Author Topic: THE STARS WITHIN - sci-fi drama novella opening sequence.  (Read 902 times)

Offline Farfadet

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THE STARS WITHIN - sci-fi drama novella opening sequence.
« on: November 13, 2019, 01:53:58 PM »
Hi!

Ok I've written a pretty dark sci-fi so I decided to keep it in a novella format. The opening is a try at an effect of some sort so I wanted to post it here to see if it succeeded. It's a little longer than opening sentences so please bear with me. I'll write at the end what the intended effect is to not influence anyone's reading. If anyone wanna tell me if it works or simply if it is any good! thanks

Thomas could see Dr. Falsteid's lips move but he couldn't make out the words. His vision blurred and his ears focused on the old clock from another era going tic,toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, like the thoughts bouncing on the inside of his skull.

Not again, why me?
I thought I beat this.
sh**ty company making us work in those damned mines. They know it makes us sick and they won't pay a damned cent.
How am I going to keep working?
I don't have enough money to pay for the meds, it's already hard as it is.
They don't have the decency to pay off our debt when we get sick.
What are the side effects?
We're slaves here.
I should've left this planet years ago. This wouldn't have happened.
Come on Tom, you knew the risk. It's not like you had a choice, though.
I'm gonna have to tell everyone again.
Molly, Sam, the guys.
The baby...
The baby
sh**.


So what I wanted to show was the moment when you,re lost into your thoughts and thoughts go so fast into you head you don't even know how you wound up thinking about a thing in the first place. Your thoughts are everywhere and then some kind of focus arrives and you sa out of it. That's what I was aiming for.

Thanks again!

Offline Mentha piperita

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Re: THE STARS WITHIN - sci-fi drama novella opening sequence.
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2019, 10:40:05 AM »
I think this sort of worked. For me, it doesn't quite of the sense you describe of the thoughts being half unconscious. If it were that I'd expect more things like: "My elbow hurts" "What's that dot on the wall" thrown in, but I don't think that's what you want.

It's an attention grabbing scenario--where I envision the protag. in some doctor's office about to undergo some treatment and would be motivated to read along to see what they're undergoing. The series of thoughts comes off as just slightly heavy handed as a tool to quickly provide backstory to the reader. My preference would be if your made them all a little less on the nose and let the reader wonder just a little bit longer.

I've marked some of them individually.

Not again, why me?
I thought I beat this.
sh**ty company making us work in those damned mines. They know it makes us sick and they won't pay a damned cent. Too much like speaking to someone else
How am I going to keep working?
I don't have enough money to pay for the meds, it's already hard as it is.  Too much like speaking to someone else
They don't have the decency to pay off our debt when we get sick. I'd cut this completely. Covered by others and too direct
What are the side effects?
We're slaves here. Again, like talking to someone else
I should've left this planet years ago. This wouldn't have happened. Add, "I'm sick of being a slave"
Come on Tom, you knew the risk. It's not like you had a choice, though.
I'm gonna have to tell everyone again.
Molly, Sam, the guys.
The baby...
The baby
sh**.

Offline Farfadet

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Re: THE STARS WITHIN - sci-fi drama novella opening sequence.
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2019, 12:03:52 PM »
Hey! thanks a lot for this! I'll see what I can do about your comments.

It's kind of a hard opening as I don't want to bore the reader with superfluous info either.

But I'm glad it worked a little.

Offline JTSHEA

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Re: THE STARS WITHIN - sci-fi drama novella opening sequence.
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2019, 01:45:48 PM »
I think you achieved your intended effect quite well, particularly when Tom's Inner Critic chimes in to upbraid him.