Author Topic: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised! x2!!  (Read 344 times)

Offline roree_r

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Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised! x2!!
« on: October 01, 2020, 09:02:32 AM »
Focused on edits for a while and have now returned for take three! Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. I'd love to know what you think of this revision too.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learns how to perform the rites that prevent wayward souls from returning, dooming the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld. She and her classmates are barred from communicating with those outside the seminary. To Andromache, such a sacred duty is worth renouncing all else to complete.

But when she is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, Andromache begins to chafe against her isolation. Love blossoms quickly in the stolen moments they share. So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed, Andromache knows she cannot accept it. The solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone.

She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Hoping to exchange one soul for another, Andromache abducts famed and beloved young medic Florizel Regas. But Florizel is not the hero his reputation suggests. As the delicate balance between Upper and Underworld becomes frayed, Andromache finds herself questioning whether Death will even want him.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As her former classmates, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to sacrifice for another moment with someone she loves.

Numberless as Birds is an 81,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It would appeal to fans of A House of Salt and Sorrows and The Surface Breaks.  It is a standalone with series potential.


Thank you so much to rivergirl, MKwrites, snugglepuggle and Eroux for your feedback! I really appreciate it and it was incredibly helpful. Here's a revised version - hopefully it's clearer/better. Any feedback on this would be amazing as well  :)

Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would correct any abnormalities and doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld. All outside contact is forbidden. Holy duties demand sacrifice, after all.

But when Andromache is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, she begins to chafe against her isolation. They speak in stolen moments, and she finds any excuse to continue showing him the way. Love is a strange and stunning thing to experience for the first time. So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed, she knows she cannot accept it. The solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Andromache abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping Death will exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. As the delicate balance between Upper and Underworld becomes frayed, Andromache finds herself questioning whether Death will even want him.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As her former classmates, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It would appeal to fans of ‘A House of Salt and Sorrows’ and ‘The Surface Breaks.’ It is a standalone with series potential.


Andromache used to despise the necromancers.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. 

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it.

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2020, 07:21:01 AM by roree_r »

Offline SnugglePuggle

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2020, 09:29:46 AM »
Hi everyone,
New here (and to querying!) Would really appreciate any and all feedback  :) :)

Dear Agent,
Andromache used to despise the necromancers. -Why? Did they attack her or her family? Might want to explain more.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete.  I like this sentence! Good description.

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it.

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves. This last sentence reads a bit weird to me. Who are the Atroposes? Why do they want her? And maybe try this: As the Atroposes close in, Andromache must decide what she is willing to exchange for...etc etc. Just my thoughts but you don't have to use it if you don't want too :)

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential. Is there another work or author that is similar to you? Some agents like that to be put here.

Hi! Welcome to QT! Although this type of fantasy is not my cup of tea, it definitely got me intrigued! There are a few ways you could maybe expand more so that the agent can understand it clearer. I'm not sure how to explain it but as I read, I was still trying to get a gist of what was going on, if you get what I mean? But overall it was good, and you touch on the main characters wants and the risk to get it. But of course, you don't always have to use all the suggestions. Good luck!

Offline MKWrites_318

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2020, 09:36:25 AM »
Quote
Andromache used to despise the necromancers. If you're going to do a single sentence here, I would start with more of a hook.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. I would combine this with the previous paragraph.

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it. This sentence confused me. I didn't know if the "it" was the tragedy or the potential of a future with Emrys. The next paragraph indicates that Emrys was killed and that's what you're talking about, but I would say that outright. Don't leave room for confusion with a query.

She is searching for a necromancer (I'm assuming that necromancers don't merely communicate with the dead but raise them too?) when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back. I thought Emrys was a girl until this moment. You might want to clarify his gender earlier.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, She abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to Death will exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred. I feel like this can be shortened somehow, but without knowing your story, I don't want to take too many liberties.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, (I would use a more familiar word here) bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.

Obviously, my suggestions are just suggestions. Don't take anything that you don't respond to.

While it's not too long, there are too many paragraphs. I would do about half as many paragraphs, if you can. And I'm not sure her hatred of necromancers is worth mentioning, unless you also explain how they contrast with her role as a seminarian. Make sure you include a bit of a bio - don't worry about posting it on this site though.

I LOVE the idea of a feminist Orpheus. Good luck!

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2020, 09:55:08 PM »
Dear Agent,
Andromache used to despise the necromancers. (Agree with the others to use a stronger hook)

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. 

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. What is she risking?? this sentence is confusing to me. After a re-read, I'm assuming she's attracted to him? Spell this out And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it. Accept what? Spell out that he gets killed. I"m having to surmise here

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. My issue with this sentence is timing. This has to make sense. Is she searching for a necromancer while simultaneouly watching her classmates perform a ritual?Also I'd explain that her classmates are only doing their duty. Its coming across as sinister. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, The pain does not make sense from the information we have so far. She saw him coming through the gates and now is deeply in love? Of course we can surmise more but imo this needs to be spelled out. They secretly bond blah blah blah and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey two back to back "sentences" beginning with contractions. I'd be sparing, also you tell us that the MC wants to die, but then in the next sentence state that, "But Florizel in not quite the saint..." the use of "But" suggests her quest to die fails, but furthermore confuses me with his saintliness when he's going to the underworld (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice)don't understand this at all, the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes Instead of using another name that is meaningless to the reader, I'd be more generic. For example: As the underworld guards close in..., bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves. Great ending. I can see this story being in the YA section of Barnes and Noble. Get this query cleaned up and you should get some nibbles

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2020, 09:57:41 PM by rivergirl »

Offline eroux

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2020, 12:30:40 PM »
Andromache used to despise the necromancers.
I think you should work this in elsewhere and start with the next paragraph, which sets up your story nicely. The "Death in Diaene is not always permanent" part is a better hook than this.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

I would include this sentence in the preceding paragraph. It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. 

But when overzealous fruit vendor love that! and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes vague. what happens? does Emrys die?, she knows she cannot accept it.

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside with banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice) <--I don't understand what this means, the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes are those the girls she grew up with?, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.

This is an intriguing premise! I would try to get it into three or four longer paragraphs instead of ten short ones. Good luck!

Offline Kimmy

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2020, 08:08:37 PM »
Hi and best of luck to you! I find less is more with queries. You want to grab their attention fast and make them interested in reading more. See below for my suggestions to tighten it and make it attention grabbing:


Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld. All outside contact is forbidden. Holy duties demand sacrifice, after all.

But when Andromache is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, she begins to chafe against her isolation as they fall in love. So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed, she knows she cannot accept it. The solution seems as obvious as it is impossible.

She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Hoping to exchange one soul for another, Andromache abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, but there's just one problem--Death doesn't want him.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It would appeal to fans of ‘A House of Salt and Sorrows’ and ‘The Surface Breaks.’ It is a standalone with series potential.

[/s]
Kimmy :)

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Offline Kjk

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2020, 01:06:05 AM »
Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform sacred and powerful the rites: that would the ability to correct any abnormalitiesy, and how to doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld and/or (add something else like resurrect the dead). While she learns these ancient secrets All outside contact is forbidden. After all Holy duties demand sacrifice, after all.

Even though she is determined to master her lessons alone, But when Andromache begins to question her isolation after she is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, she begins to chafe against her isolation. They speak in stolen moments, and she finds any excuse to continue showing him the way. I might mention more directly here that they are falling in love. I like the stolen moment line but I would elaborate with more detail. Mention that love is blossoming between them or something. Love is a strange and stunning thing to experience for the first time. Just when love was blossoming (or something like that)So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed,.  she knows she cannot accept it his death, . The solution seems as both obvious as it is and impossible. She cannot  Unwilling to accept his death and leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone., She must journey to the Underworld and get him back. Very cool.

Andromache knows that Death will only trade Emrys for someone more worthy. Desperate to rescue her lost love, she abducts the famous and (maybe include another characteristic like charismatic) medic  Florizel Regas, hoping Death will exchange him for her lost love. very compelling But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests and may not be worthy enough for the exchange. When does she start to realize this. Maybe include as she travels the circles of hell etc. As the delicate balance between Upper and Underworld becomes frayed, Andromache finds herself questioning whether Death will even want him.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As her former classmates, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It would appeal to fans of ‘A House of Salt and Sorrows’ and ‘The Surface Breaks.’ It is a standalone with series potential.


You have a really cool story. The suggestions I made are just that. Feel free to take or leave them.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2020, 01:09:18 AM by Kjk »

Offline eroux

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2020, 07:11:20 PM »
Awww yeah! Well done! This is much tighter and I get a better sense of the plot reading this query.

One thing does confuse me a little: "the rites that would correct any abnormalities and doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld" Could this be reworded to make it more explicit?  I'm not sure what you mean by abnormalities.

Great job, and good luck querying!

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2020, 07:01:47 PM »
Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would correct any abnormalities everything is great until this point. I've read and re-read and I don't understand. Consider re-wording the last part of this sentence and doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld. All outside (outside the seminary or does she have access to the underworld? contact is forbidden. Holy duties demand sacrifice, after all.

But when Andromache is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, she begins to chafe against her isolation. They speak in stolen moments, and she finds any excuse to continue showing him the way. to keep showing him the way where? to the kitchen? Love is a strange and stunning thing to experience for the first time. So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed, she knows she cannot accept it. The solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back. Juicy!

Andromache abducts famous medic comma Florizel Regas, hoping Death will exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. As the delicate balance between Upper and Underworld becomes frayed, Andromache finds herself questioning whether Death will even want him.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As her former classmates, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.


NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It would appeal to fans of ‘A House of Salt and Sorrows’ and ‘The Surface Breaks.’ Titles should be in italics It is a standalone with series potential.

Offline inkwitch

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2020, 01:48:48 AM »
Thank you so much to rivergirl, MKwrites, snugglepuggle and Eroux for your feedback! I really appreciate it and it was incredibly helpful. Here's a revised version - hopefully it's clearer/better. Any feedback on this would be amazing as well  :)

Death in Diaene is not always permanent. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would correct any abnormalities and It might help to be clearer that the doom is also avoided...I don't get that feeling when I read it. Maybe say "correct any abnormalities or doom". doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld. All outside contact is forbidden. Holy duties demand sacrifice, after all. I would want to know why this sacrifice is necessary. Also, What happens if she comes into contact with them?

But when Andromache is tasked with directing overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys to the seminary’s kitchen, she begins to chafe against her isolation. I like this. Also, I got the impression that the fruit vendor was separate from the poet. Maybe say Emrys, overzealous... They speak in stolen moments, and she finds any excuse to continue showing him the way. Love is a strange and stunning thing to experience for the first time. So when tragedy strikes and Emrys is killed, she knows she cannot accept it. The solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back. I'm a little confused here .Was her job not bringing them out of the doom of the Underworld? Maybe I'm wrong. Also, a little more specificity on the rules of the person and world would help

Andromache abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping Death will exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. As the delicate balance between Upper and Underworld becomes frayed, cool: i get a good senseof what's at stake if she carries out her task. Andromache finds herself questioning whether Death will even want him.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As her former classmates, This feels a bit sudden. I was under the impression she had no human contact. bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. love It would appeal to fans of ‘A House of Salt and Sorrows’ and ‘The Surface Breaks.’ It is a standalone with series potential.

hope this helps.


Andromache used to despise the necromancers.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. 

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it.

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.


Offline roree_r

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Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy - Revised!
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2020, 07:14:07 AM »
Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! It was super helpful!