Author Topic: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)  (Read 471 times)

Offline rivergirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1365
  • Karma: 263
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #15 on: October 01, 2020, 06:59:01 AM »
It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .I wish you would be blunter in this first para. There's too much vagueness here to leave the reader trying to figure this out. Maybe: The most ancient of scrolls tell of magical realms, each created by a different deity, thin veils between our world and the world of our dreams. it is said that that an incredibly powerful mage attempted to cross into these realms...

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.(I"m not really sure what this means. Is there a down side to this?)

Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. I would love a quick explanation how these dreams are real. Lucros use to think his nighttimes were just filled with horrific nightmares--until he began to wake up with burns. (something to give the reader a more concrete understanding)

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her. I like that this connects to the first para With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined. This is a great ending and reason to open the book.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel.Never point out inexperience. Without the list of writing credits and awards, it's assumed you're new to writing I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!

Offline RossJMateer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Karma: 0
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2020, 06:12:50 PM »
It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .I wish you would be blunter in this first para. There's too much vagueness here to leave the reader trying to figure this out. Maybe: The most ancient of scrolls tell of magical realms, each created by a different deity, thin veils between our world and the world of our dreams. it is said that that an incredibly powerful mage attempted to cross into these realms...

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.(I"m not really sure what this means. Is there a down side to this?)



Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. I would love a quick explanation how these dreams are real. Lucros use to think his nighttimes were just filled with horrific nightmares--until he began to wake up with burns. (something to give the reader a more concrete understanding)

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her. I like that this connects to the first para With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined. This is a great ending and reason to open the book.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel.Never point out inexperience. Without the list of writing credits and awards, it's assumed you're new to writing I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!





Awesome! Thank you for your response again! Very helpful. I feel I'm pushing the needle forward at least, with your suggestions, I think I'll be even closer! I'll clarify and get a little more to the point. Seems that's all that's missing.  ;D

Offline MyGoodnessPauline-forum

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Karma: 2
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #17 on: November 16, 2020, 07:07:37 AM »
Dear ,

It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes became logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .
Yowza love the worldbuilding here already!  One thought - maybe reorder & connect your third/fourth sentences, a la 'Reals created by separate deities, worshipped by X... (I think you need to briefly clarify who the worshippers are in one word, which will also orient the agents as to who exactly this is about, and right up top.

Now The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. ButThe sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.

Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams are unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams is real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. 
As Lucros tries to find the reason for his nightmares, he is confounded by...

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for the powerful man who took her brother away from her. With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge, one which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, Avian could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined.
Nice overall :) Just a few ideas to streamline it
BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, juggling fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel. I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration! Aww this is sweet :) Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,
Ross J Mateer

Offline RossJMateer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Karma: 0
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #18 on: November 16, 2020, 09:53:48 AM »
Dear ,

It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes became logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .
Yowza love the worldbuilding here already!  One thought - maybe reorder & connect your third/fourth sentences, a la 'Reals created by separate deities, worshipped by X... (I think you need to briefly clarify who the worshippers are in one word, which will also orient the agents as to who exactly this is about, and right up top.

Now The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. ButThe sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.

Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams are unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams is real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. 
As Lucros tries to find the reason for his nightmares, he is confounded by...

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for the powerful man who took her brother away from her. With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge, one which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, Avian could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined.
Nice overall :) Just a few ideas to streamline it
BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, juggling fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel. I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration! Aww this is sweet :) Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,
Ross J Mateer



Thank you so much for you feedback!! Very helpful. I'll definitely integrate your suggestions. I appreciate you taking the time to read and critique my query letter! 

Offline MKWrites_318

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 98
  • Karma: 19
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2020, 10:46:01 AM »
You've gotten a lot of really good advice, and I don't want to muddy the waters, but I'll add one tiny, punctuation note: Take out the comma separating Joe Abercrombie from "and Mark Lawrence."

Good luck in your querying!

Offline RossJMateer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Karma: 0
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2020, 10:51:54 AM »
You've gotten a lot of really good advice, and I don't want to muddy the waters, but I'll add one tiny, punctuation note: Take out the comma separating Joe Abercrombie from "and Mark Lawrence."

Good luck in your querying!



Even the smallest advice is very big to me! Thank you so much! Sometimes the difference between getting an agent and not getting one, can be a misplaced comma haha.

Offline luvtazma

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 92
  • Karma: 35
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2020, 02:52:56 PM »
Hi there! I haven't read the old versions so will just look at the latest and offer any thoughts. I'm no expert and Fantasy isn't my genre, but hopefully some of it is useful! And if not...simply ignore!

Dear ,

It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.
These two paragraphs don't do it for me (and it might just be me!) because there's nobody to root for. Now...if you've got a character whose sister was killed for some mage's selfish sacrifice that didn't even work, well, that I could get behind!

Lucros Andreus is a young man who [/ssuggest you don't need those bits]lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re are filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real.Not sure what this means...are they prophetic? Is he seeing into another world? Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped.

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her.Like the guy in the beginning who was sacrificing siblings? With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. Or, wait? Is she the one sacrificing siblings?A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined.I like this paragraph the best out of all of them because I get a sense of her motivation - she's doing stuff, instead of stuff just happening to her (like with Lucros). But I think we need more specifics - so change her future how? Change her past how? I've suggested some places you could maybe cut to give you more room for specifics about Lucros and Avian - also it would be good for some mention of how the two characters come together so it feels like one story instead of two.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel. I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!

It sounds interesting and Avian sounds like someone I could definitely root for! Hope some of this is helpful - please use what helps and ignore the rest. It's your story, after all! Best of luck with it!

Offline RossJMateer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Karma: 0
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2020, 09:57:42 AM »
Hi there! I haven't read the old versions so will just look at the latest and offer any thoughts. I'm no expert and Fantasy isn't my genre, but hopefully some of it is useful! And if not...simply ignore!

Dear ,

It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.
These two paragraphs don't do it for me (and it might just be me!) because there's nobody to root for. Now...if you've got a character whose sister was killed for some mage's selfish sacrifice that didn't even work, well, that I could get behind!

Lucros Andreus is a young man who [/ssuggest you don't need those bits]lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re are filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real.Not sure what this means...are they prophetic? Is he seeing into another world? Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped.

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her.Like the guy in the beginning who was sacrificing siblings? With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. Or, wait? Is she the one sacrificing siblings?A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined.I like this paragraph the best out of all of them because I get a sense of her motivation - she's doing stuff, instead of stuff just happening to her (like with Lucros). But I think we need more specifics - so change her future how? Change her past how? I've suggested some places you could maybe cut to give you more room for specifics about Lucros and Avian - also it would be good for some mention of how the two characters come together so it feels like one story instead of two.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel. I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!

It sounds interesting and Avian sounds like someone I could definitely root for! Hope some of this is helpful - please use what helps and ignore the rest. It's your story, after all! Best of luck with it!

Thank you so much! I'll be posting an updated query letter soon! Thank you for your suggestions, all of it helps!