Author Topic: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)  (Read 352 times)

Offline rivergirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1334
  • Karma: 259
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #15 on: October 01, 2020, 06:59:01 AM »
It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .I wish you would be blunter in this first para. There's too much vagueness here to leave the reader trying to figure this out. Maybe: The most ancient of scrolls tell of magical realms, each created by a different deity, thin veils between our world and the world of our dreams. it is said that that an incredibly powerful mage attempted to cross into these realms...

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.(I"m not really sure what this means. Is there a down side to this?)

Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. I would love a quick explanation how these dreams are real. Lucros use to think his nighttimes were just filled with horrific nightmares--until he began to wake up with burns. (something to give the reader a more concrete understanding)

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her. I like that this connects to the first para With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined. This is a great ending and reason to open the book.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel.Never point out inexperience. Without the list of writing credits and awards, it's assumed you're new to writing I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!

Offline RossJMateer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 0
Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2020, 06:12:50 PM »
It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .I wish you would be blunter in this first para. There's too much vagueness here to leave the reader trying to figure this out. Maybe: The most ancient of scrolls tell of magical realms, each created by a different deity, thin veils between our world and the world of our dreams. it is said that that an incredibly powerful mage attempted to cross into these realms...

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.(I"m not really sure what this means. Is there a down side to this?)



Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. I would love a quick explanation how these dreams are real. Lucros use to think his nighttimes were just filled with horrific nightmares--until he began to wake up with burns. (something to give the reader a more concrete understanding)

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her. I like that this connects to the first para With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined. This is a great ending and reason to open the book.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel.Never point out inexperience. Without the list of writing credits and awards, it's assumed you're new to writing I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!





Awesome! Thank you for your response again! Very helpful. I feel I'm pushing the needle forward at least, with your suggestions, I think I'll be even closer! I'll clarify and get a little more to the point. Seems that's all that's missing.  ;D