Author Topic: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy  (Read 268 times)

Offline Jenna

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Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« on: February 18, 2020, 08:10:00 AM »
Hi guys! I was hoping to get some fresh eyes on my opening paragraph before I dive into posting my entire first 5 pages on the other forum. I've been getting a few requests when I include my opening pages, so something seems to be working, but I feel like I should be getting a higher request rate. Thanks in advance for any suggestions!!




Members of the high houses of Ixtan, all draped in black, lined the chamber floor below the dais. Each held a flickering candle, their heads bowed in reverent silence. It was difficult to distinguish them from the statues lining the dark crypt like sentinels.

My father, the reyhau of Ixtan, was dead.

Offline MichelleG

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    • MICHELLE GWYNN JONES - NEW GRACE NEWS
Re: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2020, 10:12:12 AM »
I only had one problem with this. With the first read I thought the houses were draped in black. The second read, I knew you meant the people. What you wrote was correct, I just read it wrong. Not sure if it is even worth fixing, does it need fixing? I doubt it. Just making you aware.
"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Offline Jenna

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Re: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2020, 10:15:04 AM »
Thanks! I can see how the sentence structure may be confusing

Offline ryan1

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Re: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2020, 10:38:18 AM »
I recommend you swap the two paragraphs.

Offline shaunap

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Re: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2020, 06:40:33 PM »
I second the swap of the two paragraphs.

Offline Jenna

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Re: Opening Paragraph for YA Fantasy
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2020, 09:02:29 AM »
I think y'all are totally right! Thanks  ;D :up: