Author Topic: Upmarket speculative fiction (untitled) - would love your thoughts  (Read 599 times)

Offline junebug1969

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   “I beat the ‘ol devil back one blow at a time,” Johnny’s father said.  Bill Yates was a man with a ruddy, weathered face, and a stringy grey beard that crept down his chin and jutted past his jawline, finally culminating in an oiled, spiky point he liked to stroke with his fingers when he was on about something, which was most of the time.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2020, 01:57:42 PM by junebug1969 »

Offline yqwertz

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Re: Upmarket speculative fiction (untitled) - would love your thoughts
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2020, 07:14:11 AM »
I like the portrait of Bill Yates, yet I am a bit confused about Yates' relationship to Johnny. It might be Johnny's father, but we can't be sure because we do not yet know how many people are in the scene and we don't know which of the characters, if any, holds the POV. As the voice in the second sentence does not sound like a child's voice, we may surmise Johnny does not hold the POV. Perhaps the observer is omniscient, that's fine, but don't head hop around room.

Try putting the second sentence first. Something like:

Quote
Bill Yates was a man with a ruddy, weathered face, and a stringy grey beard that crept down his chin and jutted past his jawline, finally culminating in an oiled, spiky point he liked to stroke with his fingers when he was on about something, which was most of the time. “I beat the ‘ol devil back one blow at a time,” Bill said to his wide eyed son.


Offline JMB

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Re: Upmarket speculative fiction (untitled) - would love your thoughts
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2020, 10:13:45 PM »
I think switching sentence order is good advice, but that is still one long-ass sentence. Good physical description though.

Offline MDane

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Re: Upmarket speculative fiction (untitled) - would love your thoughts
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2020, 02:57:29 AM »
   “I beat the ‘ol devil back one blow at a time,” Johnny’s father said.  Bill Yates was a man with a ruddy, weathered face, and a stringy grey beard that crept down his chin and jutted past his jawline, finally culminating in an oiled, spiky point he liked to stroke with his fingers when he was on about something, which was most of the time.


Hi mate, I really like your opening sentence, it had me hooked and had good voice, but the second is a bit descriptive which slowed it down. Perhaps by removing a few words it will quicken up


“I beat the ‘ol devil back one blow at a time,” Johnny’s father said.  Bill Yates was a man with a ruddy, weathered face, and a stringy grey beard that crept down his chin and jutted past his jawline finally culminating in an oiled spiky point which he liked to stroke with his fingers (what else would he be stroking it with?) when he was on about something, which was most of the time.


I'd love to have you look over my first line if you have a chance. It can be found here: https://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=24361.0


Cheers and happy writing!