Author Topic: Dancing with Death  (Read 184 times)

Offline mindym

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Dancing with Death
« on: April 30, 2020, 06:49:49 PM »
Would appreciate any feedback on this. I can't seem to get it to sound right.

Rex Cooper is dead.
Beyond being the chief hospital chaplain and a friend of Auntie Laila and Uncle Vinnie, I don’t know much about Pastor Rex; in fact, I’m not sure I’d recognise his face in a picture. But he is -- was -- a friend to all the nurses, not just Auntie Laila. Apparently.
That explains why the nurses’ station in our emergency department is full of tears, wet tissues, and a giant sympathy card for Pastor Rex’s wife when I arrive for my morning shift. The patients closest to the station panic as they watch even the most seasoned trauma nurses bawl their eyes out, so I take it upon myself to offer them explanations and warm blankets while they’re waiting. They’re very understanding once I explain the loss of a beloved hospital icon. One of them even asks to sign the sympathy card.
“I know how it feels to lose a husband,” she says. “It sucks. It hurts. That poor wife.” 
Sudden deaths aside, my Friday morning volunteer shift goes by reasonably smoothly. Once the emerge team recovers from the news, they spring back with double the energy, as if improved patient care will help honour Pastor Rex’s memory. I love the excitement that comes from working in the emerge department, but sometimes it’s nice to relax a little. Especially on a Friday.
To treat myself (TGIF and all that), I decide to grab lunch afterwards from the hospital cafeteria, instead of going home and preparing something. Fridays are pizza days at Beaver Gate Memorial, and the pizza in the basement cafeteria is amazing. Especially considering it’s hospital food. 
On my way downstairs, I take the long way around so I can pass by the auxiliary gift shop. Grammy always brags about the new inventory, and she loves when I stop by so she can show me stuff in person. I wonder if Grammy has heard about Pastor Rex, then decide she probably has. In any case, there are better people to break that news to her than me. I can’t break bad news. I can’t even tell a joke without cracking up at the punchline.

Offline jcwrites

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Re: Dancing with Death
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2020, 09:31:29 AM »
I don't sense any tension here nor hint of impending conflict. Somebody died, and then it's business as usual.


(this blog has tips on elements needed in an opening page:
« Last Edit: May 01, 2020, 09:39:07 AM by jcwrites »

Offline mindym

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Re: Dancing with Death
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2020, 12:08:41 PM »
No, thank you. That is very helpful!

Offline JMB

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Re: Dancing with Death
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2020, 10:10:19 PM »
Since we don’t know the narrator or the person(pastor) s/he is talking about, it is impossible to make an emotional connection. Start at a different place in your story.