Author Topic: Untitled Coming-of-Age  (Read 293 times)

Offline Pilfered

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Untitled Coming-of-Age
« on: June 22, 2020, 06:00:04 PM »
Hi everyone. This is the first couple of lines from my young adult coming-of-age novel. There's something wrong but I can't pinpoint what.

Thanks in advance for your honest opinions.

Third period, and we were herded like cattle into the auditorium for a lecture on the dangers of drunk driving. I had a boy’s name, Rowan, and I clenched in my seat trying not to bleed through my underwear like a girl. 

Offline kidquid

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Re: Untitled Coming-of-Age
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2020, 05:48:38 PM »
I think it's good, I already have questions about where it's going! It should make people want to keep reading on to find out.  Hope this helps.

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Untitled Coming-of-Age
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2020, 06:26:09 PM »
Third period, and we were herded like cattle into the auditorium for a lecture on the dangers of drunk driving. I had a boy’s name, Rowan,(this part doesn't fit in this sentence. It seems random. What does her name have to do with the lecture or the situation. It feels like you are squeezing it in to let us know the mc gender. I'd find another way. Otherwise the opening line is engaging and invites the reader to continue. and I clenched in my seat trying not to bleed through my underwear like a girl.

Offline Miss_Madeleine

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Re: Untitled Coming-of-Age
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2020, 07:18:14 PM »
This is already interesting! The sentences do feel a little incomplete. Maybe something like "At third period were were herded like cattle into the auditorium for a lecture on the dangers of drunk driving. I had a boy's name, but I clenched in my seat, desperately trying not to let my period bleed through my underwear and stain the bleachers beneath me." I'm assuming that bleeding is caused by a period, just trying to fill in the gaps.

Offline Michael Smorenburg

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Re: Untitled Coming-of-Age
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2020, 11:18:22 AM »
It *gets* good... the last line is a fabulous mind-spin... "I had a boy’s name, Rowan, and I clenched in my seat trying not to bleed through my underwear like a girl." That is the hook. You have it in nice and early.

I can't help feeling, though, that the first sentence can raise a little higher, can have more quality, to match that excellent juxtapose.

"herded like cattle" is very cliched. I sense that you can do better than that.

"Third period, and we were ...." -- that's a very 'casual' start. It seems more like it comes from deeper into the story where there has been a setup already... but it works very nicely in retrospect with that powerful 2nd sentence.
Again, I sense that you can make that first sentence more jarring.

Well done
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