Author Topic: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version - 10/19  (Read 596 times)

Offline rivergirl

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Re: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2020, 07:15:21 PM »
Hmmm, thinking...

I can see your worries. I think "even the hitman hired to kill the robbers," works but I'm afraid the reader is automatically going to assume it's Gail who did the hiring anyway. I wouldn't muddy the waters and explain who does the hiring.

Offline mikepellegrini

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Re: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2020, 08:12:43 PM »
Yeah, cool.  Thanks.

The way the hitmen thing plays out, the reader won't be disappointed.  It's a sort of "misdirection" as opposed to a lie, and I think that's gotta be ok.

Offline JasonHamilton21

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Re: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version
« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2020, 10:39:58 PM »
Buddy, you're makin this way too hard on yourself. Do this. Simply write a letter from one fan to another. At first don't include any tidbits about your story whatsoever. Just title, genre, word count, what drew you to the agent and why you think you're ready. All they want to know about your story will be in your blurb which you want separate for the moment. Just tell them who you are. Then, thank them for reading your query and attach your blurb. If you have to add your story points in with your 'standard business letter format', keep it to a minimum. Good luck bud. Lookin forward to seeing you kick butt.
Jason

Offline inkwitch

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Re: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2020, 09:25:07 AM »
I'm having another go at this.  Thanks in advance for any critical help you can give.  :clap:  275 words. 

R E V I S E D    9-20-20


DearMs.

What if it turns out your dream girl is tragically flawed? 

It's 1974 and Mark Roosevelt's twenty-two, a gifted, aspiring rock musician with ambitions of making it big. Life’s great but he’s missing two very important things: a band to play with and his old flame, Gail Loughlin. 

A chronic overachiever, Gail’s smart as sh**, highly motivated and can drink almost anyone under the table. When Mark finally hooks up with her and finds out she’s dealing weed, he’s in seventh heaven – Gail’s got big plans for her weed business and she’s taking Mark along for the ride. Exciting. I can't honestly say I've read many of these.

Caught up in the excitement of being with Gail, as well as making big bucks for the first time in his life, Mark’s musical goals get left by the wayside. Not everything's rosy, though. He can cope with the robbers crashing through the door, ripping them off at gunpoint, and even the hitmen Gail’s contact hires hired to find and kill the robbers. He can even put up with the constant threat of being busted and hauled off to prison. i wish i had a clearer idea of how he's coping with these and also if these are mounting pressures. But this could just be me But not Gail’s drinking.

As their business grows and pressures build, Gail’s drinking gets out of control. The night of their biggest deal ever, Gail goes on a huge bender and their relationship reaches the breaking point. I'd like to know specifically how this affects her business and their relationship, if she's always unreliable Mark’s faced with a desperate choice: walk away from the woman he loves and the business they’ve built, or come up with a way to get her to stop drinking.
I feel oddly like the story really starts here, but I know it's not. I'd just like to feel like this is the dramatic question

Complete at 95,000-words, LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN is a commercial novel about sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll, OMy please put this upfront, I love it set in Monterey, California. It’s a standalone, the first of a three-book series.

Thanks for your consideration.

I hope this helped you along your journey. All the best. I would love to read such a cool, exciting book at some point. Hope you get published soon.

Offline mikepellegrini

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Re: LOOK OUT THE CANDYMAN - Commercial novel - first post is revised version
« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2020, 06:30:13 PM »
Thanks the both of you for your comments.

Stress and its effects are almost always cumulative. The mounting pressures are laid out in paragraph 3 - being robbed at gunpoint; hitmen and the ever present threat of getting caught and thrown in jail.  Mark copes with this alright, but Gail's drinking episodes finally push him over the top.

Ever seen the bumper sticker, "Instant asshole, just add alcohol?" That's Gail. And not only is the stress from Gail's episodes cumulative, but her disease is progressive - gets worse incrementally - and the progression is the straw that finally breaks Mark's back.

This is (I believe) strongly inferred from what I wrote.  I'm not sure how you'd say it better/differently within the constraints of the 250-275 word limit.

The way her alcoholism affects their business is that it's tough to work with someone who's actively drinking - the arrogance/ego/assholish behavior makes it hard to coexist.  When not drinking, Gail is rock solid - which is most of the time.    It's just the periodic binges.

The other consideration is that if Mark leaves her, he leaves the business - it is hers after all.  Mark's on unemployment so he has some outside income, but it's nothing compared to what he's making, dealing weed with Gail.

Offline mikepellegrini

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Revised query in the first post - 10/18/20.

Offline JasonHamilton21

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Much, much better brother. I think you're on it. Btw..no bs...mentioning it's the first of a series at this point could be a huge mistake. There are agents who disqualify on this because it usually means your first won't stand alone well. Just research that stuff out. I may be wrong.
Jason