Author Topic: The Magical Mischief at Camp Arbor (MG Fantasy)  (Read 274 times)

Offline MDane

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The Magical Mischief at Camp Arbor (MG Fantasy)
« on: May 12, 2020, 10:53:38 PM »
Hi all,

I would love your opinion on my first paragraph. Did it hook? Is the writing tight? Any confusion?

I will, of course, return the favor.

"Dying was horrible," I said, and I've never spoken a plainer truth. The memory still burned raw in my mind, and it brought about a shudder which rolled through me.

Offline Jodic

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Re: The Magical Mischief at Camp Arbor (MG Fantasy)
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2020, 05:03:15 PM »
Hi MDane,

I like the first line, no confusion, and catchy.

I feel like I need more in this paragraph. Because the first line is so unique, I need more information to understand the mc, and to ground me, the reader. Is there any voice way you can provide a few of the 5 w's? Perhaps it just needs an extra line or two. Also, you could tighten the physical sensation by putting: ...in my mind, and a shudder rolled through me.

A great start, and good luck with your Ms!!

Offline rivergirl

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Re: The Magical Mischief at Camp Arbor (MG Fantasy)
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2020, 08:57:56 PM »
It's a great beginning.

Offline Pilfered

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Re: The Magical Mischief at Camp Arbor (MG Fantasy)
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2020, 06:07:18 PM »
Hi all,

I would love your opinion on my first paragraph. Did it hook? Is the writing tight? Any confusion?

I will, of course, return the favor.

"Dying was horrible," I said, and I've never spoken a plainer truth. The memory still burned raw in my mind, and it brought about a shudder which rolled through me.

I like it, but it could use a little cleanup. For example:

"Dying is horrible," I said, never having spoken a plainer truth. The memory still burned raw.