Author Topic: Hulder-Kin (REVISED)  (Read 140 times)

Offline marthastromberg1

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    • Martha Stromberg
Hulder-Kin (REVISED)
« on: May 22, 2020, 10:06:59 PM »



Experts still don’t know what made Antonio Stradivari’s violins undisputed masterpieces after almost 300 years. No one suspects a supernatural creature aided the luthier in his wood selection.

In present-day Tuscany, Italy, 14 yo violin prodigy Alora Prescain is ready for a lazy summer with her childhood sweetheart Dimitrius at their spot under the maple tree. That is if he will leave his guitar alone for two seconds and pay her some attention.

One thing’s for darn sure, this is not the time to be growing a tail! 

And this newly discovers violin made by Antonio Stradivari is coming back around. Everywhere it goes, destruction follows. Now, it’s coming for Alora.

Former violinist. BA in English literature. Active in local writing organization—the SLO Nightwriters. Several short stories published. Active across social media. YA Paranormal Romance, complete at 70K words. Can stand-alone or be part of a much larger series.








Martha Stromberg

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Hulder-Kin (REVISED)
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 05:36:40 AM »
This query is pretty short (I think) There's room to add more details

Experts still don’t know what made Antonio Stradivari’s violins undisputed masterpieces after almost 300 years. No one suspects a supernatural creature aided the luthier in his wood selection. I really like this opening line. It's unique sets the stage for your story.

In present-day Tuscany, Italy, 14 yo violin prodigy Alora Prescain is ready for a lazy summer with her childhood sweetheart Dimitrius at their spot under the maple tree. That is if he will leave his guitar alone for two seconds and pay her some attention.

One thing’s for darn sure, this is not the time to be growing a tail! Ok, this would be good if it was followed by some sort of explanation or carried through to the next para. It's way too random.

And this newly discovers violin made by Antonio Stradivari is coming back around.What violin? It's the first time it's mentioned in the query. There's no mention that Alora is even possession of the violin, nor any mention that's there' any effect on Alora whatsoever. The last line is isn't bad, but the meat inside this sandwich is missing. Everywhere it goes, destruction follows. Now, it’s coming for Alora.

Former violinist. BA in English literature. Active in local writing organization—the SLO Nightwriters. Several short stories published. Active across social media. YA Paranormal Romance, complete at 70K words. Can stand-alone or be part of a much larger series. We have a bunch of clauses here listed like bulleted items. This is not the para. to be creative. This is your chance to showcase your writing. Make these complete sentences.

Offline klclou

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Re: Hulder-Kin (REVISED)
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 11:17:21 PM »
I really like this concept. In the query, I find this part confusing:

And this newly discovers violin made by Antonio Stradivari is coming back around. Everywhere it goes, destruction follows. Now, it’s coming for Alora.

This could be expanded a little to be more explanatory. I have this image of a violin running across the floor.

The biggest question I have is, why Hulder-kin? This is set in Italy and Stradivari was Italian so why the Scandinavian term for the hidden people? Is the one who helped from Scandinavia?

Offline PharaohBeam

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Re: Hulder-Kin (REVISED)
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2020, 07:36:09 AM »
Experts still don’t know what made Antonio Stradivari’s violins undisputed masterpieces after almost 300 years. No one suspects a supernatural creature aided the luthier in his wood selection.

In present-day Tuscany, Italy, 14 yo spell out "year-old" violin prodigy Alora Prescain is ready for a lazy summer with her childhood sweetheart Dimitrius at their spot under the maple tree. That is if he will leave his guitar alone for two seconds and pay her some attention.

One thing’s for darn sure, this is not the time to be growing a tail! Who's growing the tail? Alora or Dimitrius?

And this newly discovers violin made by Antonio Stradivari is coming back around. While this sentence is interesting, it seems to be coming out of the clear blue here. Maybe tie the violin in with the second paragraph, or else the last instrument we heard of was Dimitrius's guitar. And with his guitar still in mind, I'm thinking of this violin as being his guitar (but morphed into a violin-form). Everywhere it goes, destruction follows. Now, it’s coming for Alora. Is there any way you could add in how this violin gets around? Does it just mysteriously show up? Or does it fly? Have legs?

Former violinist. BA in English literature. Active in local writing organization—the SLO Nightwriters. Several short stories published. Active across social media. YA Paranormal Romance, complete at 70K words. Can stand-alone or be part of a much larger series.

The premise sounds pretty exciting, but I think you need a lot more information in your query. For instance, is there more detail you can add about the supernatural creature and the nature of the violin? And what type of tail is being grown here? Right now I'm just imagining it as a monkey tail.