Author Topic: Opening paragraph for ALTYRIA - Adult Fantasy  (Read 383 times)

Offline efburns

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: 1
Opening paragraph for ALTYRIA - Adult Fantasy
« on: December 20, 2019, 11:01:04 PM »
I've worked on this novel for the last three years and had to revisit the opening because I'm not hooking my readers the way I should.  Any advice welcome.


Clara Morillo woke with a blinding headache and a gag in her mouth. Ropes binding her hands and feet carved into her flesh. Remnants of rum she last remembered chugging on a dare lingered along her gum line. The swimming sensation between her ears made extrapolating her surroundings a near impossible task. Draped atop a horse in motion, the stench of feces infiltrated her nose as she bounced in sync with hoof beats. She moaned and twisted until a hand slapped her bottom, freezing her in place. "Knock it off!"
« Last Edit: April 02, 2020, 05:47:43 PM by efburns »

Offline Doris

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 47
  • Karma: 6
  • Love My Cats
Re: Opening paragraph for ALTYRIA: IMMORTAL FREEDOM - Adult Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2020, 01:48:57 PM »
I remember waking in the morning after having had too much to drink the night before (long ago in my youth, of course) and I would never describe it as:  ....lingered along her gum line. My mouth felt like it had cotton in it and I had a pasty breath. My breath was sour tasting.

I don't like the word "extrapolating". Too technical and sharp minded for her being in a fog from the night before.

"the stench of feces"  You mention this but where is it coming from? You tell me about the smell and then change the subject too quickly. I want to know more about what she can see.

I'm not sure someone would slap her bottom, maybe just yell at her. Or poke her.

I'm not a pro, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt! Good luck.  :up:
Maybe add the first chapter for viewing.

Offline efburns

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: 1
Re: Opening paragraph for ALTYRIA: IMMORTAL FREEDOM - Adult Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2020, 03:21:29 PM »
I remember waking in the morning after having had too much to drink the night before (long ago in my youth, of course) and I would never describe it as:  ....lingered along her gum line. My mouth felt like it had cotton in it and I had a pasty breath. My breath was sour tasting.

I don't like the word "extrapolating". Too technical and sharp minded for her being in a fog from the night before.

"the stench of feces"  You mention this but where is it coming from? You tell me about the smell and then change the subject too quickly. I want to know more about what she can see.

I'm not sure someone would slap her bottom, maybe just yell at her. Or poke her.

I'm not a pro, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt! Good luck.  :up:
Maybe add the first chapter for viewing.

I appreciate your comments. You made valid points that will help me improve it. Thank you!

Offline tb.tallbird

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1079
  • Karma: 143
  • I live in a fairy tale world!
Re: Opening paragraph for ALTYRIA: IMMORTAL FREEDOM - Adult Fantasy
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2020, 03:39:32 PM »
I agree with Doris. I can tell that the character has been kidnapped or the like but I'm thinking something more is needed. Maybe along with the first Chapter, we'll be able to see where you're headed. Sometimes reading only a paragraph doesn't provide enough insight to see the story for what it is. It's too vague. Interested to see where you're going with it.
Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.