Author Topic: 2074: Maya bazaar  (Read 93 times)

Offline nirmal

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2074: Maya bazaar
« on: March 23, 2020, 01:39:06 AM »
Would love inputs on this query pls
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With his best friend in a coma and bills piling up, Kal Jibran needs to run meaningless errands or his friend’s body could get rented out as a Jumpee. He is willing to try anything, even deal drugs, and when a billion rupee reward is announced for capturing the Yaksa leader, Kal pursues the opportunity with his programming skills.
If Jumpees overdose, they turn schizophrenic, and their only hope is that the Yaksas take them to their secret hospice. A quasi-religious outfit targets the Yaksas, man-machine composites, for their superhuman capabilities. Their leader, Yudi Manu, is running for President of Greater India and his election promise is affirmative action for humans who have no enhanced powers. His monk army patrols the streets for Yakṣa deviants and locks them up.
When two Yakṣas escape from prison, Yūdi blames Kal, making him the most wanted man in Greater India. He takes refuge at the hospice but Yudi’s army lays siege. Surrounded by an army and time running out, Kal must find a way to save himself, his friend, and the Jumpees under Yaksa care.
2074: MAYA BAZAAR is a stand-alone adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written from multiple points of view, the 100,000-word cyberpunk story will appeal to the fans of “Snowcrash”, “Neuromancer” and “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”. Critique Partners and Beta readers point out that in a market full of western settings, an Indian backdrop could be a breath of fresh air.
I teach Artificial Intelligence at the National University of Singapore and the exposure to algorithms makes me dream about technologies that could power 2074.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2020, 08:30:45 AM by nirmal »

Offline JMB

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Re: 2074: Maya bazaar
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2020, 08:41:33 PM »
Hi, I see from your author’s bio that you have the background to write this genre, but the query is impossible to follow. The first sentence makes no sense. In what world would running ‘mindless errands’ save a friend from anything? And what in heaven’s name is a Jumpee?

There is way too much going on here. Simplify. Explain your world.

Good luck!

Offline rivergirl

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Re: 2074: Maya bazaar
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2020, 05:17:12 PM »
With his best friend in a coma and bills piling up, Kal Jibran needs to run meaningless errands or his friend’s body could get rented out as a Jumpee. This reader doesn't understand what a Jumpee is. Without an explanation, the threat is meaningless. He is willing to try anything, even deal drugs, and when a billion rupee reward is announced for capturing the Yaksa leader, Kal pursues the opportunity with his programming skills.
If Jumpees overdose, they turn schizophrenic, and their only hope is that the Yaksas take them to their secret hospice. A quasi-religious outfit targets the Yaksas, man-machine composites, for their superhuman capabilities. Their leader, Yudi Manu, is running for President of Greater India and his election promise is affirmative action for humans who have no enhanced powers. His monk army patrols the streets for Yakṣa deviants and locks them up.
When two Yakṣas escape from prison, Yūdi blames Kal, making him the most wanted man in Greater India. He takes refuge at the hospice but Yudi’s army lays siege. Surrounded by an army and time running out, Kal must find a way to save himself, his friend, and the Jumpees under Yaksa care.
2074: MAYA BAZAAR is a stand-alone adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written from multiple points of view, the 100,000-word cyberpunk story will appeal to the fans of “Snowcrash”, “Neuromancer” and “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”. Critique Partners and Beta readers point out that in a market full of western settings, an Indian backdrop could be a breath of fresh air.

I'm really lost and after the first few sentences this starts to feel like homework as I try to digest what you're trying to say. This is going to be a tough query because the average reader won't know what a Yaksa leader is, what a jumper is, ect... Explanation is needed everywhere. Pretend like your explaining this world to a child and you'll be a lot closer. Book titles should be in all caps or italics, definitely not quote marks. Also foreign names are hard to digest when you have a whole bunch of them at once. I'd limit this query to a few key names
I teach Artificial Intelligence at the National University of Singapore and the exposure to algorithms makes me dream about technologies that could power 2074.

Offline mindym

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Re: 2074: Maya bazaar
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2020, 11:26:34 AM »
With his best friend in a coma and the bills piling up, Kal Jibran needs to run meaningless errands why? for money? doesn't follow logically or his friend’s body could get rented out as a Jumpee unclear what this is, and when things are unclear, you tend to lose your reader  :sad:. He is willing to try anything, even deal drugs, and when a billion rupee reward is announced for capturing the Yaksa leader, Kal pursues the opportunity with his programming skills again, unclear how programming skills help with capturing someone? remember, your query letter should tell a story on its own.
If Jumpees overdose, they turn schizophrenicbe careful, your word choice "overdose" and "schizophrenic" could be seen as judgemental, and their only hope is that the Yaksas take them to their secret hospice. A quasi-religious outfit targets the Yaksas, man-machine composites, for their superhuman capabilities. by this point, i am lost, and have no idea where the story is going Their leader, Yudi Manu, is running for President of Greater India and his election promise is affirmative action for humans who have no enhanced powers. His monk army patrols the streets for Yakṣa deviants and locks them up.
When two Yakṣas escape from prison, Yūdi blames Kal, making him the most wanted man in Greater India. He takes refuge at the hospice but Yudi’s army lays siege. Surrounded by an army and time running out, Kal must find a way to save himself, his friend, and the Jumpees under Yaksa care.
2074: MAYA BAZAAR is a stand-alone adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written from multiple points of view, the 100,000-word cyberpunk story will appeal to the fans of “Snowcrash”, “Neuromancer” and “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”. Critique Partners and Beta readers point out that in a market full of western settings, an Indian backdrop could be a breath of fresh air. this last bit is irrelevant to an agent, consider removing
I teach Artificial Intelligence at the National University of Singapore and the exposure to algorithms makes me dream remember that a query letter is supposed to be professional!!! keep it to a business-type resume about technologies that could power 2074.
The biggest feedback I have is that your query letter should be a self-sufficient story. This is hard, but try a couple different variations and see how it goes. Good luck!

Offline lv_bln

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Re: 2074: Maya bazaar
« Reply #4 on: Yesterday at 11:00:01 AM »
Would love inputs on this query pls
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With his best friend in a coma and the bills piling up, Kal Jibran needs to run meaningless errands or his friend’s body could get rented out as a Jumpee. He is willing to try anything to change his ill-fortune., even deal drugs, and So when a billion rupee reward is announced for capturing the leader of the Yaksas —a group of man-machine composites, feared for their superhuman capabilities—Kal pursues the opportunity with his programming skills.

Hey there, nirmal. To echo the others, I had some trouble parsing out your world and the sequence of events happening in this query. I tried to help condense your first paragraph to illustrate how to show stakes with a hook, but I might have gotten the details wrong (ARE the yaksas man-machine composites) because it was difficult to follow the logic of the original text.