Author Topic: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster  (Read 118 times)

Offline stevenmnedeau

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Karma: 1
Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« on: January 15, 2020, 01:33:05 PM »
This is my first ever post here at the forum. I've been a member since late summer of 2019. It's weird, I only found the forum by googling a question I had about agents and it pointed me back to you.  :clap: I gotta say, I'm excited to be here.

Ahem...

At his new job at the memory storage facility John discovers he is the intended storage device and as been all along.

-Steve

Offline tb.tallbird

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1077
  • Karma: 143
  • I live in a fairy tale world!
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2020, 04:06:49 PM »
Hi Steve. Welcome.

I think your story sounds interesting and that is a great line. However, I would say it's short and doesn't give too much information about the story. What is the world he lives in? Why is he the storage device, and what is he storing? Why is this information important? What are the stakes?

Hope this helps.
Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.

Offline stevenmnedeau

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Karma: 1
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2020, 01:54:45 PM »
Thank you, Tallbird!

I guess I should add a little more info.

At his new job at the memory storage facility John discovers he is the intended storage device and as been all along. Hired for his DNA instead of his IQ, John is scheduled to have his mind overwritten with the identity of a critically ill member of the corporate board. But, John is not alone. Nancy, an old classmate working at the company can save him. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.

Offline greensoul

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 36
  • Karma: 2
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2020, 07:10:40 PM »
That ending really has some punch! But, it's a little long for a pitch...see my edits below.



At his new job at the memory storage facility, John discovers he is the intended storage device and as been all along. Hired for his DNA instead of his IQ, John is scheduled to have his mind overwritten with the identity of for a critically ill dying member of the corporate board. But, John is not alone. Nancy, an His old classmate working at the company can save him. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.

« Last Edit: January 16, 2020, 07:18:51 PM by greensoul »

Offline stevenmnedeau

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Karma: 1
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2020, 07:48:26 PM »
Thank you greensoul!  I did think it was a little long.
But I don't want to lose the misdirection in the first sentence. And I want to keep the punch at the end.

At his new job at the memory storage facility, John discovers he is the intended storage device and as been all along. Scheduled to have his mind overwritten by the identity of a critically ill oligarch, John's hope lies in the skills of and old classmate, Nancy. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.

How's this one?

Offline MichelleG

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1001
  • Karma: 143
    • MICHELLE GWYNN JONES - NEW GRACE NEWS
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 03:12:53 PM »
Compelling story

Hired for his DNA instead of his IQ

Thats my favorite line. I think that says a lot about where the story is going and makes your idea unique.
"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Offline Roseille

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 5
  • Karma: 1
Re: Science Fiction pitch from a first time poster
« Reply #6 on: Today at 04:09:26 AM »
I'm new here, as well! Welcome.

This pitch is fun! I throw out a bunch of rambling and alternative bits of phrasing. Feel free to ignore anything that doesn't fit with your vision for the pitch.

Quote
At his new job at the memory storage facility, John discovers he is the intended storage device and as been all along. Scheduled to have his mind overwritten by the identity of a critically ill oligarch, John's hope lies in the skills of and old classmate, Nancy. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.

1. I love that the opening phrase gives us important information, but it also delays my introduction to your narrator. I'm character-focused; this might not distract anyone else.

2. "and has been all along" doesn't add much and softens the gut punch of "he is the intended storage device." I'd suggest cutting those words. They'd give you room, if you chose, to add more powerful and specific detail.

3. Beware dangling modifiers! Because "John's" serves as an adjective modifying "hopes," it is not John but "hopes" who will have his mind overwritten. I suggest: Scheduled to have his mind overwritten by the identity of a critically ill oligarch, John hopes to enlist his old classmate Nancy's skills. (This is off the top of my head and I know you can do much better, but as long as the introductory phrase modifies "John," you're good.

4. Nancy's skills — a bit vague. What sort of skills?

5. I agree with MichelleG. "Hired for his DNA instead of his IQ" is great, specific phrasing! Maybe something a bit like...

Quote
Hired at a memory storage facility for his DNA instead of his IQ, John discovers he is the intended storage device. Scheduled to have his mind overwritten with the identity of a critically ill oligarch, John hopes to enlist his old classmate Nancy's skills. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.

But... "he is the intended storage device" and "scheduled to have his mind overwritten" also very much say the same thing, and I'd suggest keeping the second because it's more powerful, punchy, and specific. So maybe...

Quote
John's pleased to be hired on at a respected memory storage facility until he discovers he was hired for his DNA, not his IQ. Scheduled to have his mind overwritten with the identity of a critically ill oligarch, John hopes to enlist his old classmate Nancy's skills. There's only one problem. She hates his guts.
« Last Edit: Today at 04:12:03 AM by Roseille »
[ Write. Paint. Create. Repeat ]