Author Topic: Opening Paragraph (YA Horror/Myth Retelling)  (Read 234 times)

Offline bibliophile22

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: 1
    • Instagram
Opening Paragraph (YA Horror/Myth Retelling)
« on: February 25, 2020, 11:49:59 AM »
This is from the first draft, so go easy (I'm kidding, be brutally honest).

Mud caked the bottoms of Salen’s shoes as she made her way through the small village. The bucket of fresh apples was cutting the circulation off in her fingers, her arms already sore from toting boxes of the Madame’s new fabrics from the village the day before. Every day was filled with laborious and exhausting tasks, but that was the deal Salen’s father had made with the Madame when he had traded his daughter. Salen would work, but the sexual favors were out of the question.

Offline Jim Williams

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 159
  • Karma: 13
  • Make up real
Re: Opening Paragraph (YA Horror/Myth Retelling)
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2020, 12:03:08 PM »
I don't know about details (grammar and such) but it's a pleasure to read.

Offline ryan1

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 139
  • Karma: 15
Re: Opening Paragraph (YA Horror/Myth Retelling)
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2020, 12:35:31 PM »
Is this actually YA?

Not that there isn't sex in YA...but the immediate reference to sexual favors (presuming prostitution) in the opening feels a bit off for YA to me.  But I have little to go on.

Anyhow, my general take is that, as opening sentences this goes, I'd not say it wows me or anything.  It isn't much of a hook.  It is written well enough.  But I think the hook is buried...that being that the MC's father traded her (sold her?).  I think you should open with that, instead of mud-caked shoes. 

I don't know, though.  Just initial thoughts.  I mean, you DO have the hook there...it is just I have to read 3 sentences to get to it.

Offline bibliophile22

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: 1
    • Instagram
Re: Opening Paragraph (YA Horror/Myth Retelling)
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2020, 12:47:30 PM »
Is this actually YA?

Not that there isn't sex in YA...but the immediate reference to sexual favors (presuming prostitution) in the opening feels a bit off for YA to me.  But I have little to go on.

Anyhow, my general take is that, as opening sentences this goes, I'd not say it wows me or anything.  It isn't much of a hook.  It is written well enough.  But I think the hook is buried...that being that the MC's father traded her (sold her?).  I think you should open with that, instead of mud-caked shoes. 

I don't know, though.  Just initial thoughts.  I mean, you DO have the hook there...it is just I have to read 3 sentences to get to it.

Thanks for your input. Maybe I will change around the order of the paragraph.
As for the sexual favors bit, perhaps I should change it to NA? This bit of the story actually has very little to do with the story as a whole, it's just something that comes into play to get the story started. But I will definitely think about it!