Dear Editor,
My new novel (get it!) is in the LGBTQ-EIEIO* category. (I'M NOT GAY!) I've chosen this category since it seems underrepresented, and anyway they say the gays have lots of money. (For us to split!) Just so you know, I only use the f-word 78 times in the text. (Not "f*uck". "F*ggot". I can get away with this because many of my best friends are f*gs.)
There is no sex like in the M/M subgenre. Not even soft sex, not even a kiss. I would never try to be disgusting.
The fiction novel is about a young man, about 22. With great intelligence, I do not describe him until page 303. Like this:
"Tom Pitt was tall, dark and extremely handsome. How handsome? His face was a cross between an angel with devilish good looks. Long roan hair to the nips or from the back just below the shoulderblades, eyes violet with a puppy dog cute look, adorable snubby nose, small cute ears. Body type muscled just right, not blown up like the Michelin Man or merely toned like a swimmer's, but just right: a gymnast's build. (Although he did pay attention at the gym to his pecs alot, his overwork on them made them outsize, almost capable of filling a B-bra.) He had a thin waist, giving his body the classic "V" shape. His endowment I will not mention except to say that I will not mention it."
Um, I am not gay.
The story is about how he re-embraces his conservative religion and lets his sexual orientation fade away over time. He becomes an insufferable passive-aggressive bastard for the rest of his long life and ends up dying in a hospital mental ward. I think this is a great story arch and climax since it will be so unexpected and kind of tragic! The daynumont is that, all his relatives are relieved to see him go loudly into that dark night. (He has no friends.)
I'm sure you will love this surprising new novel and I enclose $10 for your benefit. Can you get back to me by the end of this week with your summary of the auction offers? Thanks!
Yours turly,
Egbert Thropshire III
*EIEIO, get it?!
