, it’s Damian. He’s also the one person who could derail her focus and objectivity, putting all her progress at risk.
 
When Hester uncovers that Damian is somehow connected to the academy murder, she has a tough choice to make. Turning him in means he might get the maximum punishment and disappear forever. If she let’s him go, she’ll lose her case and find herself on unkind streets.

But then the nausea hits. Then the double vision. Then Hester dematerializes—quantum jumping into another universe, then another one, and another—completely out of control. Again, enter Damian. He somehow has the key to help Hester gain control of her jumping. The two seem to be entangled in everything they do, but solving the riddle of why Hester is dimension jumping will take both their resourcefulness, and one of their lives.

THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING is YA sci-fi at 55K words (but not for long!).  It is written in the form of a technical guide, like the For Dummies series, taking the reader through the intricacies of jumping dimensions. It is written by Hester and based on her experiences, with the story relayed in a non-linear format. It will appeal to readers of Claudia Gray’s Firebird series as well as, um, weird travel guides.



« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 12:57:55 PM by Atg336 »

Offline lostconst18

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Re: THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING, YA sci-fi
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2019, 07:16:38 PM »
First bit of feedback, could be completely off-base. But hope it helps.

This MS was a pain at first, but I think the revision I'm on is pretty much tidying things up fine. I know I'm off the word count for YA by 10K, but that can easily be fixed. 

Thank you for any input!

I know the disorientation is intended with the dimension-jumping aspect, but it's a bit hard to follow the sequence of events


Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Hester 113-6 is jumping across dimensions out of control, mostly because she’s a screw-up and a klutz. But before this, 'But before this' read a bit odd, maybe it's just me she got tasked she was taskedwith investigating a murder at the academy she’s flunking out of.

The academy trains orphaned children as candidates for the Corrections Bureau, a law enforcement agency responsible for upholding harsh moral codes. In Hester’s world, people get are? fined for everything. might want to use a colonFrom posting questionable content on social media to swearing out loud, everything is monitored and fined. You said fined twice--might just end it on 'monitored' The grater typothe offense, the higher the punishment. Some offenders disappear forever. If Hester fails to solve her case her fate will be expulsion, and life outside the academy for ex-candidates is downright dangerous.
 Its already a tad long, might want to cut some of this down.

As Hester gathers evidence, a local civilian’s name keeps popping up: Damian. A keen? Keen intellect, local connections, and a penchant for petty crime; Damian does it all for his sick sister. Not exactly sure how these two relate--I know what you mean is 'he does crime to help his sister', but it doesn't really read that way. I like the lead up though! If there’s one person who can help Hester track down leads outside the academy, it’s Damian. He’s also the one person who could derail her focus and objectivity, putting all her progress at risk.
 
When Hester uncovers that Damian is somehow connected to the academy murder, she has a tough choice to make. Turning him in means he might get the maximum punishment and disappear forever. If she let’s him go, she’ll lose her case and find herself on unkind streets. Might be completely offbase here, but I feel like this would be better not revealed. It seems the kind of twist you want to save--mostly a query just wants to tease, without giving everything away.

But then the nausea hits. Then the double vision. Then Hester dematerializes—quantum jumping into another universe, then another one, and another—completely out of control. Again, enter Damian. He somehow has the key to help Hester gain control of her jumping. The two seem to be entangled in everything they do, but solving the riddle of why Hester is dimension jumping will take both their resourcefulness, and one of their lives.

Same as above--you could trim down some of this and use it as the closing. Hinting the two are entangled and need each other to solve the riddle, and just leave off on the cliffhanger

THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING is YA sci-fi at 55K words (but not for long!).  It is written in the form of a technical guide, like the For Dummies series, taking the reader through the intricacies of jumping dimensions. It is written by Hester and based on her experiences, with the story relayed in a non-linear format. It will appeal to readers of Claudia Gray’s Firebird series as well as, um, weird travel guides.


Would drop the 'um' though I know what you're going for. Kinda the line between personable and professional I suppose.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 11:12:27 PM by lostconst18 »

Offline Atg336

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Re: THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING, YA sci-fi
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2019, 12:56:54 PM »
Whittled it down.


Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Hester 113-6 is jumping across dimensions out of control, mostly because she’s a screw-up and a klutz. Before though, she was tasked with investigating a murder at the academy she’s flunking out of.

The academy trains orphaned children as candidates for the Corrections Bureau, a law enforcement agency responsible for upholding harsh moral codes. In Hester’s world, people are fined for everything: from posting questionable content on social media to swearing out loud, everything is monitored. The greater the offense, the higher the punishment. Some offenders disappear forever. If Hester fails she’ll get the boot and life outside the academy for ex-candidates is downright dangerous.
 
As Hester gathers evidence, a local civilian’s name keeps popping up: Damian. With a keen intellect, a silver tongue, and a penchant for petty crime; Damian skirts the law to help his sick sister. If there’s one person who can help Hester track down leads outside the academy, it’s Damian. He’s also the one person who could derail her focus and objectivity, putting all her progress at risk.
 
But then the nausea hits. Then the double vision. Then Hester dematerializes—quantum jumping into another universe, then another, and another—completely out of control. Again, enter Damian. He somehow has the key to help Hester gain control of her jumping. The two seem to be entangled in everything they do, but solving the riddle of why Hester is dimension jumping will take both their resourcefulness, and one of their lives.

THE GUIDE TO QUANTUM JUMPING is YA sci-fi at 55K words. It is written in the form of a technical guide, like the For Dummies series, taking the reader through the intricacies of jumping dimensions. It is written by Hester and based on her experiences, with the story relayed in a non-linear format. It will appeal to readers of Claudia Gray’s Firebird series as well as any weird travel guides.

« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 01:24:38 PM by Atg336 »