Author Topic: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy  (Read 144 times)

Offline ArslanArda

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The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« on: May 23, 2020, 12:04:04 AM »
Just looking to get any feedback, thanks alot!

Dear…

Brenna has become a druid. The Gods show her a vision: foreign armies will soon invade her land. The enemy is an empire of marble whilst her land is a decaying realm of scattered tribes. The young woman is but the druid of a small village, but now she has two godly missions: to unite all the tribes as their prophet, and to ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero with the power to defeat the invaders. If she fails, her nation will fall. 

With fanatical devotion in her heart, Brenna schemes her way to power. Blood reddens her hands, and not all of it is guilty. Her weapon? The religious zealotry of the tribes, a zealotry she inflames. Beneath her own zeal, however, there hides a young soul full of doubt.

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, Brenna must choose between love and country, but unbeknownst to her… Laelia will make that choice too.

The Daughters of Woe (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity—the world is rooted in Ancient Gaul and Antiquity, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. Every page drips with texture, grit and colour based on the ancient Gallic and Mediterranean cultures of Antiquity.

This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction. It is a sombre story of love, faith and nationalism amidst the horrors of war.

Thank you for your consideration.

« Last Edit: May 23, 2020, 10:02:05 PM by ArslanArda »

Offline rivergirl

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Re: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 06:24:00 AM »
The day she becomes a druid, Brenna receives a vision from the Gods: a powerful state is invading her nation. It is her task to consolidate her country as its prophet and ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero—her people’s only hope against the invaders. Strong opening hook but is worded off in my opinion. The day Brenna became a druid, she received a vision from the gods: a powerful state will invade her nation. As prophet of her little nation, it's Brenna's task to consolidate a people who are divided... Why do they need consolodation?

With fanatical devotion in her heart, the young druid navigates the tribal politics of her people by manipulating their religious zeal. This sentence could be better. You tell us she's the fanatic then tell us its her job to curb the religious zeal of her people. I'm also having trouble seeing this world of yours. Ground us from the very beginning. The introduction of the word "tribe" surprised me a bit. Brenna is the prophet to a small tribe of people who are deeply divided. there are those who believeblah blah blah and those who would blah blah. Give us more clues please! The screams of her burningscream says it all opponents become the song of her rise, but beneath her own fanaticism she's not going to see herself as a fanatic. Keep this in her perspective , there hides a young soul full of doubt. Finally, we get to the real person. good stuff

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, the young women must choose between love and country. Great stakes! Go back to the beginning and tell us what everyone is fighting about, show us this world of yours, and keep in the MC's perspective. The MC must choose between love and country not the women. If this story is told from two different perspectives, i'd say so below but keep the blurb from one perspective..

The Daughters of Woe Title must be in italics or all caps (italics don't translate here) (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity.(What's the background? Either show in your blurb above or say it here) This is not a world of dragons and Chosen Ones, This sounds off to me. Tell us what it is, not what it isn't  but a sombre story about faith and nationalism with a chilling ending. This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction.

The world of the novel is not reminiscent of medieval Europe, but rather of Ancient Gaul, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. The Antiquity-inspired world allows for historical insight into that era’s pre-Judeo-Christian perspectives, further setting this novel apart from mainstream medieval fantasy. 
 
Thank you for your consideration,

You've got a great base here for an exciting sounding story.
 
« Last Edit: May 23, 2020, 06:25:34 AM by rivergirl »

Offline ArslanArda

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Re: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 09:54:53 AM »
The day she becomes a druid, Brenna receives a vision from the Gods: a powerful state is invading her nation. It is her task to consolidate her country as its prophet and ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero—her people’s only hope against the invaders. Strong opening hook but is worded off in my opinion. The day Brenna became a druid, she received a vision from the gods: a powerful state will invade her nation. As prophet of her little nation, it's Brenna's task to consolidate a people who are divided... Why do they need consolodation?

With fanatical devotion in her heart, the young druid navigates the tribal politics of her people by manipulating their religious zeal. This sentence could be better. You tell us she's the fanatic then tell us its her job to curb the religious zeal of her people. I'm also having trouble seeing this world of yours. Ground us from the very beginning. The introduction of the word "tribe" surprised me a bit. Brenna is the prophet to a small tribe of people who are deeply divided. there are those who believeblah blah blah and those who would blah blah. Give us more clues please! The screams of her burningscream says it all opponents become the song of her rise, but beneath her own fanaticism she's not going to see herself as a fanatic. Keep this in her perspective , there hides a young soul full of doubt. Finally, we get to the real person. good stuff

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, the young women must choose between love and country. Great stakes! Go back to the beginning and tell us what everyone is fighting about, show us this world of yours, and keep in the MC's perspective. The MC must choose between love and country not the women. If this story is told from two different perspectives, i'd say so below but keep the blurb from one perspective..

The Daughters of Woe Title must be in italics or all caps (italics don't translate here) (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity.(What's the background? Either show in your blurb above or say it here) This is not a world of dragons and Chosen Ones, This sounds off to me. Tell us what it is, not what it isn't  but a sombre story about faith and nationalism with a chilling ending. This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction.

The world of the novel is not reminiscent of medieval Europe, but rather of Ancient Gaul, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. The Antiquity-inspired world allows for historical insight into that era’s pre-Judeo-Christian perspectives, further setting this novel apart from mainstream medieval fantasy. 
 
Thank you for your consideration,

You've got a great base here for an exciting sounding story.

Thanks alot, these are very good points. I revised it based on what you said; what I gathered from it was that the first version lacked overall in clarity. Hopefully, this second version should make the plot and the world more clear:

Dear…

Brenna has become a druid. The Gods show her a vision: foreign armies will soon invade her land. The enemy is an empire of marble whilst her land is a decaying realm of scattered tribes. The young woman is but the druid of a small village, but now she has two godly tasks: to unite all the tribes as their prophet, and to ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero with the power to defeat the invaders. If she fails, her nation will fall.

With fanatical devotion in her heart, Brenna schemes her way to power. Blood reddens her hands, and not all of it is guilty. Her weapon? The religious zealotry of the tribes, a zealotry she inflames. Beneath her own zeal, however, there hides a young soul full of doubt.

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, Brenna must choose between love and country, but unbeknownst to her… Laelia will make that choice too.

The Daughters of Woe (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity—the world is rooted in Ancient Gaul and Antiquity, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. Every page drips with texture, grit and colour based on the ancient Gallic and Mediterranean cultures of Antiquity.

This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction. It is a sombre story of love, faith and nationalism amidst the horrors of war.

Thank you for your consideration.
 

« Last Edit: May 23, 2020, 10:02:45 PM by ArslanArda »

Offline rivergirl

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Re: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2020, 11:32:47 AM »
Brenna has become a druid. I'd add some color to the first sentence. Brenna is her tribe's first druid in a small village struggling to survive blah blah The Gods show her a vision: foreign armies will soon invade her land. The enemy is an empire of marble whilst her land is a decaying realm of scattered tribes. The young woman is but the druid of a small village, this feels repetitive but now she has two godly tasks: to unite all the tribes as their prophet, and to ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero with the power to defeat the invaders. If she fails, her nation will fall.

With fanatical devotion in her heart, Brenna schemes her way to power. Blood reddens her hands, and not all of it is guilty Not all the lives she killed was guilty?. Her weapon? The religious zealotry of the tribes, a zealotry she inflames. Beneath her own zeal, however, there hides a young soul full of doubt. this sort of reads like someone under her charge is innocent. I'd reword. I'd also emphasize more positive characteristics as Brenna doesn't sound very likable. the reader needs someone to root for

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, Brenna must choose between love and country, but unbeknownst to her… Laelia will make that choice too. Great ending

The Daughters of Woe (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity—the world is rooted in Ancient Gaul and Antiquity, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. Every page drips with texture, grit and colour based on the ancient Gallic and Mediterranean cultures of Antiquity.

This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction. It is a sombre story of love, faith and nationalism amidst the horrors of war.

Offline Wolfimoon

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Re: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2020, 06:55:54 PM »
I liked the first sentence or two from your first post as I believe is recorded in Rivergirl's comment. So I'm going to imagine you posted the query below for feedback. Other than really not liking the edit to the first paragraph in the second version, I really like this query.

The day she becomes a druid, Brenna receives a vision from the Gods: a powerful state is invading her nation. It is her task to consolidate her country as its prophet and ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero—her people’s only hope against the invaders.

With fanatical devotion in her heart, Brenna schemes her way to power. Blood reddens her hands, and not all of it is guilty. Her weapon? The religious zealotry of the tribes, a zealotry she inflames. Beneath her own zeal, however, there hides a young soul full of doubt. The "Blood" sentence would, in my opinion, be more powerful after "...a zealotry she inflames." I got confused by the blood followed by fighting via a frame of mind.

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, Brenna must choose between love and country, but unbeknownst to her… Laelia will make that choice too. Not a fan of the ellipsis, but do like what you're trying to do. I'd try either removing it or playing with order and emdashes.

The Daughters of Woe (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity—the world is rooted in Ancient Gaul and Antiquity, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. Every page drips with texture, grit and colour based on the ancient Gallic and Mediterranean cultures of Antiquity. "Every page drips" may turn people off as hyperbold (outside example: 'this is a gripping fantasy' -- of course you, the author, say it is). Maybe tone it down a little but keep the concept of drawing heavily on that culture.

This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction. It is a sombre story of love, faith and nationalism amidst the horrors of war. Cut the "more" and trope-subverting could mean anything so it means little.

Thank you for your consideration.

I'm assuming you'll add a bio paragraph you don't want to post here. Doesn't have to be much. I am giving my real world job. Since you are claiming close ties to history, you might have something you can say to validate that claim.

Offline PharaohBeam

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Re: The Daughters of Woe - High Fantasy
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2020, 07:09:04 AM »
Dear…

Brenna has become a druid. The Gods show her a vision: foreign armies will soon invade her land. The enemy is an empire of marble This is probably just me being ticky, but I’m wondering if this is an empire made of actual marble? Like with stone soldiers? Or is this a metaphor? whilst her land is a decaying realm of scattered tribes. The young woman is but the druid of a small village, but now she has two godly tasks: to unite all the tribes as their prophet, and to ensure the rebirth of an ancient hero with the power to defeat the invaders. If she fails, her nation will fall.

With fanatical devotion in her heart, Brenna schemes her way to power. Blood reddens her hands, and not all of it is guilty. Her weapon? The religious zealotry of the tribes, a zealotry she inflames. Beneath her own zeal, however, there hides a young soul full of doubt. Maybe remove one or two “zeal” words since you have three in a row here

Amidst this doubt, she discovers the identity of the saviour’s mother—Laelia, a noble from the invading state; a noble who is already becoming her lover. But in loving a foreigner, Brenna is betraying her Gods, and in bearing the enemy’s saviour, Laelia is betraying hers. As blood sweeps the land, Brenna must choose between love and country, but unbeknownst to her… Laelia will make that choice too. This last line's good but it seems a little odd to end it on Laelia since the main character is Brenna.


The Daughters of Woe (94 000 words) is a character-driven adult high fantasy grounded in historical authenticity—the world is rooted in Ancient Gaul and Antiquity, and the detailed fictional culture is at the heart of the story. Every page drips with texture, grit and colour based on the ancient Gallic and Mediterranean cultures of Antiquity.

This book will appeal to readers of more realistic, trope-subverting high fantasy, as well as readers of historical fiction. It is a sombre story of love, faith and nationalism amidst the horrors of war.

Thank you for your consideration.
 

Overall, it reads clear.