Author Topic: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-*REVISION in replies!!*  (Read 392 times)

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-*REVISION in replies!!*
« on: September 30, 2020, 03:19:00 PM »
Hello all! I am a bit excited to see what you think for this! I previously had it critiqued on another site, and this is a second revision of that before they wrongly banned me, much to my shock. (I've been crying on and off today).

Anyhow, I'm hoping I can get some fresh eyes here and hopefully some support. Please note that although this is a paranormal romance that has a lot more plot than this, the previous people told me to do the query based toward the front of the book, so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.

Here goes!

Dear Agent,

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs.

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack.

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way.

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
She now has a decision to make. Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. And possibly find a love she never thought she would have.

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a paranormal romance complete at 76,500 words. It stands alone with series potential and will appeal to fans of BLOODSTORM: HEART OF A VAMPIRE.
 
I have a bachelor’s degree in English. When I am not reading or writing, I love to be outdoors on a back of a horse.
 
Thank you for your consideration!

 Sincerely,
Lauren Capps


Revision #1, here we go!

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man’s touch. A vampire attack during high school not only scared her from dating but also left her with her own pair of fangs.
 
 Six years later, Calleigh comes across a pack of threatening werewolves, who increases her fear ten-fold as they proceed with their plan to kill but are thwarted when a mysterious vampire comes to the rescue.
 
Tall, amber-eyed and with a dangerously sexy pack of rock-hard abs, Axton is a stunning specimen to behold. Kind and respectful, he seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens her life once more. While recovering from a few werewolf bites, Axton catches her with her human food, and that is when she finds out she is only a half-blood. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way.
 
And her human-blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
 
Calleigh now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she’s attracted to or explore a love she never thought she would have.


So I fixed a few things and added in the clarification for why Axton threatens her life. I'm still trying to find the right wording for it so feel free to pick apart!

As far as more action though, I made a second one but took out the last two paragraphs, and added this instead:

But her half human side is dangerous not only to her, but to the rest of the world. Her sole existence threatens the supernatural barrier that protects the humans from the paranormal world. Each element of nature: fire, water, earth, and air, all proceed to give their warnings, becoming increasingly more dangerous with each one, endangering the world until the threat is sacrificed.

 A race against time ensues as Calleigh becomes that sacrifice for the world.

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a story about overcoming fear, first loves, and dangerous obstacles everywhere you turn. It is complete at 76,500 words and is a standalone with series potential.



Please let me know which one is better and I'll revise that one again! Thank you!!

*Future revisions will be posted in replies so this main post won't get too crowded and confusing, so please scroll below to find them!!*
« Last Edit: October 22, 2020, 08:56:55 AM by SnugglePuggle »

Offline Kjk

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2020, 05:05:11 PM »
Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has good reason to fear the touch of another. a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. a vampire attack while in high school left her with both a fear of dating and a pair of her very own fangs. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs. If it was her first date in high school then maybe mention that cuz that's kind of funny. And it would explain  even more why she no longer wants to  date

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs this isn't my genre but I love the sentence and description :clap:, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack her life. why exactly is he a perfect fit? is it because he's the first vampire that she met is it because he's nice to her

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way. instead of telling  describe him trying to bite her or whatever is in your story to show this twist. For example on one hot and heavy night Aston tried to drain me of all the blood in my body. That's when we both found out I'm only half vampire

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her. this implies that she's been hurt by many men besides her first encounter with the vampire that turned her into half a vampire. You might want to mention that in the beginning
She now has a decision to make. Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. And possibly find a love she never thought she would have the fear of being eaten makes her want to run but aston's rock hard abs makes her want to stay. or something like that. Also is she learning more about being a vampire from Aston. Does he offer to turn her into a full vampire. I think the is very interesting . I also think mentioning his rock hard ABS is really funny. I'm also curious about what happened on the other website where you got kicked off. Also I'm not an expert at queries. I have one that I just posted on here as well. Please feel free to take my advice or or not
« Last Edit: September 30, 2020, 05:10:19 PM by Kjk »

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2020, 06:18:19 PM »
Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. This is a good opener but a tad clunky. Consider: Twenty-three-year old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man's touch. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs. :clap:

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack. What does this mean? Why would Axton attack Calleigh if she's a vampire?

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. I think I"d explain this above to keep the agent from having to re-read a sentence trying to figure out what i was trying to figure out above. Be blunt from the beginning According to Axton, the vampire from her high school years was unable to turn her the whole way.

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
She now has a decision to make.(no comma here) Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. At first read and for a split second, run to me meant literally run. Stupid i know, but that's what I read. Consider: She now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she's attracted to or explore a love she never thought she'd have And possibly find a love she never thought she would have.

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a paranormal romance complete at 76,500 words. It stands alone with series potential and will appeal to fans of BLOODSTORM: HEART OF A VAMPIRE.
 
I have a bachelor’s degree in English. Hopefully this will be an advantage for you! When I am not reading or writing, I love to be outdoors on athe back of a horse.
 
Thank you for your consideration!

This is great. I do think you have an uphill battle pushing another vampire story, but this got me excited.

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2020, 09:15:43 PM »
Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has good reason to fear the touch of another. a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. a vampire attack while in high school left her with both a fear of dating and a pair of her very own fangs. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs. If it was her first date in high school then maybe mention that cuz that's kind of funny. And it would explain  even more why she no longer wants to  date

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs this isn't my genre but I love the sentence and description :clap:, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack her life. why exactly is he a perfect fit? is it because he's the first vampire that she met is it because he's nice to her

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way. instead of telling  describe him trying to bite her or whatever is in your story to show this twist. For example on one hot and heavy night Aston tried to drain me of all the blood in my body. That's when we both found out I'm only half vampire

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her. this implies that she's been hurt by many men besides her first encounter with the vampire that turned her into half a vampire. You might want to mention that in the beginning
She now has a decision to make. Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. And possibly find a love she never thought she would have the fear of being eaten makes her want to run but aston's rock hard abs makes her want to stay. or something like that. Also is she learning more about being a vampire from Aston. Does he offer to turn her into a full vampire. I think the is very interesting . I also think mentioning his rock hard ABS is really funny. I'm also curious about what happened on the other website where you got kicked off. Also I'm not an expert at queries. I have one that I just posted on here as well. Please feel free to take my advice or or not

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate the help! One of the things that was lacking in my last tries was not enough description so I added in more so I love that you like his abs haha! And I'll definitely incorporate your suggestions too where I think they will help-like I didn't think to add in that she's been hurt than more than one toward the beginning of the query-that will help a lot!

As for being kicked out, I know others from that site mosey around here so I don't want to be too descriptive but long story short, an admin locked my post. When I messaged her asking why, she said I "didn't read the stickies" among a slew of other stuff that I had mostly not done at all, on top of saying that "my query wasn't in standard English"....which really made me confused because I can only speak and write English-I can barely say a sentence in Spanish yet alone write any other language so I explained that some of her accusations were wrong, and asked if she would please unlock my post.

I waited for her answer, and I got it 12 hours later when she banned me from the site for a MONTH saying that she won't discuss it further with me, and "you can read in the meantime". If I wanted to discuss it with the siteowner, then go ahead.

I was shocked and confused but quite astounded that she would do that. I go look for the site owner but being banned, it won't let me find his username. So, I was like, I'll make a second account so I can find his communication. I sign up, but then they say admin has to look at registration or whatever so I'm not allowed to send messages or post yet. Dang.

That's when I find the "contact us" button on the site so I send a message to the owner.

I wake up this morning, no email back. Wait for a few hours and then I come back to the site and they say "we don't allow sock puppoting. Get off my server" and "date ban is over: never." Meaning I'm permanently banned!

I started crying then after the shock wore off. I still can't believe it. I never tried to be deceptive. I was just trying to find the owner like she said I could but she never gave me any of his info. I sent another message after but still no reply so not only did I lose a great writing resource based on their horrible treatment but I have a sour taste in my mouth because of it. It sucks.

Anyhow, that's the gist of it.

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2020, 09:22:31 PM »
Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. This is a good opener but a tad clunky. Consider: Twenty-three-year old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man's touch. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs. :clap:

Ah, I see that I've added a bit too much in places. Good catch!

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack. What does this mean? Why would Axton attack Calleigh if she's a vampire?

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. I think I"d explain this above to keep the agent from having to re-read a sentence trying to figure out what i was trying to figure out above. Be blunt from the beginning According to Axton, the vampire from her high school years was unable to turn her the whole way.

Oh ok, I can see that! I'll put the explanation upward like you said so the agent won't be confused.

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
She now has a decision to make.(no comma here) Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. At first read and for a split second, run to me meant literally run. Stupid i know, but that's what I read. Consider: She now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she's attracted to or explore a love she never thought she'd have And possibly find a love she never thought she would have.

OMG thank you! I've been struggling with this last sentence and that helps so much!

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a paranormal romance complete at 76,500 words. It stands alone with series potential and will appeal to fans of BLOODSTORM: HEART OF A VAMPIRE.
 
I have a bachelor’s degree in English. Hopefully this will be an advantage for you! When I am not reading or writing, I love to be outdoors on athe back of a horse.
 
Thank you for your consideration!

This is great. I do think you have an uphill battle pushing another vampire story, but this got me excited.

Thank you so much!! I know the vampire books is a bit saturated but back when it was starting to hit off with TWILIGHT, I was just a teeny sophomore in high school and didn't have the time to put a lot of focus into my writing. Now that I'm older I can. I did some research and saw paranormal romance is still big, but you just need to have a fresh twist on it, and I think I can do that  :) and you made my night, I'm so happy you think it's good and that it made you excited!! Thank you!! I'll add in some changes from the help I got here and post a revision soon!

Offline MKWrites_318

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2020, 07:13:42 AM »
I agree with the advice you've gotten from Kjk and rivergirl. I would add:

1. I've never seen someone described as having "a pair of abs." Since defined abs typically come in sets of six or eight, that seemed a little odd to me.

2. Helpers on the other site told you to leave out the action and focus on the romance, and that's fair for a romance novel since the love story and happy ending have to be the main plot, but if the action subplot of the story is substantial, I do think you could condense what you have here enough to include a few more of the thrilling aspects of the tale to add to the intrigue and show what makes your vampire novel original. But you know your story and if this is the best summation, stick with this.

Good luck!

Offline jcwrites

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2020, 07:31:07 AM »

...so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.


A query should be ten sentences on one page that focus on the main character. Who is she, what does she want, what's stopping her, what does she plan to do about it, and what are the consequences of failure?

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2020, 08:43:49 AM »

...so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.


A query should be ten sentences on one page that focus on the main character. Who is she, what does she want, what's stopping her, what does she plan to do about it, and what are the consequences of failure?

Yes, but that's more of the regular query. Mine is focusing on the first part of the book, and does cover some of those questions but it's more of a teaser query than a regular one. I had on my previous revisions that touched more on all those questions, but the helpers said to condense it and that's where I am now with this one.  :)

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2020, 08:47:39 AM »
I agree with the advice you've gotten from Kjk and rivergirl. I would add:

1. I've never seen someone described as having "a pair of abs." Since defined abs typically come in sets of six or eight, that seemed a little odd to me.

2. Helpers on the other site told you to leave out the action and focus on the romance, and that's fair for a romance novel since the love story and happy ending have to be the main plot, but if the action subplot of the story is substantial, I do think you could condense what you have here enough to include a few more of the thrilling aspects of the tale to add to the intrigue and show what makes your vampire novel original. But you know your story and if this is the best summation, stick with this.

Good luck!

Ah, I didn't catch that first one. Thank you!

I did put in the action with the previous revisions, and it was a bit of a jungle gym as I had people from everywhere asking what was going on and why this and why that and basically if I tried to fix everything it would've turned into a synopsis and not a query. One said to focus more on the front part of the book, and that helped condense it so it flowed smoother. And what really helped me is that one person said I don't have to use everyone's suggestions, but to find what I think will work and fix that- and that I know my book best. It doesn't have to follow everyone's rules, and if it works, it works.

But with that said, I'll try to see if I can incorporate a little action into this one. If I don't feel comfortable with it then I'll scrap it. I feel pretty good about this one, so once I spruce it up, I'll slowly start sending out a query or two and see how it does.

Thanks for the help!

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2020, 03:24:43 PM »
Hi all! I've put up a revision above if you want to check it out!  ;D

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2020, 09:57:11 AM »
Bump

Offline msluna

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2020, 02:08:50 PM »
I think you can simplify this. I've learned the hard way that although you're tempted to put in all those juicy details, the agent doesn't care when it comes to a query letter. Quite often, less is more in a query.  Leave the juicy details to the story itself.

Quote
Revision #1, here we go!

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man’s touch. A vampire attack during high school not only scared her from dating but also left her with her own pair of fangs.

 Six years later, Calleigh comes across a pack of threatening werewolves, who increases her fear ten-fold as they proceed with their plan to kill but are thwarted when a mysterious vampire comes to the rescue.

 
When a tall, amber-eyed vampire with rock-hard abs rescues her from a werewolf attack, her resolve is weakened. Axton is the perfect (get rid of seems) fit to help her break free of her fear. That is, until his affinity for her blood threatens her life. Unbeknownst to Calleigh, she's a half-blood.
 
And her human-blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that doesn't want to hurt her for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
 
Calleigh now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she’s attracted to or explore a love she never thought she would have.



Offline rivergirl

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2020, 07:05:20 PM »
Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man’s touch. A vampire attack during high school not only scared her from dating but also left her with her own pair of fangs. great so far
 
 Six years later, Calleigh comes across a pack of threatening werewolves, who increases her fear ten-fold as they proceed this statement feels off to me because it suggests she had a prior fear of werewolves when the reader is just learning of them. make sense? because with their plan to kill but are thwarted when a mysterious vampire comes to the rescue. This is reading a tad flat. Put some emotion in here. Calleigh is astonished to learn that she is not the only "mythical" creature on the block
 
Tall, amber-eyed and with a dangerously sexy pack of rock-hard abs, Axton is a stunning specimen to behold. nice voice Kind and respectful, he seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens her life once more. While recovering from a few werewolf bites, Axton catches her with her human food, and that is when she finds out she is only a half-blood. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way. emotion and more voice please. While recovering from her werewolf injuries, Calleigh is shocked to find her life in danger once again... Her "perfect" man wants to sink his own teeth in her. It's only then Calleigh realizes she's only half-monster
 
And her human-blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
 
Calleigh now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she’s attracted to or explore a love she never thought she would have.


So I fixed a few things and added in the clarification for why Axton threatens her life. I'm still trying to find the right wording for it so feel free to pick apart!

As far as more action though, I made a second one but took out the last two paragraphs, and added this instead:

But her half human side is dangerous not only to her, but to the rest of the world. Her sole existence threatens the supernatural barrier that protects the humans from the paranormal world. Each element of nature: fire, water, earth, and air, all proceed to give their warnings, becoming increasingly more dangerous with each one, endangering the world until the threat is sacrificed.

 A race against time ensues as Calleigh becomes that sacrifice for the world. wow, this sounds like a completely different book with this version. Since your market is romance I'd probably go with the one above

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a story about overcoming fear, first loves, and dangerous obstacles everywhere you turn. It is complete at 76,500 words and is a standalone with series potential.

You are getting closer!

Offline Vishaka

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2020, 07:49:36 AM »
Hello all! I am a bit excited to see what you think for this! I previously had it critiqued on another site, and this is a second revision of that before they wrongly banned me, much to my shock. (I've been crying on and off today).

Anyhow, I'm hoping I can get some fresh eyes here and hopefully some support. Please note that although this is a paranormal romance that has a lot more plot than this, the previous people told me to do the query based toward the front of the book, so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.

Here goes!

Dear Agent,

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs.

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack.

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way.

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
She now has a decision to make. Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. And possibly find a love she never thought she would have.

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a paranormal romance complete at 76,500 words. It stands alone with series potential and will appeal to fans of BLOODSTORM: HEART OF A VAMPIRE.
 
I have a bachelor’s degree in English. When I am not reading or writing, I love to be outdoors on a back of a horse.
 
Thank you for your consideration!

 Sincerely,
Lauren Capps


Revision #1, here we go!

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man’s touch. Lol i don't know why but this implies to me that others don't have a reason but fearing a mans touch is the norm A vampire attack during high school not only scarred her from dating but also left her with her own pair of fangs.
 interesting, but if this is backstory, I would love to hear about it woven in
 Six years later, after a vampire attack in high school left her scarred and fanged, Calleigh comes across a pack of threatening werewolves, who increases her fear ten-fold as they proceed with their plan to kill but are thwarted when a mysterious vampire comes to the rescue.
 
Tall, amber-eyed and with a dangerously sexy pack of rock-hard abs, Axton is a stunning specimen to behold. Kind and respectful, he seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens her life once more. Sorry, I'm confused. if she is human, why does she have her own fangs? how do vampires get made then, if she is a half-blood?While recovering from a few werewolf bites, Axton catches her with her human food, and that is when she finds out she is only a half-blood. According to Axton, the vampire was unable to turn her the whole way. why was he unable? I think this would be helpful to know the rules of half-bloods, vampires and turning
 
And her human-blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
 
Calleigh now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she’s attracted to or explore a love she never thought she would have.


So I fixed a few things and added in the clarification for why Axton threatens her life. I'm still trying to find the right wording for it so feel free to pick apart!

As far as more action though, I made a second one but took out the last two paragraphs, and added this instead:

But her half human side is dangerous not only to her, but to the rest of the world. Her sole existence threatens the supernatural barrier that protects the humans from the paranormal world. Each element of nature: fire, water, earth, and air, all proceed to give their warnings, becoming increasingly more dangerous with each one, endangering the world until the threat is sacrificed.

 A race against time ensues as Calleigh becomes that sacrifice for the world.

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a story about overcoming fear, first loves, and dangerous obstacles everywhere you turn. It is complete at 76,500 words and is a standalone with series potential.


Please let me know which one is better and I'll revise that one again! Thank you!!

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance-REVISED!
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2020, 12:07:21 PM »
I think you can simplify this. I've learned the hard way that although you're tempted to put in all those juicy details, the agent doesn't care when it comes to a query letter. Quite often, less is more in a query.  Leave the juicy details to the story itself.

Quote
Revision #1, here we go!

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man’s touch. A vampire attack during high school not only scared her from dating but also left her with her own pair of fangs.

 Six years later, Calleigh comes across a pack of threatening werewolves, who increases her fear ten-fold as they proceed with their plan to kill but are thwarted when a mysterious vampire comes to the rescue.

 
When a tall, amber-eyed vampire with rock-hard abs rescues her from a werewolf attack, her resolve is weakened. Axton is the perfect (get rid of seems) fit to help her break free of her fear. That is, until his affinity for her blood threatens her life. Unbeknownst to Calleigh, she's a half-blood.
 
And her human-blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that doesn't want to hurt her for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
 
Calleigh now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she’s attracted to or explore a love she never thought she would have.



Oh really? Huh I've been made to think I have to put more and more so that's new but I'll keep it in mind! And thanks for the wording suggestions, they sound a lot better!!