Author Topic: THE HOLY BIBLE  (Read 354 times)

Offline tdkehoe

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THE HOLY BIBLE
« on: December 04, 2019, 08:23:12 PM »
I've written a 783,137-word epic spanning centuries, filled with fathers sacrificing their sons, brothers killing each other, daughters offered to gangs of rapists, wives turned into pillars of salt, seas parting for my followers and then drowning pursuing armies, a virgin giving birth, a man walking on water, and much, much more.

Here's a writing sample:

"See, the day of the Lord is coming — a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger...I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty...Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated." (Isaiah 13:9–16 NIV)

My platform is 15 million Jews, 2.4 billion Christians, and 1.9 billion Muslims who worship me every week.

If you don't represent me, I will smote your house and your family and curse your descendants.

GOD
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away." --Philip K. Dick

Offline jcwrites

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Re: THE HOLY BIBLE
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2019, 08:48:59 AM »
You really need an age range and a genre here. And round that word count off to the nearest 100k. A comparison or two wouldn't hurt.

Good luck with this. Sounds interesting.

Offline Tabris

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Re: THE HOLY BIBLE
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2019, 10:58:57 AM »
I actually had a rejection letter for the Bible published in The Wittenburg Door back about ten years ago. I should go see if I can find it....

Offline Tabris

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Re: THE HOLY BIBLE
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2019, 11:03:20 AM »
Hah! Found it.

Dear Holy Spirit:
   Thank you for your submission. The editorial board was very much intrigued with your concept for The Bible and would be interested in seeing the complete manuscript.
   We ordinarily do not publish anthologies, but we may make an exception if you can get signed releases from the authors of all the books. As we do not publish poetry at all, we will not be including any of the psalms, but some of them certainly showed promise. You may feel free to submit those elsewhere.
   Your working title isn't "sexy" enough to sell, so we've retitled it "Assassination: A Murdered God Speaks." We feel this will draw the eye among bookshelves crowded with competing sacred scriptures.
   Some of the material in your sample chapters appears inflammatory and exclusivist, and those parts would doubtless offend our readers who worship Ashera and Zeus. This material would have to be removed or reworked before we would consider publishing your book. Although doubtless the negative publicity would generate sales, we have to protect our global reputation. A boycott of our entire nonfiction line by Zoroastrians would cause some agitation among our shareholders.
   The editorial board was concerned about the length of your manuscript. Its marketability would be enhanced by trimming approximately 200,000 words and dividing it into a trilogy. Much of the material appears redundant, so you will have to remove Chronicles and three of the Gospel accounts. The concluding chapter, Revelation, seems to have no relation to the rest of the manuscript. We would prefer you to rewrite a conclusion that is more within of the spirit of the piece.
   The scenes of violence were rather disturbing, and we would urge you to tone them down before resubmitting.
   One of the editors appreciated the strong female characters but felt that because most sacred scriptures involve male deities, perhaps changing Jesus into God's Daughter would help your work stand out from the crowd. We also lamented that God does not have any peers with whom to interact, as this builds character. It worked rather well for the Greeks and the Romans, so you should consider expanding your pantheon.
   Jesus needs a love interest.
   Your marketing plan concerns us, as you only intend to advertise by word of mouth. We regard your claim to speak every earthly language as far-fetched. Writing the different books in different languages makes it difficult for readers, although it does add to the air of verisimilitude. Please submit a revised marketing strategy along with any credentials you may have and lists of future speaking engagements. Perhaps you could work a sign such as a free fish giveaway with each copy sold, or a water-into-wine tour.
   Our marketing director believes there are franchise opportunities if your work catches fire with readers. She outlined the possibilities of calendars with quotations, mugs, children's book spinoffs, plush figures, and Happy Meal toys.
   Please send us any thoughts you may have as to a sequel. Does God have any other Sons? Would Jesus consider returning and dying again in a small Midwestern town?
   We look forward to receiving your revised manuscript. Thank you for your attention.
   Sincerely,
   Editor

Offline Tabris

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Re: THE HOLY BIBLE
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2019, 11:03:46 AM »
Dear Mr. Spirit:
   Thank you for your query letter. Unfortunately we have made the painful decision to limit our publication of sacred texts. After losing money on Baal worship and the Egyptian deities, this decision was made purely for financial reasons and not due to any disrespect for the material. There are currently 112 religions on the planet, and we have the utmost respect for every one of them.
   Sincerely,
   Editor