Author Topic: Moonbeam. Query for review. A new revision 15/11 please scroll to the end.  (Read 1507 times)

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #30 on: September 02, 2021, 06:10:28 PM »
I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime novel, complete at 78,800 words. Having had a close look at your web page, I feel this may be a good fit for you based on your interest in ___.

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller raping a fourteen-year-old girl. During the fight the gun which Eddie pulls goes off, fatally wounding him. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him. To be honest this is reading a bit clunky to me--like bullet points with no emotion. Maybe: When Danny Jones prevents the rape of a fourteen-year-old girl, he's ill to realize he accidentally killed celebrity coke-dealer.. With blood on his hands and nothing to lose, Danny grabs the dealer's pile of cash and hopes it all goes away. But he soon learns that dealer's brother, Ralph Teller, is frothing for revenge and hunting him down. Fearing for his life, Danny takes his stolen cash and disappears.

Four years later, in a quiet Welsh seaside town, Danny is content to just fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But when he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he discovers he wants more. We've gone from he wants more to Megan posting a picture. A transition is needed A picture she posts on Facebook inadvertently reveals his whereabouts and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Halfway to Ireland he realises Megan means too much to him to leave her behind, let alone leave her in danger. He turns his boat, Moonbeam and returns, only to find Teller’s henchmen already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen at the bottom of the Irish Sea, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph and brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. Danny does have one advantage though; his SAS training. the sas training is too random. either delete or incorporate in the first para. The second and third para can be made even better by adding some emotion. I hope my comments were helpful. you are getting close!

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop, and maybe even make a profit.
The economical writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plant and Jo Nesbo.

I grew up in London and have been an antique dealer, a car dealer, an addict and a parent. Having found recovery, I became an addiction therapist. Now retired, I live in rural Devon and focus on writing.

Please find attachments as per your guidelines.

Thank you for your consideration.

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 15/11
« Reply #31 on: September 03, 2021, 12:52:39 AM »
I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime novel, complete at 78,800 words. Having had a close look at your web page, I feel this may be a good fit for you based on your interest in ___.

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller raping a fourteen-year-old girl. During the fight the gun which Eddie pulls goes off, fatally wounding him. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him. To be honest this is reading a bit clunky to me--like bullet points with no emotion. Maybe: When Danny Jones prevents the rape of a fourteen-year-old girl, he's ill to realize he accidentally killed celebrity coke-dealer.. With blood on his hands and nothing to lose, Danny grabs the dealer's pile of cash and hopes it all goes away. But he soon learns that dealer's brother, Ralph Teller, is frothing for revenge and hunting him down. Fearing for his life, Danny takes his stolen cash and disappears.

Four years later, in a quiet Welsh seaside town, Danny is content to just fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But when he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he discovers he wants more. We've gone from he wants more to Megan posting a picture. A transition is needed A picture she posts on Facebook inadvertently reveals his whereabouts and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Halfway to Ireland he realises Megan means too much to him to leave her behind, let alone leave her in danger. He turns his boat, Moonbeam and returns, only to find Teller’s henchmen already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen at the bottom of the Irish Sea, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph and brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. Danny does have one advantage though; his SAS training. the sas training is too random. either delete or incorporate in the first para. The second and third para can be made even better by adding some emotion. I hope my comments were helpful. you are getting close!

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop, and maybe even make a profit.
The economical writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plant and Jo Nesbo.

I grew up in London and have been an antique dealer, a car dealer, an addict and a parent. Having found recovery, I became an addiction therapist. Now retired, I live in rural Devon and focus on writing.

Please find attachments as per your guidelines.

Thank you for your consideration.

Thank you Rivergirl. Some more good points. I will continue to work on this. stand by for a revision.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2021, 08:08:14 AM by DaggilarrF »

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #32 on: September 03, 2021, 03:07:55 AM »

Please scroll to the end of the thread to see the most recent edit.

This is where I am with this now.

Dear ……

I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a Contemporary Crime Thriller, complete at 78,800 words. Having had a close look at your web page, I feel this may be a good fit for you. (I realise I may need to do more here)

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. Eddie pulls a gun, but is no match for SAS trained Danny. The gun goes off and Eddie dies. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running, not only from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him, but from the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.

Four years later, in a quiet Welsh seaside town, Danny is content to just fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But when he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he discovers he wants more. However, a picture she posts on Facebook inadvertently reveals his whereabouts and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Halfway to Ireland he realises Megan means too much to him to leave her behind, let alone leave her in danger. He turns his boat, Moonbeam around and returns, only to find Teller’s henchmen already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen at the bottom of the Irish Sea, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph and brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop, and maybe even make a profit.

The economical writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plante and Jo Nesbo. (and more here)

I grew up in London and have been an antique dealer, a car dealer, an addict and a parent. Having found recovery, I became an addiction therapist. Now retired, I live in rural Devon and focus on writing.

Please find attachments as per your guidelines.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 03:44:58 AM by DaggilarrF »

Offline London

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #33 on: September 06, 2021, 04:30:50 PM »
This is where I am with this now.

Dear ……

I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a Contemporary Crime Thriller, complete at 78,800 words. Having had a close look at your web page, I feel this may be a good fit for you. (I realise I may need to do more here) A brief customization is nice, but not vital. Brief is good.

[Former SAS solder] Danny [Last name] stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. Eddie pulls a gun, but is no match for SAS trained Danny. The gun goes off and Eddie dies. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running, not only from Ralph Teller,Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him, but from the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.

I'd streamline this opening a bit, but the line about reawakened trauma adds a lot to his motivations and backstory.

Four years later, in a quiet Welsh seaside town, Danny is content to just fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But when he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he discovers he wants more. However, a picture she posts on Facebook inadvertently reveals his whereabouts and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Halfway to Ireland he realises Megan means too much to him to leave her behind, let alone leave her in danger. He turns his boat, Moonbeam[comma] around and returns, only to find Teller’s henchmen already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen at the bottom of the Irish Sea, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph and brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop, and maybe even make a profit.

The economical writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, [and] Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plante and Jo Nesbo. (and more here)

You don't need more than a few comparisons. The point is to tell the agent where you think this fits into the market. Elmore Leonard might be too big of a name for a comparison, though (I don't know this genre well, but his name jumps out).

I jumped from the first page and query to this one and it's so much improved.

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #34 on: September 06, 2021, 04:46:12 PM »
This is where I am with this now.

Dear ……

I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a Contemporary Crime Thriller, complete at 78,800 words. Having had a close look at your web page, I feel this may be a good fit for you. (I realise I may need to do more here) A brief customization is nice, but not vital. Brief is good.

[Former SAS solder] Danny [Last name] stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. Eddie pulls a gun, but is no match for SAS trained Danny. The gun goes off and Eddie dies. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running, not only from Ralph Teller,Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him, but from the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.

I'd streamline this opening a bit, but the line about reawakened trauma adds a lot to his motivations and backstory.

Four years later, in a quiet Welsh seaside town, Danny is content to just fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But when he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he discovers he wants more. However, a picture she posts on Facebook inadvertently reveals his whereabouts and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Halfway to Ireland he realises Megan means too much to him to leave her behind, let alone leave her in danger. He turns his boat, Moonbeam[comma] around and returns, only to find Teller’s henchmen already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen at the bottom of the Irish Sea, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph and brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop, and maybe even make a profit.

The economical writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, [and] Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plante and Jo Nesbo. (and more here)

You don't need more than a few comparisons. The point is to tell the agent where you think this fits into the market. Elmore Leonard might be too big of a name for a comparison, though (I don't know this genre well, but his name jumps out).

I jumped from the first page and query to this one and it's so much improved.

Hi, I have moved on a bit since that version. This is the most recent.

Dear _,

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k.

Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. With his PTSD now reawakened, he runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother.

Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. Then he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, and decides he wants more out of life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them, and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters and stay out of jail. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, Buried, and Ian Rankin’s, A song for the Dark Times. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice. 

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Documents attached, as requested.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
« Last Edit: September 07, 2021, 09:41:13 AM by DaggilarrF »

Offline London

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #35 on: September 06, 2021, 06:01:15 PM »

Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. Danny, his PTSD now reawakened, runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother.

[I'd update the opening and make Danny the actor.  (also, give him a last name).]


I like this—it feels streamlined in a good way. I would, however, like to see a mention of how his PTSD plays out in the story, even if it's just a hint. Did his time in peace in Wales and with Meagan allow him to recover or does it play out in his romantic relationship? Is he making bad decisions because he's no longer effectively managing his condition?

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. New version added 01/09
« Reply #36 on: September 07, 2021, 12:41:01 AM »

Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. Danny, his PTSD now reawakened, runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother.

[I'd update the opening and make Danny the actor.  (also, give him a last name).]


I like this—it feels streamlined in a good way. I would, however, like to see a mention of how his PTSD plays out in the story, even if it's just a hint. Did his time in peace in Wales and with Meagan allow him to recover or does it play out in his romantic relationship? Is he making bad decisions because he's no longer effectively managing his condition?


Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. Danny, his PTSD now reawakened, runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother.

[I'd update the opening and make Danny the actor.  (also, give him a last name).]



Thanks for taking the time to look at this again. Refining this query has been a long and at times frustrating journey. The feedback has been mixed. A pattern did start to emerge, however. At first it would be that they were too synopsis like, too much detail. As I reduced and refined, the feedback pendulum would swing the other way and it would become, who what, where, how? In providing answers to those questions they query became too detailed and again and the pendulum would swing back. I have come to the conclusion that this cycle would be endless, that I needed to choose a final version. I also decided that a query letter should, to a certain extent, leave the reader curious, leave them with some questions. My hope is that the questions this version raises in the reader are enough to prompt them to read the manuscript, read the synopsis. So this is it, this is the final version, the one I shall be using. A huge thanks to all who have chipped in along the way.

There is one task left for me in this query, though. That is to select the final comparisons. On this matter I am still undecided.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2021, 09:40:02 AM by DaggilarrF »

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. NEW REVISION IN THREAD 06/09
« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2021, 09:45:42 AM »

My most recent edit. 14/9

Dear..
In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you.
 
Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph.

Two of Teller’s henchmen arrive and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.
 
Danny and Megan dispose of the bodies and are now complicit in murder. As they watch them slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they realise they may well join them if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy, bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I now live in Devon and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar[/siz
e]
« Last Edit: September 15, 2021, 08:06:10 AM by DaggilarrF »

Offline DaggilarrF

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. A new revision 14/9 please scroll to the end.
« Reply #38 on: September 15, 2021, 08:06:31 AM »
Added 15/11

Dear..
In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you.

Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.
 
Watching the trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and that if Ralph is not ‘dealt’ with soon, they could face a similar fate.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar

Offline godisjealous

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. A new revision 15/11 please scroll to the end.
« Reply #39 on: September 15, 2021, 10:17:36 AM »
First, the stomach uses a hackneyed expression. Then:

"Initially he chooses the first option, but he can’t stomach abandoning the girl, Megan."

And it will go on and sound like a synopsis. Don't summarize but pick and choose selected points that will make the book attractive. Think to go to a florist and buy a rose and the florist trims the stem so it conforms to being a manageable beauty so you can put it in a vase. No matter how beautiful, it's uncommon to buy a two-foot rose. The flower comes in that state in nature normally.. Oblige yourself to be pretty before accurate.

Offline godisjealous

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Re: Moonbeam. Query for review. A new revision 15/11 please scroll to the end.
« Reply #40 on: September 15, 2021, 05:23:43 PM »
Disregard my previous critique. I was looking at page one and hadn't seen page three!

The new one is much better. But three paragraphs is a figure a podcast from agents on a podcast I listen to say should be the max, and this is five.