Author Topic: RILEY'S GUIDE TO GHOST HUNTING - MG Horror/Spooky  (Read 175 times)

Offline julesmar

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« on: August 19, 2020, 10:08:37 AM »
Hey all! My CP and I have reworked this query several times, but I'm hoping to get some feedback on it from readers who are unfamiliar with my book. This is just the story part of the query since I feel more confident about my bio and metadata sections. Any feedback is appreciated! Thank you!

Dear Awesome Agent,

Ever since she saw her first ghost, twelve-year-old Riley Gates has been obsessed with the supernatural. She earns her allowance hiding in Savannah cemeteries, scaring tourists for her parents’ walking tour, and her idol is the host of Paranormal Pioneers, a ghost-hunting show with depressingly low ratings.

Living in the most haunted city in America even makes her lack of friends bearable—after all, a friend would just get in the way of her paranormal investigations, because no one can creep through headstones as stealthily as Riley. But then her parents reveal shocking news: the ghost tour is going under and their family will be moving to Michigan. No one seems to care that Riley’s world is collapsing around her, not her parents or her classmates, and certainly not her ex-best friend turned nemesis, Sarah Clarke.

When it’s revealed that Paranormal Pioneers will be hosting a ghost-hunting tournament in her hometown of Savannah, it looks like all of Riley’s prayers have been answered. Not only does she have it in the bag (after all, she eats, sleeps, and breathes ghosts), but there’s a twenty-five thousand dollar grand prize. The catch? Everyone must compete in teams of two, and the only kid in her class not partnered up is Sarah. If Riley can’t swallow her pride, she’ll be forced to miss out on competing altogether.

Riley and Sarah call a reluctant truce, but as the competition heats up, Riley can’t shake the feeling that Sarah is keeping a secret from her—something that could cause them to lose the tournament… Or their lives.

Offline ericaeliza23

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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2020, 10:47:59 AM »
 I think the first half of the second sentence is a stronger hook than your current opener.
This section could be trimmed down like this:
When it’s revealed that Riley's prayers are answered when theParanormal Pioneers will be host a ghost-hunting tournament in Savannah with a twenty-five thousand dollar grand prize.
It might be helpful to sprinkle in a reference ot the ghosts being real. Riley jumping out from behind tombstones makes it sound like the tour is spooky trickery, but the horror genre makes me think it's real.

Offline mesmer7

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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2020, 01:44:39 PM »
I would omit the first mention of the TV show. We don't care about the show's existence until you mention the contest, and we don't care about its ratings at all.

You mention the family moving to Michigan. Wouldn't that prevent Riley from participating in a competition in Savannah? Or would winning the competition enable the family to stay in Savannah? How do these two story elements affect each other?

Her ex-best friend turned nemesis naturally wouldn't care if she moved out of town. I would omit that sentence and move the introduction of Sarah to after you mention Riley needs a partner.

Offline rivergirl

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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2020, 08:19:24 PM »
I like it. Minor tweaks needed. The mention of a truce does surprise me and Riley’s need to swallow her pride. It comes out of the blue. Mention in there somewhere that the girls are enemies so this makes more sense.