Author Topic: The Heron Kings II (working title), Chapter One, 2461 words  (Read 72 times)

Offline mafiaking1936

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Hi all. I've written a sequel to my first novel The Heron Kings, which just released last month, thanks in no small part to the help I've received here and elsewhere. :) It's complete at 114K words and my editor has asked to see my draft, but I want to send the very best I can. This is a polished revision of the first chapter, and I'd love any feedback. The first book is a standalone story, and this one is as well. It takes place many years later so it's a new cast of characters, though this group of people and the underground fortress they inhabit would be known to readers. They're a band of independent rangers that guard the forests from danger in exchange for living in freedom from the feudal hierarchy. I don't have a final title yet. Thank you so much!!!

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Linet strode through the twilit halls of the Lodge, gathering bits of gear, moving from one chamber to the next and through long-remembered routines of lacing her leather jerkin, hooking a quiver of arrows to her belt and stringing her bow. There was some small comfort in these familiar acts, but she knew they were only a distraction from the worry gnawing at the back of her mind.

Where are they?
she thought.

It was just a skirmish, another tribal incursion meant to test Lord Osbren's resolve, no more. The task of the Heron Kings had been to block the forest paths, while Osbren's men did the dirty work of driving the barbarians back into the mountains. But the twenty sent to do the job were late in returning. They were proficient fighters of course, but the secretive band of rangers were at their most dangerous among the rocks and trees in the dead of night. Tactics that availed one little on an open field.

Linet was late herself, should already have been out on her nightly patrol around the perimeter of the Lodge. But she itched to steal a horse and ride out into the night to make sure nothing terrible had happened. She came to the entrance hall just as the last drops of sunlight fell into shadow, casting a dimness over the valley and leaving the Lodge, difficult to find even in the day, as good as invisible. It was almost empty tonight, with everyone of fighting age out on patrol and only a staff of fledglings and elders remaining.

The hall was the only open space in the Lodge, with ornate double doors opening into an access tunnel. A domed ceiling curved down to corridors connecting the system of subterranean chambers that were part natural cave, part carved from the rock. It was a minor marvel of engineering that could house a hundred in perfect secrecy, situated beneath both a natural hot spring and waterfall and suffused with pipes and ventilation shafts.  Years of improvements had given the underground fortress a little home-like quality at least, including a stone hearth at one end of the entrance hall. Two high-backed chairs sat side by side before it like faithful old hounds, padded and upholstered and worn deep in the seats with much use. Passing by on her way to the exit, Linet cast a glance in their direction, a last look at a piece of civilization before the wildness of the night forest, and then screamed.

Or rather, she screamed as much as her lifelong training would allow. A short, shrill yelp of surprise and she recovered into the fighting stance, her short recurved sword half out of its scabbard and eyes trained on the odd figure sitting in one of the chairs and breathing heavily. It was covered in dirt and leaves, with wild and tousled hair prickly with twigs.

“Identify yourself!” Linet demanded. The figure started, rose and turned toward her. A face flickered in the low hearthlight. Linet breathed a sigh of relief as she dropped her blade back into its scabbard. “Aerrus! You ass, you frightened m—”

“Lin,” the man croaked hoarsely, running forward and clapping dirty hands hard on her shoulders. “Has anyone else made it back yet? You tell me they have!”

“Made it back? No, not yet. What do you mean, what's happened?”

Aerrus' brow wavered. “No. So I'm the only one. Lin, it was a godsdamned trap. Somehow the Marchmen knew we were gonna be there. They ambushed us with torches, set fire to the whole forest it seemed. Went up like a thatch barn in autumn. We never had a chance. They...they cut us to pieces.”

Linet's voice caught in her throat, her knees suddenly weak. “What? But how?”

“Someone betrayed us,” Aerrus growled, looking like some forest wight out of legend, filthy as he was. “Told 'em where we were going to be. Someone who in the near future is going to become a corpse. Very slowly.” Fury boiled in the young man's eyes. “And I know just where to start. Is anyone else about?”

“No, we're all out on patrol or...with you.”

“It'll have to be just us two then,” he said urgently. “We can do it, they're only six. Come on!”

“Wait, where are we going?”



They rode double through the hidden bridle paths on one of the sturdy, shaggy horses the Marchmen favored, downhill from the Lodge and toward the road that followed the Carsa River. Linet held on to Aerrus from behind, the stench of earth and smoke from his clothes strong in her nostrils. She fought to process this news of the slaughter of nineteen of her fellows, and in the dark she let tears fall without shame. “Tell me,” she said as they rode, “tell me all of it.”

“Osbren's troops were doing their part, we ours. Just before the battle, Bolen spotted six men riding into the Marchman camp, but we didn't think much on it. Then they fired the woods and came at us from the side. I got brained with a torch, and I guess knocked out.” He ran a hand down the back of his head where the hairs were singed. “When I woke up our dead were all over the place. No survivors. I was hoping I'd miscounted in the smoke...”

Linet still couldn't believe it. “None? Bolen, Curswell, Gastere, Ellandi?”

“All dead. Savages! Didn't even press their attack, just ran off before sundown like always. Found one of their horses wandering around. I was on my way back to the Lodge when I came up behind those same riders from before, headed north in no kind of hurry. I turned onto the high hill path and came home, just sat down to catch my breath a bit when I spooked you. Figured we could return the favor, ambush them and maybe get some answers. Six against two and we only need one wagging tongue, so I ain't too inclined to mercy. I know they had something to do with this.”

“How can you be sure? Just because—”

“Didn't get a real good look, but I'd swear at least one of 'em was wearing sable 'round his neck.”

Linet knew very well what that meant, and it changed everything. They rode in silence the rest of the way.



A silvery moon shone down on the forest road, barely marking out the overgrown path. The six riders nudged their skittish palfreys on two by two. Silent now, though the pandemonium they’d wrought only hours ago no doubt echoed in their ears. With that behind them and their mission fulfilled, they now rode in silence. But the old rumors of this forest, of what happened to the unwelcome here...the nervousness weighed so heavily that even the horses whinnied every few yards.

One of the lead riders halted. Or rather his horse did, though at no command. Annoyed, the rider adjusted his rich furs and dug spurs into the animal’s hide. Once, again harder, again. It just stamped and snorted.

A raspy whisper from behind. “Oi, what's the holdup?”

“Ssh, listen! D’you hear...?”

“I ain’t heard nothing ‘cept that yer horse is fracted in the noggin. Kick it on!” The lead rider tried again, and the horse began to buck.

Snap.
A twig breaking. It came from somewhere in the trees, off the road. A soft sound, but it echoed loud in the mawing dark. The horse stilled again. A heartbeat. “Oh, sh**e...”

Thwungslap!
Both lead riders screamed as they fell, struck by some unseen blows. The horses neighed in terror as the other riders shouted curses. Another heartbeat.

Thwungslap! A rear rider went down, clutching his chest. No doubt now—arrows, whether shot by man or demon made no matter. Two of the horses bucked in panic and threw the remaining riders hard to the ground, breaking the neck of one. The last managed to kick hard enough to spur the animal on, trampling writhing bodies and down the forest road with low branches whipping his face into bloodied bits. The other thrown rider stumbled to his feet, his dying comrades groaning in agony about him.

A movement. Dark and obscured by the cover of the forest growth, but there. Fury overcame fear, and he drew a long war sword and rushed toward the movement, shouting bloody murder. He swung wildly but the long blade bounced off the branches, useless. A gleaming short blade leaped out of the gloom like a serpent, and he jumped back just in time to avoid a killing thrust.

“Gyah!” Dropping the longsword, he drew a dagger and charged ahead. The shape before him resolved out of the dark cover: no demon after all, but a man. A short one, at that. He swiped left and right, but the wiry frame jumped away each time. With a cry he drove a kick into his midsection. He flew back and down, a great blow of outward breath proving his enemy mortal.

The rider glowered over his attacker to deliver the killing blow, raising the dagger high. The man on the ground suddenly turned, spun in an arc with his own short sword in hand and with a sweep opened the rider’s throat.

A groan, a gurgling spray, and he fell to the side, his last sensation the cool wet earth against his face.

Silence. A heartbeat.

Aerrus rose, breathing heavily. Where the rider had been now stood another, more shapely figure outlined in moonlight.

“One got away.”

“Gods f**kitall! Any others still alive?”

Linet looked down at the carnage they’d wrought. Not all of their shots had been killing ones, but the bucking and stamping mounts had added to the score. “None that’ll live long enough to tell us anything.”

Aerrus kicked a tree. “I was too hasty!”

“Search the bodies,” Linet suggested. “Maybe we can still learn something.”

“Yeah,” Aerrus answered, broken by fresh weariness and a grief that hit them both all of a sudden. “Yeah...”

As the blood flowed at their feet, the pair fell into a mournful embrace and wept.



The two figures flitted through the forest like ghosts. The moon now hung low in the sky but if one happened to look at just the right moment, a shaft of light lancing down through the trees might reveal a hint of movement, but that’s all. In a moment it’d be gone, and any spy not really sure they’d seen anything. Neither spoke, thanks not only to a lifetime of training but simply because nothing needed be said. Sometime before the break of dawn Linet and Aerrus came at last to a place where the trickle of water over rock whispered a soft welcome home. They hunkered into a crouch and disappeared into what at first glance would seem a solid stone outcropping. The forest left no trace of their passing.

They trudged into the Lodge's entrance hall, followed by a few others now returned from night patrol and demanding to know where they’d been, where the rest were. They ignored all this to collapse into the chairs before the hearth, except to allow fledglings to take their weapons and gear away to be cleaned and mended. “There are horses stashed in the usual place,” Linet said wearily, “and...some bodies that’ll need cleaned from the road.” Even in disaster, secrecy and security had to be maintained. Especially in disaster.

“There you are!” The Lodge came to life now at the news of their return, and a tall redheaded man entered the hall from one of the side passages, then nodded to one of the fledglings. “Tell Perrim they’ve returned. She’ll want to see them straight away.”

 “I’ll tell her myself, Vander,” Aerrus said, standing again slowly.

“We both will,” Linet answered.

They crossed the hall to another passage, down and around towards a council room that contained the Lodge's single waterfall-shrouded window, and lanterns set into the walls. A tired-looking woman, made older than her fifty or more years by worry, and a man of similar age sat at one end of a long oak table worn smooth by a century of pounding fists.

The young pair waited while their older mirrors regarded them. There was grief in that waiting, no less palpable for its being silent.

“I have been sitting in this chair,” said the woman at last, “for far too long to have to guess what you’re about to tell me. Something terrible has happened.”

Aerrus told the story as he knew it, and when Linet entered it she took over. Perrim’s frown grew deep and deeper, yet no tears fell.

“So,” said the man next to her angrily, “it was a bit of revenge you were after, then?”

“No! Lom, you know us better than that.” Linet glanced briefly at Aerrus, his face a mask. “Well, you know me better than that.”

“Yet you failed to take any of these mysterious men alive! And one escaped to tell the tale. Would you care to enlighten me as to what you did accomplish to salve this bloody catastrophe?”

Aerrus held up something he’d been clutching tightly like a magic talisman. “They had these on ‘em.” He dropped a folded package onto the table. “Letters of friendship and alliance in a couple different languages. From the adventurer-despot Phynagoras to Ordovax, our not so friendly local Marchman chieftain.”

“Alliance?” Perrim's mouth hung half open. “Phynagoras is busy conquering the corpse of the Bhasan empire. What business has he with Marchmen?”

“It looks like he might be aiming to invade Argovan next. The letters offer Ordovax a petty kingdom in exchange for their help. Along with what would seem to be, erm, a bribe.” He held out a handful of jewels and coins.

“That doesn’t make sense,” said the older man.

Perrim turned to her trusted adviser. “Lomuel?”

“The Marchman are savages. They neither read nor use money. What value a bribe? Or letters, for that matter?”

“Well...” Linet began, swallowed hard. “We think those riders were just middlemen, and the bribe was to keep them quiet. What they did made it justice enough to cut ‘em down, but...” She glanced at Aerrus.

“We’ve reason to believe that it’s not just tribesmen involved with Phynagoras. That there’s a third party acting as mediator.”

Perrim frowned. “What reason?”

Aerrus reached into a haversack slung over his shoulder and pulled out something else, long and soft. It was a black sable neck wrap, splashed with mud and a thin bloodied slice running down its middle. He tossed the unmistakable badge of office onto the table and it slid to a stop in front of Perrim. She quivered with barely-suppressed rage. “Marcher lords.”
« Last Edit: May 30, 2020, 06:28:17 PM by mafiaking1936 »

Offline rivergirl

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Re: The Heron Kings II (working title), Chapter One, 2461 words
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2020, 05:44:29 PM »
Congrats on the release of your novel!

Linet strode through the twilit halls of the Lodge, gathering bits of gear, moving from one chamber to the next and through long-remembered routines of lacing her leather jerkin, hooking a quiver of arrows to her belt and stringing her bow. There was some small comfort in these familiar acts, but she knew they were only a distraction from the worry gnawing at the back of her mind.

Where are they? she thought. This is absolutely fine. Suggestion only. Put thoughts in italics and leave off the "she thought"

It was just a skirmish, another tribal incursion meant to test Lord Osbren's resolve, no more. The task of the Heron Kings it might be worthwhile to let your reader know who is on whose side right from the very beginning. I'm left guessing. The task of Linet's king, the latest in a long line of Heron Kings..had been to block the forest paths, while Osbren's men did the dirty work of driving the barbarians back into the mountains. But the twenty sent to do the job were late in returning. They were proficient fighters of course, but the secretive band of rangers were at their most dangerous this "most dangerous" reads "off" to me. they were in great peril or great danger among the rocks and trees in the dead of night. Tactics that availed one little on an open field.

Linet was late herself, ;she should already have been out on her nightly patrol around the perimeter of the Lodge. But she itched to steal a horse and ride out into the night to make sure nothing terrible had happened to Osbren's party (this isn't wrong, but I find spelling things out in the beginning helps). She came to the entrance hall just as the last drops of sunlight fell into shadow, casting a dimness over the valley and leaving the Lodge, (I don't think you want to capitalize lodge here) difficult to find even in the day, as good as invisible. It was almost empty tonight, with everyone of fighting age out on patrol and only a staff of fledglings and elders remaining.

The hall was the only open space in the Lodge, with ornate double doors opening into an access tunnel. A domed ceiling curved down to corridors connecting the system of subterranean chambers that were part natural cave, part carved from the rock. It was a minor marvel of engineering that could house a hundred in perfect secrecy, situated beneath both a natural hot spring and waterfall and was suffused with pipes and ventilation shafts.  Years of improvements had given the underground fortress a little home-like quality at least, including a stone hearth at one end of the entrance hall. Two high-backed chairs sat side by side before it like faithful old hounds, padded and upholstered and worn deep in the seats with much use. Passing by on her way to the exit, Linet cast a glance in their direction, a last look at a piece of civilization before the wildness of the night forest, and then screamed. comma is wrong. the scream is abrupt. A few transition words is needed imo. Linet cast a glance in the chair's direction, a last look at a piece of civilization before the wildness of the night forest. When she realized one of the seats was occupied, a short scream pierced the smoky air.( I'd say she knew the chairs well. The reader is already seeing the seats and we assume Linet sees them as well. The scream feels off when she suddenly sees something there. You could also have her looking as something else that you'd like to describe and then her gaze flicks to the seats and she screams

Or rather, she screamed as much as her lifelong training would allow. A short, shrill yelp of surprise and she recovered into the fighting stance, her short recurved sword half out of its scabbard and eyes trained on the odd figure sitting in one of the chairs and breathing heavily (show don't tell). It was covered in dirt and leaves,comma is wrong with wild and tousled hair prickly with twigs. It was covered with dirt and leaves, and the creature's tousled hair was prickly with twigs

“Identify yourself!” Linet demanded. The figure started, rose and turned toward her. A face flickered in the low hearthlight. Linet breathed a sigh of relief as she dropped her blade back into its scabbard. “Aerrus! You ass, you frightened m—”

“Lin,” the man croaked hoarsely, running forward and clapping dirty hands hard on her shoulders. “Has anyone else made it back yet? You tell me they have!”

“Made it back? No, not yet. What do you mean, what's happened?”

Aerrus' brow wavered. “No. So I'm the only one. Lin, it was a godsdamned trap. Somehow the Marchmen knew we were gonna be there. They ambushed us with torches, set fire to the whole forest it seemed. Went up like a thatch barn in autumn. We never had a chance. They...they cut us to pieces.”

Linet's voice caught in her throat, her knees suddenly weak. “What? But how?”

“Someone betrayed us,” Aerrus growled, looking like some forest wight out of legend, filthy as he was. “Told 'em where we were going to be. Someone who in the near future is going to become a corpse. Very slowly.” Fury boiled in the young man's eyes (above he's a man, here, he's a young man. It's messing around with my mental imagery). “And I know just where to start. Is anyone else about?”

“No, we're all out on patrol or...with you.”

“It'll have to be just us two then,” he said urgently. “We can do it, they're only six there are only six, or there are only six of them. Come on!”

“Wait, where are we going?”



They rode double through the hidden bridle paths on one of the sturdy, shaggy horses the Marchmen favored, downhill from the Lodge and toward the road that followed the Carsa River. Linet held on to Aerrus from behind, the stench of earth and smoke from his clothes strong in her nostrils. She fought to process this news of the slaughter of nineteen of her fellows, and in the dark she let tears fall without shame. “Tell me,” she said as they rode, “tell me all of it.”

“Osbren's troops were doing their part, we ours. Just before the battle, Bolen spotted six men riding into the Marchman camp, but we didn't think much on it. Then they fired the woods and came at us from the side. I got brained with a torch, and I guess knocked out.” He ran a hand down the back of his head where the hairs were singed. “When I woke up comma our dead were all over the place. No survivors. I was hoping I'd miscounted in the smoke...”

Linet still couldn't believe it. “None? Bolen, Curswell, Gastere, Ellandi?”

“All dead. Savages! Didn't even press their attack, just ran off before sundown like always. Found one of their horses wandering around. I was on my way back to the Lodge when I came up behind those same riders from before, headed north in no kind of hurry. I turned onto the high hill path and came home, just sat down to catch my breath a bit when I spooked you. Figured we could return the favor, ambush them and maybe get some answers. Six against two and we only need one wagging tongue, so I ain't too inclined to mercy. I know they had something to do with this.”

“How can you be sure? Just because—”

“Didn't get a real good look, but I'd swear at least one of 'em was wearing sable 'round his neck.”

Linet knew very well what that meant, and it changed everything. They rode in silence the rest of the way.



A silvery moon shone down on the forest road, barely marking out the overgrown path. The six riders nudged their skittish palfreys on two by two. Silent now, though the pandemonium they’d wrought only hours ago no doubt echoed in their ears. With that (trade out this pronoun with something interesting like a battle or skirmish) behind them and their mission fulfilled, they now rode in silence. But the old rumors of this the forest, of what happened to the unwelcome here...the nervousness weighed so heavily that even the horses whinnied every few yards.

One of the lead riders halted. Or rather his horse did, though at no command. Annoyed, the rider adjusted his rich furs and dug spurs into the animal’s hide. Once, again harder, again. It swap out this pronoun with some visual. The giant brown gelding just stamped and snorted.

A raspy whisper from behind. “Oi, what's the holdup?”

“Ssh, listen! D’you hear...?”

“I ain’t heard nothing ‘cept that yer horse is fracted in the noggin. Kick it on!” The lead rider tried again, and the horse began to buck.

Snap. A twig breaking. It came from somewhere in the trees, off the road. A soft sound, but it echoed loud in the mawing darkness. The horse stilled again. A heartbeat. “Oh, sh**e...”

Thwungslap! Both lead riders screamed as they fell, struck by some unseen blows. The horses neighed in terror as the other riders shouted curses. Another heartbeat. Who is hearing a heartbeat. Not understanding this

Thwungslap! A rear rider went down, clutching his chest. No doubt now—arrows, whether shot by man or demon made no matter. Two of the horses bucked in panic and threw the remaining riders hard to the ground, breaking the neck of one. The last managed to kick hard enough to spur the animal on, trampling writhing bodies and down the forest road with low branches whipping his face into bloodied bits. The other thrown rider stumbled to his feet, his dying comrades groaning in agony about him.

A movement. Dark and obscured by the cover of the forest growth, but there ?. Fury overcame fear, and he drew a long war sword and rushed toward the movement, shouting bloody murder. He swung wildly but the long blade bounced off the branches, useless. A gleaming short blade leaped out of the gloom like a serpent, and he jumped back just in time to avoid a killing thrust.

“Gyah!” Dropping the longsword, he drew a dagger and charged ahead. The shape before him resolved out of the dark cover: no demon after all, but a man. A short one, at that. He swiped left and right, but the wiry frame jumped away each time. With a cry he drove a kick into his midsection. He flew back and down, a great blow of outward breath proving his enemy mortal.

The rider glowered over his attacker to deliver the killing blow, raising the dagger high. The man on the ground suddenly turned, spun in an arc with his own short sword in hand and with a sweep opened the rider’s throat.

A groan, a gurgling spray, and he fell to the side, his last sensation the cool wet earth against his face. Is the whole book omnipotent POV. I'd enjoy this fighting scene so much more from Linet's perspective

Silence. A heartbeat.

Aerrus rose, breathing heavily. Where the rider had been now stood another, more shapely figure outlined in moonlight.

“One got away.”

“Gods f**kitall! Any others still alive?”

Linet looked down at the carnage they’d wrought. Not all of their shots had been killing ones, but the bucking and stamping mounts had added to the score. “None that’ll live long enough to tell us anything.”

Aerrus kicked a tree. “I was too hasty!”

“Search the bodies,” Linet suggested. “Maybe we can still learn something.”

“Yeah,” Aerrus answered, broken by fresh weariness and a grief that hit them both all of a sudden. “Yeah...”

As the blood flowed at their feet, the pair fell into a mournful embrace and wept.



The two figures flitted through the forest like ghosts. The moon now hung low in the sky comma but if one happened to look at just the right moment, a shaft of light lancing down through the trees might reveal a hint of movement, but that’s all. In a moment it’d be gone, and any spy not really sure they’d seen anything. Neither spoke, thanks not only to a lifetime of training but simply because nothing needed be said. Sometime before the break of dawn Linet and Aerrus came at last to a place where the trickle of water over rock whispered a soft welcome home. They hunkered into a crouch and disappeared into what at first glance would seem a solid stone outcropping. The forest left no trace of their passing.

They trudged into the Lodge's entrance hall, followed by a few others now returned from night patrol and demanding to know where they’d been, where the rest were. They ignored all this to collapse into the chairs before the hearth, except to allow fledglings to take their weapons and gear away to be cleaned and mended. “There are horses stashed in the usual place,” Linet said wearily, “and...some bodies that’ll need cleaned from the road.” Even in disaster, secrecy and security had to be maintained. Especially in disaster.

“There you are!” The Lodge came to life now at the news of their return, and a tall redheaded man entered the hall from one of the side passages, then nodded to one of the fledglings. “Tell Perrim they’ve returned. She’ll want to see them straight away.”

 “I’ll tell her myself, Vander,” Aerrus said, standing again slowly.

“We both will,” Linet answered.

They crossed the hall to another passage, down and around towards a council room that contained the Lodge's single waterfall-shrouded window, and lanterns set into the walls. A tired-looking woman, made older than her fifty or more years by worry, and a man of similar age sat at one end of a long oak table worn smooth by a century of pounding fists.

The young pair waited while their older mirrors is a new term or are you trying to say their reflections regarded them regarded them. There was grief in that waiting, no less palpable for its being silent.

“I have been sitting in this chair,” said the woman at last, “for far too long to have to guess what you’re about to tell me. Something terrible has happened.”

Aerrus told the story as he knew it, and when Linet entered it (i thought she was already there) she took over. Perrim’s frown grew deep and deeper, yet no tears fell.

“So,” said the man next to her angrily, “it was a bit of revenge you were after, then?”

“No! Lom, you know us better than that.” Linet glanced briefly at Aerrus, his face a mask. “Well, you know me better than that.”

“Yet you failed to take any of these mysterious men alive! And one escaped to tell the tale. Would you care to enlighten me as to what you did accomplish to salve this bloody catastrophe?”

Aerrus held up something he’d been clutching tightly like a magic talisman. “They had these on ‘em.” He dropped a folded package onto the table. “Letters of friendship and alliance in a couple different languages. From the adventurer-despot Phynagoras to Ordovax, our not so friendly local Marchman chieftain.”

“Alliance?” Perrim's mouth hung half open. “Phynagoras is busy conquering the corpse of the Bhasan empire. What business has he with Marchmen?”

“It looks like he might be aiming to invade Argovan next. The letters offer Ordovax a petty kingdom in exchange for their help. Along with what would seem to be, erm, a bribe.” He held out a handful of jewels and coins.

“That doesn’t make sense,” said the older man.

Perrim turned to her trusted adviser. “Lomuel?”

“The Marchman are savages. They neither read nor use money. What value a bribe? Or letters, for that matter?”

“Well...” Linet began, swallowed hard. “We think those riders were just middlemen, and the bribe was to keep them quiet. What they did made it justice enough to cut ‘em down, but...” She glanced at Aerrus. I'm wanting to latch onto Linet. Maybe I'm not supposed to with an omnipotent pov but I'd love to hear more emotion from her, especially if she's the MC

“We’ve reason to believe that it’s not just tribesmen involved with Phynagoras. That there’s a third party acting as mediator.”

Perrim frowned. “What reason?”

Aerrus reached into a haversack slung over his shoulder and pulled out something else, long and soft. It was a black sable neck wrap, splashed with mud and a thin bloodied slice running down its middle. He tossed the unmistakable badge of office onto the table comma and it slid to a stop in front of Perrim. She quivered with barely-suppressed rage. “Marcher lords.”


Hope these comments help. Fantasy is not generally my cup of tea but off to an exciting start.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2020, 05:46:36 PM by rivergirl »

Offline mafiaking1936

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Re: The Heron Kings II (working title), Chapter One, 2461 words
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2020, 06:19:04 PM »
Thanks! This is great help. Yeah, the fight scene was originally a prologue in omni, and I'm having a time weeding out the legacy issues. I wrote the first version of this chapter almost fifteen years ago, so it's my oldest darling and I have a hard time seeing its flaws. Thanks again!
« Last Edit: May 30, 2020, 06:27:08 PM by mafiaking1936 »