Author Topic: HISTORICAL SAGA / slavery / "When we Cry to Thee"  (Read 216 times)

Offline Michael Smorenburg

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 52
  • Karma: 2
  • Looking&Learning
    • My Hub
HISTORICAL SAGA / slavery / "When we Cry to Thee"
« on: February 19, 2020, 06:25:13 AM »
Pemba, Portuguese Mozambique, Africa. Autumn, 1794
Just two shuffles left on African soil, and Chikunda would be aboard the cutter, crammed alongside twenty others, oarsmen at the ready. Out across the gin-clear tropical lagoon waited the slaver, a dark and brooding hulk, her anchor six fathoms down on pristine coral reef.
Looking&Learning

Offline rivergirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1334
  • Karma: 259
Re: HISTORICAL SAGA / slavery / "When we Cry to Thee"
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2020, 07:28:30 PM »
this is great. My only critique is: careful where you draw your reader's eye. Do you really want it down at the anchor?

Just two shuffles left on African soil, and Chikunda would be aboard the cutter, crammed alongside twenty others, oarsmen at the ready. Out across the gin-clear tropical lagoon waited the slaver, a dark and brooding hulk.

Edit that one line, and the reader's left with the chilling image of a slave ship, not an anchor.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 07:30:48 PM by rivergirl »

Offline mindym

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Karma: 1
Re: HISTORICAL SAGA / slavery / "When we Cry to Thee"
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 01:02:47 PM »
Pemba, Portuguese Mozambique, Africa. I'd do a line break here to separate place and timeAutumn, 1794
Just two shuffles I'd say steps..."shuffle" made me think of a music playlist 0.oleft on African soil, and Chikunda would be aboard the cutter, crammed alongside twenty others, oarsmen at the ready. Out across the gin-clear tropical lagoon waited the slaverthis sentence is grammatically inverted which makes it, while beautiful, a little harder to read. And hard to read will steer folks away from your book, a dark and brooding hulk, her anchor six fathoms down on pristine coral reef.